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Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 620530" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Stepparent,</p><p></p><p>You've gotten a lot of input...I am sure it is overwhelming. ChildofMine likes to say "do nothing". You don't need to hurry right now. You do need to think things out. I like your plan a lot. I too thought of getting my son a room in a rooming house, or a cheap hotel room when he was 17 (after the military boarding school, wilderness treatment center, therapeutic boarding school, rehab, and half way house all failed...interspersed with periods at home of course). He, like your son, is primarily a personality or mental illness issue rather than a drug issue...I think...but then what do we know? LIke your son, his issues started pretty young.</p><p></p><p>I didn't go the "get him a room" route because I was afraid he would let all his friends in and trash it and I would be responsible. I do think you need to talk to a counselour or lawyer before you do anything...I love cops (and they have helped me a lot with difficult child, and been very kind to me too) but they don't always know the law on stuff like this, especially age subtleties. </p><p></p><p>Your difficult child also sounds potentially dangerous, so I would not tip your hand until you are ready to make a move, including being ready to change locks, since you know he has a key (we ultimately got a code lock, so we could change it whenever we want using the master code...that has saved us locksmith money over the years).</p><p></p><p>I personally agree with not getting him a new cell phone. You could consider getting him a burner (the cheap ones at Walmart). Promises made to a liar and a thief who doesn't honor commitments don't need to be kept. It is fine to say "in view of how our relationship stands we will not be paying for minutes any more" or "we will pay for x number of minutes/month, but only if you call us every day at 9 am" or whatever rules you want. Normally I don't advocate making rules and trying to control the difficult child (or anyone else) but 17 may be different. </p><p></p><p>Please talk to a professional about your rights and obligations.</p><p></p><p>The reading list recovering gave you is a good one. I read "codependant no more" and was shocked...I didn't even realize a lot of my enabling behavior was inappropriate...in fact I was so sunk in that in a lot of the vignettes I coudln't see what the problem was!! In terms of radical acceptance, after you google it try Tara Brach's book "radical acceptance" which includes exercises. I haven't read boundaries, but I ordered it last night after reading your posts.</p><p></p><p>My own son just turned 20. He has been out of our house since he was 17 1/2, and I have had no contact with him since Dec 31 when he got out of jail for petty crimes. They say that our kids need to hit rock bottom before they turn around...my sense is that it was I who had to hit rock bottom before I could detach from the boy I loved so much. I saw that happen to ChildofMIne too, and Seekingstrength just in these last few weeks...I gather it happened Recovering and Cedar and Witz and the other people who responded to you. It is we, the parents, who hit rock bottom. It sound like you are there as well. The thing about rock bottom? There is only up to go from here. It takes some climbing, but it does get better if you can break your old patterns of reactiveness, misdirected support and hope that he will get better by patience, intervention, and role modelling.</p><p></p><p>Good luck to you, and to your wife, and to your difficult child.</p><p></p><p>We are here all the time.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 620530, member: 17269"] Stepparent, You've gotten a lot of input...I am sure it is overwhelming. ChildofMine likes to say "do nothing". You don't need to hurry right now. You do need to think things out. I like your plan a lot. I too thought of getting my son a room in a rooming house, or a cheap hotel room when he was 17 (after the military boarding school, wilderness treatment center, therapeutic boarding school, rehab, and half way house all failed...interspersed with periods at home of course). He, like your son, is primarily a personality or mental illness issue rather than a drug issue...I think...but then what do we know? LIke your son, his issues started pretty young. I didn't go the "get him a room" route because I was afraid he would let all his friends in and trash it and I would be responsible. I do think you need to talk to a counselour or lawyer before you do anything...I love cops (and they have helped me a lot with difficult child, and been very kind to me too) but they don't always know the law on stuff like this, especially age subtleties. Your difficult child also sounds potentially dangerous, so I would not tip your hand until you are ready to make a move, including being ready to change locks, since you know he has a key (we ultimately got a code lock, so we could change it whenever we want using the master code...that has saved us locksmith money over the years). I personally agree with not getting him a new cell phone. You could consider getting him a burner (the cheap ones at Walmart). Promises made to a liar and a thief who doesn't honor commitments don't need to be kept. It is fine to say "in view of how our relationship stands we will not be paying for minutes any more" or "we will pay for x number of minutes/month, but only if you call us every day at 9 am" or whatever rules you want. Normally I don't advocate making rules and trying to control the difficult child (or anyone else) but 17 may be different. Please talk to a professional about your rights and obligations. The reading list recovering gave you is a good one. I read "codependant no more" and was shocked...I didn't even realize a lot of my enabling behavior was inappropriate...in fact I was so sunk in that in a lot of the vignettes I coudln't see what the problem was!! In terms of radical acceptance, after you google it try Tara Brach's book "radical acceptance" which includes exercises. I haven't read boundaries, but I ordered it last night after reading your posts. My own son just turned 20. He has been out of our house since he was 17 1/2, and I have had no contact with him since Dec 31 when he got out of jail for petty crimes. They say that our kids need to hit rock bottom before they turn around...my sense is that it was I who had to hit rock bottom before I could detach from the boy I loved so much. I saw that happen to ChildofMIne too, and Seekingstrength just in these last few weeks...I gather it happened Recovering and Cedar and Witz and the other people who responded to you. It is we, the parents, who hit rock bottom. It sound like you are there as well. The thing about rock bottom? There is only up to go from here. It takes some climbing, but it does get better if you can break your old patterns of reactiveness, misdirected support and hope that he will get better by patience, intervention, and role modelling. Good luck to you, and to your wife, and to your difficult child. We are here all the time. Echo [/QUOTE]
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