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Parent Emeritus
Instructed to repost this here, thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620678" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Don't waste any time on "shoulds". One of the sayings in AlAnon is to get rid of shoulds, woulds and coulds. There is only what is. Reality. You did the best you could. Your wife did the best she could. You are also doing the best you can---both of you---right now. This very hard stuff you both are trying to do. The hardest things you will likely ever do in your whole life.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That shows progress. Realizing this. Remembering this. Reminding yourself of this. I like to type things up like this---print them out, and post them on my bathroom mirror and refrigerator. Sometimes I go and stand and read them over and over. It sounds remedial, but we are literally changing the wiring in our own brains. We need every single tool at our disposal and we need to commit to using them daily. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You can always change your mind about any commitment you made/make. Things change. Situations change. Clearly, Clearly, he has not done the things he said he would do. As people of honor, we believe we say something and we have to stick with it. We can change our mind at any time. That is our adult prerogative. Remember that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Amen. My son is now 24.5. We have been dealing with terrible things with him for four years. If I had known then...But you will do the very best you can every day. You will do better if you work a consistent program of recovery every day. Keep reading this site to find out exactly what that means. I spend 1 to 2 hours a day working my program. It is the only way I have gotten here and my travels have been inch by inch with frequent relapses. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, this makes it really tough. I think you are doing really well under these circumstances. Try to stop the things you can stop. Ask yourself this question---it can really clear away the fog when you are trying to decide whether to do something or not: Am I about to do something for him he can do for himself? There are 17 year olds who pay for some of their own expenses with a part time job, like gas, cell phone, spending money, car insurance. </p><p></p><p>All food for thought. Keep us updated. We are praying for you and are here to listen and help. And realize, it also helps us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620678, member: 17542"] Don't waste any time on "shoulds". One of the sayings in AlAnon is to get rid of shoulds, woulds and coulds. There is only what is. Reality. You did the best you could. Your wife did the best she could. You are also doing the best you can---both of you---right now. This very hard stuff you both are trying to do. The hardest things you will likely ever do in your whole life. That shows progress. Realizing this. Remembering this. Reminding yourself of this. I like to type things up like this---print them out, and post them on my bathroom mirror and refrigerator. Sometimes I go and stand and read them over and over. It sounds remedial, but we are literally changing the wiring in our own brains. We need every single tool at our disposal and we need to commit to using them daily. You can always change your mind about any commitment you made/make. Things change. Situations change. Clearly, Clearly, he has not done the things he said he would do. As people of honor, we believe we say something and we have to stick with it. We can change our mind at any time. That is our adult prerogative. Remember that. Amen. My son is now 24.5. We have been dealing with terrible things with him for four years. If I had known then...But you will do the very best you can every day. You will do better if you work a consistent program of recovery every day. Keep reading this site to find out exactly what that means. I spend 1 to 2 hours a day working my program. It is the only way I have gotten here and my travels have been inch by inch with frequent relapses. Yes, this makes it really tough. I think you are doing really well under these circumstances. Try to stop the things you can stop. Ask yourself this question---it can really clear away the fog when you are trying to decide whether to do something or not: Am I about to do something for him he can do for himself? There are 17 year olds who pay for some of their own expenses with a part time job, like gas, cell phone, spending money, car insurance. All food for thought. Keep us updated. We are praying for you and are here to listen and help. And realize, it also helps us. [/QUOTE]
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