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Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620538" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Step, I read your post yesterday but wanted to give a more thoughtful response so waited until today. First, we hear you. I can't imagine how you are living and working and moving forward right now---with all of this weighing you down.</p><p></p><p>You must love your wife and daughter very much. </p><p></p><p>I get your wife and why she keeps on and on and on. He is her child. I so get that.</p><p></p><p>She will start to stop when she is so sick and tired---SOOOOOOOOO sick and tired----just weary to the bone with it all, finally realizing that nothing has helped. That he is completely lost. That is a hard, hard realization but that is an important step. </p><p></p><p>And even once you realize that, you still aren't done. DONE. You get to done later. </p><p></p><p>It's so painful to realize all of this and really, really take it in. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. It has literally brought me to my knees and into a little curled up ball. </p><p></p><p>For so long we operate our of stark, raving fear. We are absolutely terrified for our precious children. Even as they are doing awful things. Because as you know, you love your children so very much. </p><p></p><p>We are afraid they will die. We are afraid that they will be hurt by someone as they live such a dangerous life. We are afraid they will hurt someone else and they will go to jail forever and someone will lock them up and throw away the key. </p><p></p><p>We are deeply angry and resentful, but we often mask that with fear. We don't even know we feel those things because our fear takes over everything. </p><p></p><p>See, we still care about them more than we do ourselves. Even as they are acting horribly.</p><p></p><p>We drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why. We drive ourselves crazy telling ourselves they can't help what they are doing because they are sick, immature, need more time, lazy, so many things we tell ourselves. We let them completely off the hook for years with this insane behavior because of it.</p><p></p><p>And finally, one day, we start stopping. Everybody's stopping is different. And our stoppings aren't once and for all. </p><p></p><p>We start stopping. We still "go" but we start stopping more and more and more. </p><p></p><p>And it starts making US feel better so we want more of it. We look up, and we realize there is a whole big world out there. </p><p></p><p>We realize nothing, nothing, nothing---not one single thing---we have done has helped. We have done it all many times, and still, nothing has changed. In most cases, things have only gotten worse. We can't think of another thing to do or try except to put them in a cage or have them committed. And most of the time, the laws and courts won't allow that. </p><p></p><p>We are so sad. We cry and wail and sit and stare and hide and grieve to our very marrow. And as we do all of that, we are slowly stopping.</p><p></p><p>My beloved sister died when she was 23 and I grieved for months. It was awful but that was NOTHING like this. I thought that was real pain. But that was NOTHING like this. </p><p></p><p>This never ends. It goes on and on and on. </p><p></p><p>But if we work hard and want to change, we can not only start stopping, we can start living again. We can find joy and peace and serenity and contentment even as our precious children continue to self-destruct. As we taste just a bite of that, we want more of it. It feels so good. It has been so long since we felt at peace and that life was good. </p><p></p><p>We start to work harder. </p><p></p><p>Echo said they only want self-gratification. My son wants what he wants when he wants it. And that's all. </p><p></p><p>It's like I'm a tiny little David and he/his disease is an enormous Goliath. I call addiction (a mental illness) a 40-foot-tall monster that destroys everything in its path. I'm sorry to my core that it is inside my son but I can't blast it out of him. He can't either. He has to learn to live with it and it is a daily battle he will have to fight---if he ever chooses to fight---for the rest of his life. </p><p></p><p>I am no match for this disease and neither is your wife. Your stepson has even more profound problems, it sounds like, than my son does. She is no match for any of it. She will fail every time.</p><p></p><p>You and your wife need practical advice, I agree with Echo above. Your wife has to be ready, and that is so hard. </p><p></p><p>I hope she is reading this board. I would suggest she sit and read it for hours. As she reads, she will take in the message that we are powerless over our children. Over anybody. Over all people, places and things. The only thing we can control is ourselves and doing that is a full-time job leaving NO TIME for managing anybody else's life, even our own children's lives.</p><p></p><p>Please get legal advice. Can you declare your stepson a ward of the state? That is a provision in my state for incorrigible children. </p><p></p><p>Please get professional counseling from a counselor who has experience dealing with this---a counselor who understands addiction if your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Choose that person carefully. I went to a well-meaning counselor for years for marriage counseling. My husband was an active alcoholic. After 10 years, when I had tried everything to make the marriage work, and I was ready for a separation, she was still saying: "Oh, you two are such great people. I just hate to see this. Isn't there something else you can try?" I was furious and I said to her: What would you have me do that I haven't done---and you have listened and watched me try it all---100 times? She finally told me she had no experience with addiction. You bet she didn't. It is a cunning, baffling disease that mows everybody in its path right down to the nub. </p><p></p><p>If your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol in addition to his mental illness, that is a primary diagnosis. That will have to be treated. There is no way to know how much that affects his mental illness(es), which would be a second primary diagnosis. </p><p></p><p>In the end, you can't save your stepson. You can't save your wife from trying to save your stepson. You can't "save" your daughter, his stepsister. You can only "save" yourself, in the end. You have a responsibility to your daughter of course, and I am sure your wife loves her deeply and would never want to be hurt.</p><p></p><p>But one thing is for sure: While we are enabling, we are also insane. Not just the person we are trying to save. We are, too. </p><p></p><p>You are fortunate that you can see this more objectively. </p><p></p><p>Please get professional help for yourself and your wife. This is a very tough situation all the way around, one of the worst I've heard about. </p><p></p><p>There is no clear answer here. I am thinking of you, your wife and your daughter---and your stepson---and praying for you all today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620538, member: 17542"] Step, I read your post yesterday but wanted to give a more thoughtful response so waited until today. First, we hear you. I can't imagine how you are living and working and moving forward right now---with all of this weighing you down. You must love your wife and daughter very much. I get your wife and why she keeps on and on and on. He is her child. I so get that. She will start to stop when she is so sick and tired---SOOOOOOOOO sick and tired----just weary to the bone with it all, finally realizing that nothing has helped. That he is completely lost. That is a hard, hard realization but that is an important step. And even once you realize that, you still aren't done. DONE. You get to done later. It's so painful to realize all of this and really, really take it in. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. It has literally brought me to my knees and into a little curled up ball. For so long we operate our of stark, raving fear. We are absolutely terrified for our precious children. Even as they are doing awful things. Because as you know, you love your children so very much. We are afraid they will die. We are afraid that they will be hurt by someone as they live such a dangerous life. We are afraid they will hurt someone else and they will go to jail forever and someone will lock them up and throw away the key. We are deeply angry and resentful, but we often mask that with fear. We don't even know we feel those things because our fear takes over everything. See, we still care about them more than we do ourselves. Even as they are acting horribly. We drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why. We drive ourselves crazy telling ourselves they can't help what they are doing because they are sick, immature, need more time, lazy, so many things we tell ourselves. We let them completely off the hook for years with this insane behavior because of it. And finally, one day, we start stopping. Everybody's stopping is different. And our stoppings aren't once and for all. We start stopping. We still "go" but we start stopping more and more and more. And it starts making US feel better so we want more of it. We look up, and we realize there is a whole big world out there. We realize nothing, nothing, nothing---not one single thing---we have done has helped. We have done it all many times, and still, nothing has changed. In most cases, things have only gotten worse. We can't think of another thing to do or try except to put them in a cage or have them committed. And most of the time, the laws and courts won't allow that. We are so sad. We cry and wail and sit and stare and hide and grieve to our very marrow. And as we do all of that, we are slowly stopping. My beloved sister died when she was 23 and I grieved for months. It was awful but that was NOTHING like this. I thought that was real pain. But that was NOTHING like this. This never ends. It goes on and on and on. But if we work hard and want to change, we can not only start stopping, we can start living again. We can find joy and peace and serenity and contentment even as our precious children continue to self-destruct. As we taste just a bite of that, we want more of it. It feels so good. It has been so long since we felt at peace and that life was good. We start to work harder. Echo said they only want self-gratification. My son wants what he wants when he wants it. And that's all. It's like I'm a tiny little David and he/his disease is an enormous Goliath. I call addiction (a mental illness) a 40-foot-tall monster that destroys everything in its path. I'm sorry to my core that it is inside my son but I can't blast it out of him. He can't either. He has to learn to live with it and it is a daily battle he will have to fight---if he ever chooses to fight---for the rest of his life. I am no match for this disease and neither is your wife. Your stepson has even more profound problems, it sounds like, than my son does. She is no match for any of it. She will fail every time. You and your wife need practical advice, I agree with Echo above. Your wife has to be ready, and that is so hard. I hope she is reading this board. I would suggest she sit and read it for hours. As she reads, she will take in the message that we are powerless over our children. Over anybody. Over all people, places and things. The only thing we can control is ourselves and doing that is a full-time job leaving NO TIME for managing anybody else's life, even our own children's lives. Please get legal advice. Can you declare your stepson a ward of the state? That is a provision in my state for incorrigible children. Please get professional counseling from a counselor who has experience dealing with this---a counselor who understands addiction if your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Choose that person carefully. I went to a well-meaning counselor for years for marriage counseling. My husband was an active alcoholic. After 10 years, when I had tried everything to make the marriage work, and I was ready for a separation, she was still saying: "Oh, you two are such great people. I just hate to see this. Isn't there something else you can try?" I was furious and I said to her: What would you have me do that I haven't done---and you have listened and watched me try it all---100 times? She finally told me she had no experience with addiction. You bet she didn't. It is a cunning, baffling disease that mows everybody in its path right down to the nub. If your stepson is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol in addition to his mental illness, that is a primary diagnosis. That will have to be treated. There is no way to know how much that affects his mental illness(es), which would be a second primary diagnosis. In the end, you can't save your stepson. You can't save your wife from trying to save your stepson. You can't "save" your daughter, his stepsister. You can only "save" yourself, in the end. You have a responsibility to your daughter of course, and I am sure your wife loves her deeply and would never want to be hurt. But one thing is for sure: While we are enabling, we are also insane. Not just the person we are trying to save. We are, too. You are fortunate that you can see this more objectively. Please get professional help for yourself and your wife. This is a very tough situation all the way around, one of the worst I've heard about. There is no clear answer here. I am thinking of you, your wife and your daughter---and your stepson---and praying for you all today. [/QUOTE]
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