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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 580969" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Barbara. I think you likely did a wonderful job of parenting, you have much insight and love in your heart, I'm certain your children got the very best of who you are. I think leaving behind our own parental guilt and 'what if's' is part of our own growing up and letting go...........you and I and most of us did the best job we could, most parents do, it's just time to let it all go. </p><p></p><p> Now that your daughter is 38 and in her own life, your parenting of her is quite limited, even in crisis mode, and that is the distinction that became necessary for me to understand. For me, the mothering road does have a point at which the control of their lives shifts over to them and we regain our focus on ourselves. I had to recognize that for me, that focus on myself needed some work. </p><p></p><p>I can't speak for others, I can only look at myself and try to find my own answers. I did what I did as a mother and I've had to shift gears many times because my daughter is a challenge to herself and to me. However, what I began to understand along this journey, was that I had to also shift my own sense of who I am and what it means to me to be a mother and really, a woman standing alone without children, just me .................so I began looking at that, how can I change my response to my daughter that puts the focus on me and what I want and need, as opposed to her needs. I think for me anyway, and for many of us, our focus on our children is so absolute for so long, and rightly so, they need that care from us. But at some point that has got to change, and how do we negotiate that change when for so long our priorities have been about mothering? </p><p></p><p>If you add in our age group, you have a formula for putting our needs at the bottom of the list. For me that meant untangling not only my definition of mothering, but my definition of ME. The enabling part is an interesting issue, since it involves separating that parent love from rescuing our adult children from their own problems, at least for me, that was a very big challenge. Where is that cut off point anyway? From the standpoint of my self love and self care, that all became easier to see and understand. Once my own boundaries were secured, my own sense of self cleared up to a degree, that became a tad easier to work through. I also got to understand my daughters push and pull with me, wanting me to take care of her but angry that I did. Enabling robs them of their own power in very subtle and very obvious ways..............it took time and support for me to be able to distinguish all those differences, as well as look truthfully at my own 'stuff' and be willing to face my own control issues. Control is fear based and robs everyone of the life force, the vitality, the joy of just living. We have no real control, simply how we respond to what flies in to our space.</p><p></p><p>The interesting end result of all the challenges of this road is that I have this renewed sense of adventure and awe. I am looking at my own life from a standpoint of possibilities, without the drama and chaos of my difficult child's life gripping me in a never ending movie, I have detached from that enough to feel liberated. My own life feels as if it is blossoming as I discover who I am and what I want. We're not dead yet, our kids are in their own lives, for better or for worse, and we now can choose whether our lives are about containing our adult children's drama and chaos, or actually living our own lives in peaceful, joyful, fulfilling and passionate ways. </p><p></p><p>I attended a class where the facilitator said that our serenity needn't be impacted by others choices. Honestly, that was a new thought, I thought a good person, a good mother, is ALWAYS impacted by others choices and of course, I was. At that class I watched another mother indignantly argue that point with the facilitator, actually arguing what I was myself thinking, she was appalled that anyone would even suggest that as mothers, we can accomplish that. However, over time, I came to understand that entirely differently. My serenity is an inside job, I can have that no matter what is going on around me, that is my choice. Like that line that flies around, "misery is optional." What good does all my suffering over my daughter's life do anyway? Did it change anything? Did it alter her thinking or make any difference? All it did was take away many, many moments out of my own life. Once I recognized that as the truth, I realized how much power I had in my response to ANY situation. Once perception changes, everything changes, even if everything is exactly the same. </p><p></p><p>From my vantage point, you are at a very cool point of change, one that involves taking a candid look at who you are and where you find yourself.....my daughter's crisis pushed me into that point of change too. I got help to figure out a new way to address old issues and I gained a whole new way of looking at my own life, and the idea that I am starting an entirely new adventure now, free of the burden of others expectations, needs, deficiencies and my own sense of obligation. That life is over. I am still compassionate and sensitive and giving, but I give that to myself now first and then turn to the other, not the other way around. I looked at all of it as an opportunity to grow, learn and change.</p><p></p><p>My girlfriend told me the other night that my daughter really gave me a gift, the opportunity to change my way of thinking. That's true, she did. Seems you are on that precipice, do you continue doing what you've always done, or do you take a leap of faith and do it differently. I appreciate the opportunity to express all of this, it helps me to clarify what I've done and what I'm doing. I wish you clarity and a renewed sense of joy. (((HUGS)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 580969, member: 13542"] Good morning Barbara. I think you likely did a wonderful job of parenting, you have much insight and love in your heart, I'm certain your children got the very best of who you are. I think leaving behind our own parental guilt and 'what if's' is part of our own growing up and letting go...........you and I and most of us did the best job we could, most parents do, it's just time to let it all go. Now that your daughter is 38 and in her own life, your parenting of her is quite limited, even in crisis mode, and that is the distinction that became necessary for me to understand. For me, the mothering road does have a point at which the control of their lives shifts over to them and we regain our focus on ourselves. I had to recognize that for me, that focus on myself needed some work. I can't speak for others, I can only look at myself and try to find my own answers. I did what I did as a mother and I've had to shift gears many times because my daughter is a challenge to herself and to me. However, what I began to understand along this journey, was that I had to also shift my own sense of who I am and what it means to me to be a mother and really, a woman standing alone without children, just me .................so I began looking at that, how can I change my response to my daughter that puts the focus on me and what I want and need, as opposed to her needs. I think for me anyway, and for many of us, our focus on our children is so absolute for so long, and rightly so, they need that care from us. But at some point that has got to change, and how do we negotiate that change when for so long our priorities have been about mothering? If you add in our age group, you have a formula for putting our needs at the bottom of the list. For me that meant untangling not only my definition of mothering, but my definition of ME. The enabling part is an interesting issue, since it involves separating that parent love from rescuing our adult children from their own problems, at least for me, that was a very big challenge. Where is that cut off point anyway? From the standpoint of my self love and self care, that all became easier to see and understand. Once my own boundaries were secured, my own sense of self cleared up to a degree, that became a tad easier to work through. I also got to understand my daughters push and pull with me, wanting me to take care of her but angry that I did. Enabling robs them of their own power in very subtle and very obvious ways..............it took time and support for me to be able to distinguish all those differences, as well as look truthfully at my own 'stuff' and be willing to face my own control issues. Control is fear based and robs everyone of the life force, the vitality, the joy of just living. We have no real control, simply how we respond to what flies in to our space. The interesting end result of all the challenges of this road is that I have this renewed sense of adventure and awe. I am looking at my own life from a standpoint of possibilities, without the drama and chaos of my difficult child's life gripping me in a never ending movie, I have detached from that enough to feel liberated. My own life feels as if it is blossoming as I discover who I am and what I want. We're not dead yet, our kids are in their own lives, for better or for worse, and we now can choose whether our lives are about containing our adult children's drama and chaos, or actually living our own lives in peaceful, joyful, fulfilling and passionate ways. I attended a class where the facilitator said that our serenity needn't be impacted by others choices. Honestly, that was a new thought, I thought a good person, a good mother, is ALWAYS impacted by others choices and of course, I was. At that class I watched another mother indignantly argue that point with the facilitator, actually arguing what I was myself thinking, she was appalled that anyone would even suggest that as mothers, we can accomplish that. However, over time, I came to understand that entirely differently. My serenity is an inside job, I can have that no matter what is going on around me, that is my choice. Like that line that flies around, "misery is optional." What good does all my suffering over my daughter's life do anyway? Did it change anything? Did it alter her thinking or make any difference? All it did was take away many, many moments out of my own life. Once I recognized that as the truth, I realized how much power I had in my response to ANY situation. Once perception changes, everything changes, even if everything is exactly the same. From my vantage point, you are at a very cool point of change, one that involves taking a candid look at who you are and where you find yourself.....my daughter's crisis pushed me into that point of change too. I got help to figure out a new way to address old issues and I gained a whole new way of looking at my own life, and the idea that I am starting an entirely new adventure now, free of the burden of others expectations, needs, deficiencies and my own sense of obligation. That life is over. I am still compassionate and sensitive and giving, but I give that to myself now first and then turn to the other, not the other way around. I looked at all of it as an opportunity to grow, learn and change. My girlfriend told me the other night that my daughter really gave me a gift, the opportunity to change my way of thinking. That's true, she did. Seems you are on that precipice, do you continue doing what you've always done, or do you take a leap of faith and do it differently. I appreciate the opportunity to express all of this, it helps me to clarify what I've done and what I'm doing. I wish you clarity and a renewed sense of joy. (((HUGS))) [/QUOTE]
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