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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 580572" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>SofC, I appreciate your kind words. </p><p></p><p>I think codependency is often associated with the enabler of an alcoholic or substance abuser, however, over the years I think the definitions have broadened to include those of us who grew up as adult children of alcoholics or mentally ill parents or simply where, as young people OUR needs were not met in healthy ways. I believe that many women, especially our age, learned quite young that we were to be the caretakers of others needs, not taught that our needs are essential and valuable .........and once children arrive, those beliefs kick in full force. For me, I had to learn to distinguish between motherly loving kindness and enabling. It took support for me to understand the difference and to actually make significant changes within myself, mostly giving up control over others (mostly my difficult child) and the idea that I know better, can do it better and have the right and even the obligation to step in and fix it. I had to face that fear within me,....... that if I stop holding it all up, what happens to everyone? </p><p></p><p>I believe, if you have any inkling that you would benefit from this, to follow it through and find support for yourself. Especially now that your daughter and grand kids are in this predicament, this is where all the opportunities to step in will arise, and at least for me, when that moment presented itself with my own daughter, I wanted to learn skills that would impact the situation and create a different outcome. And, Barbara, at my age now, to find a sense of liberation and peace, in spite of the choices my family members, most notably my only child, is making, is a remarkable gift which I am cherishing beyond anything I could have imagined had I not embarked upon this journey. I wholeheartedly support a decision to learn a different way to respond, to learn to let go, to learn to accept, surrender and trust, I think it's a difficult path, but one with enormous benefits for not only you, but ultimately, your daughter, son-in-law and grand kids. I think when we can let go of that control, let go of that fear, everyone wins. </p><p></p><p>The books which the program I was in recommended are <u>Codependent no more</u>, by Melody Beattie and any other book written by Beattie on Codependence. Pia Melody also has a few books out, one called <u>Facing Codependency, what it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. </u>Both of those women have written extensively on the subject. I found the books to be very helpful. However, the weekly, continued and professional support is what guided me out of the chaos, I really wanted to move quickly, I felt as if I had been in the pain, chaos and drama of others choices for much of my life and I wanted out of it. One phrase that my therapist used which rocked my world and really boosted my own healing was this: "I absorbed the deficiencies of others." I had done that all my life, just as a matter of course, and when she said that, I really understood how much that had negatively impacted my life. From that point forward, the liberation from that pattern happened fairly rapidly. </p><p></p><p>I truly and with all my heart, wish you success in your discovering just what your role in all of this is.............and to walk through it and find peace, freedom and a new sense of self love. Many hugs coming your way.........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 580572, member: 13542"] SofC, I appreciate your kind words. I think codependency is often associated with the enabler of an alcoholic or substance abuser, however, over the years I think the definitions have broadened to include those of us who grew up as adult children of alcoholics or mentally ill parents or simply where, as young people OUR needs were not met in healthy ways. I believe that many women, especially our age, learned quite young that we were to be the caretakers of others needs, not taught that our needs are essential and valuable .........and once children arrive, those beliefs kick in full force. For me, I had to learn to distinguish between motherly loving kindness and enabling. It took support for me to understand the difference and to actually make significant changes within myself, mostly giving up control over others (mostly my difficult child) and the idea that I know better, can do it better and have the right and even the obligation to step in and fix it. I had to face that fear within me,....... that if I stop holding it all up, what happens to everyone? I believe, if you have any inkling that you would benefit from this, to follow it through and find support for yourself. Especially now that your daughter and grand kids are in this predicament, this is where all the opportunities to step in will arise, and at least for me, when that moment presented itself with my own daughter, I wanted to learn skills that would impact the situation and create a different outcome. And, Barbara, at my age now, to find a sense of liberation and peace, in spite of the choices my family members, most notably my only child, is making, is a remarkable gift which I am cherishing beyond anything I could have imagined had I not embarked upon this journey. I wholeheartedly support a decision to learn a different way to respond, to learn to let go, to learn to accept, surrender and trust, I think it's a difficult path, but one with enormous benefits for not only you, but ultimately, your daughter, son-in-law and grand kids. I think when we can let go of that control, let go of that fear, everyone wins. The books which the program I was in recommended are [U]Codependent no more[/U], by Melody Beattie and any other book written by Beattie on Codependence. Pia Melody also has a few books out, one called [U]Facing Codependency, what it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. [/U]Both of those women have written extensively on the subject. I found the books to be very helpful. However, the weekly, continued and professional support is what guided me out of the chaos, I really wanted to move quickly, I felt as if I had been in the pain, chaos and drama of others choices for much of my life and I wanted out of it. One phrase that my therapist used which rocked my world and really boosted my own healing was this: "I absorbed the deficiencies of others." I had done that all my life, just as a matter of course, and when she said that, I really understood how much that had negatively impacted my life. From that point forward, the liberation from that pattern happened fairly rapidly. I truly and with all my heart, wish you success in your discovering just what your role in all of this is.............and to walk through it and find peace, freedom and a new sense of self love. Many hugs coming your way......... [/QUOTE]
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