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Parent Emeritus
Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 620502" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>What's done is done in so far as where he <em>has</em> been and who he <em>has</em> lived with. If your state says that you must provide him with food and shelter, then you must. He's not above claiming abuse/neglect by you so I would be very careful to not do anything like lock up food or feed him anything other than what you and the rest of the family are eating. on the other hand he wouldn't have anything other than <em>that</em> food and a bed. No phone, no MP3, no computer, no TV, no money. I'd invest in a good strong in-wall or in-floor safe to store my valuables every time I walked into the house - even my wallet, and I'd be absolutely <em>certain </em>that there is <em>nothing</em> available to him that he could use as a weapon against you or your family. Many of us locked up all of our knives and tools when we had kids like this in our homes. It's crazy, but it's the way that it is.</p><p></p><p>By the same standard, you are <em>not</em> obligated to allow him to break the law. It's important that if he breaks the law you are ready to call the police on him. Kicking walls and other such violence is against the law. We had our son arrested for it. I think that in this day and age it is also important that when you call the law you understand that if there are weapons available to your son that you are taking a chance that the police will harm or kill him. If you have locked every possible weapon (screwdrivers, saws, <em>everything</em>) away, you can tell dispatch that there are "no weapons of any kind in the home" when you call, and your son is likely to be safe. It's terrible that we have to say something like that, but we do.</p><p></p><p>We had to call the police on our then 16 y/o son when he became violent and struck my husband. This was after more than a dozen years of acting out. He was arrested for and charged with assault - my husband's bloody lip was a good bit of evidence in our favor - and we were within our rights to say we were frightened for our safety and we would not allow him to come home. That was 11 years ago, and the start of a long road for him of sleeping on couches and taking advantage of other people's goodwill. He's doing better now, barely employed but not in trouble. We moved from the West coast to the East coast and he is a grown man with his own life to live. We talk from time to time and we have supplied him with a cell phone. He gets nothing more from us. His college fund was never started because we were busy spending money on therapists and treatments for his behavioral issues.</p><p></p><p>If he wants to run away, then he should run away and you should report him as a runaway. That doesn't mean that you have to go looking for him. He needs to deal with the natural consequences of his actions. He will likely be caught shoplifting or smoking pot. We contacted an attorney to better understand not only our obligations but our rights. See if you have him declared an "out of control minor". I think you should do the same if you can, and you need to be sure that you and your wife are on the same page. <em>No more money to him.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 620502, member: 99"] What's done is done in so far as where he [I]has[/I] been and who he [I]has[/I] lived with. If your state says that you must provide him with food and shelter, then you must. He's not above claiming abuse/neglect by you so I would be very careful to not do anything like lock up food or feed him anything other than what you and the rest of the family are eating. on the other hand he wouldn't have anything other than [I]that[/I] food and a bed. No phone, no MP3, no computer, no TV, no money. I'd invest in a good strong in-wall or in-floor safe to store my valuables every time I walked into the house - even my wallet, and I'd be absolutely [I]certain [/I]that there is [I]nothing[/I] available to him that he could use as a weapon against you or your family. Many of us locked up all of our knives and tools when we had kids like this in our homes. It's crazy, but it's the way that it is. By the same standard, you are [I]not[/I] obligated to allow him to break the law. It's important that if he breaks the law you are ready to call the police on him. Kicking walls and other such violence is against the law. We had our son arrested for it. I think that in this day and age it is also important that when you call the law you understand that if there are weapons available to your son that you are taking a chance that the police will harm or kill him. If you have locked every possible weapon (screwdrivers, saws, [I]everything[/I]) away, you can tell dispatch that there are "no weapons of any kind in the home" when you call, and your son is likely to be safe. It's terrible that we have to say something like that, but we do. We had to call the police on our then 16 y/o son when he became violent and struck my husband. This was after more than a dozen years of acting out. He was arrested for and charged with assault - my husband's bloody lip was a good bit of evidence in our favor - and we were within our rights to say we were frightened for our safety and we would not allow him to come home. That was 11 years ago, and the start of a long road for him of sleeping on couches and taking advantage of other people's goodwill. He's doing better now, barely employed but not in trouble. We moved from the West coast to the East coast and he is a grown man with his own life to live. We talk from time to time and we have supplied him with a cell phone. He gets nothing more from us. His college fund was never started because we were busy spending money on therapists and treatments for his behavioral issues. If he wants to run away, then he should run away and you should report him as a runaway. That doesn't mean that you have to go looking for him. He needs to deal with the natural consequences of his actions. He will likely be caught shoplifting or smoking pot. We contacted an attorney to better understand not only our obligations but our rights. See if you have him declared an "out of control minor". I think you should do the same if you can, and you need to be sure that you and your wife are on the same page. [I]No more money to him.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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