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Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620535" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>The brains develop until twenty-five. I think it's best to tackle the problem with tough love way before twenty-five and much harder for an adult child to change after his brain has stopped developing. In my opinion, drug using and criminal young adults do not need extra understanding to change...they need hardcore proof that their behavior is not acceptable and that to live in comfort they have to change. The earlier the better. The youngest you can do this is eighteen, when you can legally lower the hammer on the behavior, set boundaries, and stand your ground. I wish I had done that with 36, but I felt sorry for him. Sound familiar? If he was going to see that his behavior was not appropriate, I think he would have done better if my ex had not bought a two bedroom condo just to house him so he was not on the street. He continued abusing my ex, even shoving him and intimidating him. My ex has an illness that makes him weak, and he did not need that. And 36 never mirrored acceptable behavior, and still can not help himself from getting downright heinous when he is under stress. Maybe he would have learned to act more normally toward us, or would have gotten help for it, if both ex and I had insisted on respect earlier and had a zero tolerance for either physical or verbal aggression. Actually, we put up with a lot of it because, again, we felt sorry for him.. I will never know if feeling less sorry for him and forcing him more to grow up would have helped, but it wouldn't have hurt. He stole from us, ordered porn movies against our wishes, swore, got in our faces, and did whatever he wanted to do, destroying his rooms. He flooded the internet with porn and had pictures of naked women that he had taken with his own camera thrown around his room. My youngest son almost came across them and I was able to divert him just in time. The pictures were....interesting. If he had such a hobby, he should have known better than to carelessly throw them around the house, but he never thought about anyone else...</p><p></p><p>My daughter who used drugs was dealt with at eighteen. As soon as she saw we meant business, she quit. I'm not saying this will work for all difficult children. Some need more time, but I do think it is better to start early than to wait until they are, say, twenty five and their bad habits have been going on longer and we are used to paying their way, even though they treat us like horse manure and break the law. The longer it becomes a pattern, the harder it is to change ourselves and our habits and the meaner they are when we finally set boundaries.</p><p></p><p>So that is my thinking on doing it young. Early intervention to me gives our going-wrong children a better chance. I mean, I could be wrong, but that's how I think. 36 has been enabled for so long that his nastiness is a way of life.</p><p></p><p>Have a peaceful day to all!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620535, member: 1550"] The brains develop until twenty-five. I think it's best to tackle the problem with tough love way before twenty-five and much harder for an adult child to change after his brain has stopped developing. In my opinion, drug using and criminal young adults do not need extra understanding to change...they need hardcore proof that their behavior is not acceptable and that to live in comfort they have to change. The earlier the better. The youngest you can do this is eighteen, when you can legally lower the hammer on the behavior, set boundaries, and stand your ground. I wish I had done that with 36, but I felt sorry for him. Sound familiar? If he was going to see that his behavior was not appropriate, I think he would have done better if my ex had not bought a two bedroom condo just to house him so he was not on the street. He continued abusing my ex, even shoving him and intimidating him. My ex has an illness that makes him weak, and he did not need that. And 36 never mirrored acceptable behavior, and still can not help himself from getting downright heinous when he is under stress. Maybe he would have learned to act more normally toward us, or would have gotten help for it, if both ex and I had insisted on respect earlier and had a zero tolerance for either physical or verbal aggression. Actually, we put up with a lot of it because, again, we felt sorry for him.. I will never know if feeling less sorry for him and forcing him more to grow up would have helped, but it wouldn't have hurt. He stole from us, ordered porn movies against our wishes, swore, got in our faces, and did whatever he wanted to do, destroying his rooms. He flooded the internet with porn and had pictures of naked women that he had taken with his own camera thrown around his room. My youngest son almost came across them and I was able to divert him just in time. The pictures were....interesting. If he had such a hobby, he should have known better than to carelessly throw them around the house, but he never thought about anyone else... My daughter who used drugs was dealt with at eighteen. As soon as she saw we meant business, she quit. I'm not saying this will work for all difficult children. Some need more time, but I do think it is better to start early than to wait until they are, say, twenty five and their bad habits have been going on longer and we are used to paying their way, even though they treat us like horse manure and break the law. The longer it becomes a pattern, the harder it is to change ourselves and our habits and the meaner they are when we finally set boundaries. So that is my thinking on doing it young. Early intervention to me gives our going-wrong children a better chance. I mean, I could be wrong, but that's how I think. 36 has been enabled for so long that his nastiness is a way of life. Have a peaceful day to all!!! [/QUOTE]
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