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Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 620526" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I am so glad to hear that you and your wife have begun the process of detachment, good for the both of you. It is a tough road, but you have each other and you have us. I completely agree with MWM, she nailed it. The earlier you get those boundaries up, the earlier you make it clear that he cannot act or behave in the old fashion, the sooner you will have your own lives back and just as important, the sooner he will (possibly) wake up and look around and realize it is entirely up to him...........or not. Sounds as if you have a plan. Make sure you limit any liability you still have because he is underage. Make sure you know all the laws in Florida. As someone else mentioned, if you have a lawyer friend or perhaps an hour consultation to really understand all the legal ramifications. </p><p></p><p>I think your words for your son are perfect. You may want to read the posts of Child of Mine, Echolette, and a few others who recently have been detaching from their younger sons and how they are handling it. Reading others posts will help you in many ways.........Child of Mine put up a note on her front door for her difficult child who just got out of jail and came over to her home at 3 AM. What she put on her door is, like your words, perfect. </p><p></p><p>By the way, we call our troubled kids difficult child, <em>"gifts from God."</em> </p><p></p><p>You know what? You and your wife have done enough. It's time now to start to let go. No one said we have to ruin our lives because our kids go off the rails and refuse any help. Don't let guilt get in your way either. You know all that you've done and we parents suffer greatly with guilt, don't do it, it's a waste of time and will cause you endless suffering. You are on the right track and inside of both of you, in that deepest part where we tell ourselves the truth, you both know you are doing the right thing. We parents second guess ourselves right in to no action, don't do that. Stay the course. The only way we get out of this is by detaching. </p><p></p><p>Follow the guidelines set forth in the detachment article, get support to stay the course and if you are into praying, pray. If you are inclined and it feels right, place your son in your perception of a higher powers hands and consider the serenity prayer which covers a lot of ground for us parents. Here it is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." That prayer has gotten a lot of us through the night. If that doesn't feel right, leave it. Just trying to offer you whatever I can.</p><p></p><p>Create a united front so he cannot maneuver himself between you and place a wedge there. Our kids know how to do that. Some of us write a contract and insist our kids sign it. They are usually very good at spotting "loop holes" and will find things you didn't say and do it reasoning that you never said he couldn't "sleep in the garage." Remember, they don't think like us, they don't play by our rules so you have to stay alert and don't allow his old behavior to impact you. You must respond differently. <em>NO is a complete sentence. </em></p><p></p><p>Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and maybe Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. As MWM suggested, google Radical Acceptance. Get all the tools in your tool belt, you will likely need them. Keep posting, one of us is usually around at various times of the day. I am sending you and your wife warm wishes for your strength and resolve to continue and caring thoughts for you to find peace..............hang tough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 620526, member: 13542"] I am so glad to hear that you and your wife have begun the process of detachment, good for the both of you. It is a tough road, but you have each other and you have us. I completely agree with MWM, she nailed it. The earlier you get those boundaries up, the earlier you make it clear that he cannot act or behave in the old fashion, the sooner you will have your own lives back and just as important, the sooner he will (possibly) wake up and look around and realize it is entirely up to him...........or not. Sounds as if you have a plan. Make sure you limit any liability you still have because he is underage. Make sure you know all the laws in Florida. As someone else mentioned, if you have a lawyer friend or perhaps an hour consultation to really understand all the legal ramifications. I think your words for your son are perfect. You may want to read the posts of Child of Mine, Echolette, and a few others who recently have been detaching from their younger sons and how they are handling it. Reading others posts will help you in many ways.........Child of Mine put up a note on her front door for her difficult child who just got out of jail and came over to her home at 3 AM. What she put on her door is, like your words, perfect. By the way, we call our troubled kids difficult child, [I]"gifts from God."[/I] You know what? You and your wife have done enough. It's time now to start to let go. No one said we have to ruin our lives because our kids go off the rails and refuse any help. Don't let guilt get in your way either. You know all that you've done and we parents suffer greatly with guilt, don't do it, it's a waste of time and will cause you endless suffering. You are on the right track and inside of both of you, in that deepest part where we tell ourselves the truth, you both know you are doing the right thing. We parents second guess ourselves right in to no action, don't do that. Stay the course. The only way we get out of this is by detaching. Follow the guidelines set forth in the detachment article, get support to stay the course and if you are into praying, pray. If you are inclined and it feels right, place your son in your perception of a higher powers hands and consider the serenity prayer which covers a lot of ground for us parents. Here it is "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." That prayer has gotten a lot of us through the night. If that doesn't feel right, leave it. Just trying to offer you whatever I can. Create a united front so he cannot maneuver himself between you and place a wedge there. Our kids know how to do that. Some of us write a contract and insist our kids sign it. They are usually very good at spotting "loop holes" and will find things you didn't say and do it reasoning that you never said he couldn't "sleep in the garage." Remember, they don't think like us, they don't play by our rules so you have to stay alert and don't allow his old behavior to impact you. You must respond differently. [I]NO is a complete sentence. [/I] Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud and maybe Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. As MWM suggested, google Radical Acceptance. Get all the tools in your tool belt, you will likely need them. Keep posting, one of us is usually around at various times of the day. I am sending you and your wife warm wishes for your strength and resolve to continue and caring thoughts for you to find peace..............hang tough. [/QUOTE]
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