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Institutionalised 13 yo son still threatening suicide
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 662685" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am very sorry for your loss, and on top of it this crisis with your son.</p><p></p><p>I do not have a lot of time now but I will check back with you tomorrow morning.Actually this is normal. Children lack the emotional maturity to understand and to tolerate horrible and sudden loss. The way they often do so so is to think they caused it. This is the only way that they can accept that out of the blue a disaster such as this can happen to them. An out of control world where nothing makes sense, is too much for a child to tolerate. Blaming themselves makes sense of it, gives them the illusion they have some control.</p><p>I do not see it as manipulation. I see it as a way to express his horrible pain, which he cannot endure and cannot process in a way to make sense of it.</p><p></p><p>Once when I was a teen, I banged my head aginst the wall over and over again. My mother who herself was difficult would not permit me to do something I wanted to do, for no good reason. She would not listen to reason, and reacted punitively.</p><p></p><p>You would think this was a manipulation. It was not. I remember to this day what I felt: extraordinary frustration, the sense that language did not work to communicate it, the sense that nobody on this planet understood my pain, the sense of utter hopelessness that anybody, ever would understand. This was only about a small thing. Imagine what it feels like to be your son.</p><p>I think this is a bad idea. First, to escalate your threats: phone,visits, freedom, future...is to threaten to take away his life itself. It would only intensify the feelings he has, and increase his desperation and the danger.</p><p></p><p>Let me underscore. This is not a manipulation. It is an expression of pain. Is there nobody on that staff that sees it as such? This is a child who has had more than his share of troubles and challenges who feels he lost everything.</p><p></p><p>He is crying for help. However deep and horrible his pain please try hard not to crush him more. I see tough love as the wrong thing here. Do not underestimate how important you are to him now. He needs you more than he ever has before. He will not tell you. Trust me. His need for you is enormous. You, too, need him. Do not take this support away. You need each other now.</p><p></p><p>He is not in control of himself. He is utterly out of his element, out of his depth.You are too. He does not need you to oppose him. He needs to feel you with him. You need him too.</p><p></p><p>He is a suffering child. You are his suffering Mom.</p><p>As I said, countering a threat with a threat will explode the situation, in my view. He might feel without hope. He might feel he is losing you, his mother, as well.</p><p></p><p>You mention the key issue here: You are over your head. You cannot bear what you already have on your plate. How could you stand more? Nobody could.</p><p></p><p>You are being asked by the hospital to take responsibility to solve a treatment issue that is their''s to handle. They are the professionals. You are not responsible to come up with a solution to treat your own child, especially in your condition. They are. Where he is now, is most likely the safest place for him. Do what ever you can to fight them if they try to discharge him while you believe he is still so vulnerable. If they do not know how to treat him tell them to read a book on grief in children. You cannot be made responsible to intervene in the treatment of your hospitalized child.</p><p></p><p>What I would do is to tell the truth to your son: The only truth that you know, I think, is that you love him. That you do not understand either why his father was taken so soon when you all needed and love him so. Tell your boy that you will all find a way together to get through this. Hug him. Kiss him. Cry with him. If you can do this, go every day with the same thing.</p><p></p><p>Hope for nothing. Expect nothing. Tell him you love them. Kiss and hug him if he lets you. Son, I do not know why this happened. What I know is that together we will get through this. I love you. Over and over again. Cry together. Hold each other.</p><p></p><p>If he does not cry or let you hold him, do not worry. He will in time.</p><p></p><p>That is what I would do, until he can do more. Grieve with your boy. He loves you. It will help you, too, I think.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. I will check back tomorrow. I wrote more than I thought I would. Sorry.</p><p></p><p>You take care of yourself. I wish I could say something to give you some comfort. All I can say, is that we will be with you here, for anything and as long as it takes.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 662685, member: 18958"] I am very sorry for your loss, and on top of it this crisis with your son. I do not have a lot of time now but I will check back with you tomorrow morning.Actually this is normal. Children lack the emotional maturity to understand and to tolerate horrible and sudden loss. The way they often do so so is to think they caused it. This is the only way that they can accept that out of the blue a disaster such as this can happen to them. An out of control world where nothing makes sense, is too much for a child to tolerate. Blaming themselves makes sense of it, gives them the illusion they have some control. I do not see it as manipulation. I see it as a way to express his horrible pain, which he cannot endure and cannot process in a way to make sense of it. Once when I was a teen, I banged my head aginst the wall over and over again. My mother who herself was difficult would not permit me to do something I wanted to do, for no good reason. She would not listen to reason, and reacted punitively. You would think this was a manipulation. It was not. I remember to this day what I felt: extraordinary frustration, the sense that language did not work to communicate it, the sense that nobody on this planet understood my pain, the sense of utter hopelessness that anybody, ever would understand. This was only about a small thing. Imagine what it feels like to be your son. I think this is a bad idea. First, to escalate your threats: phone,visits, freedom, future...is to threaten to take away his life itself. It would only intensify the feelings he has, and increase his desperation and the danger. Let me underscore. This is not a manipulation. It is an expression of pain. Is there nobody on that staff that sees it as such? This is a child who has had more than his share of troubles and challenges who feels he lost everything. He is crying for help. However deep and horrible his pain please try hard not to crush him more. I see tough love as the wrong thing here. Do not underestimate how important you are to him now. He needs you more than he ever has before. He will not tell you. Trust me. His need for you is enormous. You, too, need him. Do not take this support away. You need each other now. He is not in control of himself. He is utterly out of his element, out of his depth.You are too. He does not need you to oppose him. He needs to feel you with him. You need him too. He is a suffering child. You are his suffering Mom. As I said, countering a threat with a threat will explode the situation, in my view. He might feel without hope. He might feel he is losing you, his mother, as well. You mention the key issue here: You are over your head. You cannot bear what you already have on your plate. How could you stand more? Nobody could. You are being asked by the hospital to take responsibility to solve a treatment issue that is their''s to handle. They are the professionals. You are not responsible to come up with a solution to treat your own child, especially in your condition. They are. Where he is now, is most likely the safest place for him. Do what ever you can to fight them if they try to discharge him while you believe he is still so vulnerable. If they do not know how to treat him tell them to read a book on grief in children. You cannot be made responsible to intervene in the treatment of your hospitalized child. What I would do is to tell the truth to your son: The only truth that you know, I think, is that you love him. That you do not understand either why his father was taken so soon when you all needed and love him so. Tell your boy that you will all find a way together to get through this. Hug him. Kiss him. Cry with him. If you can do this, go every day with the same thing. Hope for nothing. Expect nothing. Tell him you love them. Kiss and hug him if he lets you. Son, I do not know why this happened. What I know is that together we will get through this. I love you. Over and over again. Cry together. Hold each other. If he does not cry or let you hold him, do not worry. He will in time. That is what I would do, until he can do more. Grieve with your boy. He loves you. It will help you, too, I think. Keep posting. I will check back tomorrow. I wrote more than I thought I would. Sorry. You take care of yourself. I wish I could say something to give you some comfort. All I can say, is that we will be with you here, for anything and as long as it takes. COPA [/QUOTE]
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