Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Interesting Emotional Response
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 610268" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>In using the term, "false persona" I am really describing a personality which has grown into adulthood with an inauthentic component which is not healthy. I understand your points, however, for me, being "nice" was a survival tactic to keep myself safe since the sheer unpredictability of my environment always kept me on my toes. I was terrorized into abandoning big chunks of myself. Inauthentic in terms of not saying my truth, not risking another's displeasure thereby allowing bad behavior. I believe those of us abused as children are bigger targets to our own abusive children then someone who grew up in a relatively safe and healthy environment. My parents abused us in psychological, manipulative, often cruel ways, much like my daughter has treated others.</p><p></p><p>It was described to me many years ago that we each have an "ouch line" and those of us who are abused, lose sight of that line and others can easily cross it. Appropriate anger happens when someone crosses that line. Except if you were abused, then you have no line and you don't know it's okay to be angry, all of that gets blurred.</p><p></p><p>Like you I pretty much always knew right from wrong and I did have much empathy, however, when one's own parents mess with your sense of right and wrong and insist that their version is correct, it can take a whole lot of years to figure out that they were wrong and you are safe enough now to emerge with an ouch line and appropriate anger.</p><p></p><p>I did believe I had the power to impact another's life by my sheer will. That in itself is not born out of a healthy place......... in a dysfunctional family, often the oldest (me) is given remarkable standards to live up to and other kids lives to be responsible for, "instrumental parentification" is the clinical term......responsibilities that should rest on the parents shoulders are given to a child. That kind of weight does it's own damage.</p><p></p><p>I agree about not understanding the difference between anger and rage, it's very scary to live in that as a little kid. For me there is more to that story, it has to do with power. I have realized that in holding back my anger, in not responding in an appropriately angry way, setting appropriate boundaries around bad behavior, that I also held back my power. I did not know how to find my own power when the only power demonstrated to me was power OVER OTHERS. It took awhile for me to see that my power was about empowering myself and others and once I was clear on appropriate anger, ( I still work on that too!) the power issue began clearing up too. </p><p></p><p>Not feeling empowered, not knowing your own power keeps you stuck in places you might have removed yourself from if you knew your own power. I stayed in all kinds of relationships and friendships because I was essentially mute when it came to expressing my anger, my power and my real self authentic self. </p><p></p><p>I never lacked compassion and empathy for others, it was myself I didn't have that same respect for. Some people act that out externally, like my parents and my daughter..........they act out their internal powerlessness on others to make themselves feel bigger and better. Some of us do that to ourselves, I (mostly) hurt myself.</p><p></p><p>For me anger is anger, if we get angry and know in our hearts that we can trust ourselves to act accordingly, then there is no reason not to simply tell someone their behavior is inappropriate and you are angry. It is okay. Asking for clarification is one way to be clear about it, t is okay to be angry, to be angry without<em> losing control. The loss of control is what is not appropriate.</em></p><p></p><p>So, for me, a false persona did exist.........if I am not being truthful, if I can't be angry, if I am afraid of expressing how I really feel, if I am afraid of my power, if I cannot set appropriate healthy boundaries around bad behavior, if I allow others to dictate my reality............then I am not operating from an authentic persona, it is not who I am. That has been the work of a lifetime Cedar, to uncover the parts of myself hidden under fear and to allow them expression and life. That expression, that truth of who I am, is the stuff therapy is made of and what helped me to feel whole and balanced. </p><p></p><p>I love my daughter too, of course........... and yet now, I think I also love myself ...........and that is what is changing everything.</p><p></p><p>My "overnight success" comment was in reference to my personal journey of coming to myself, being the truth of me, the whole truth without all the missing components..........that's what took a lifetime.............now at 64 years old, I finally feel as if I am a complete grown up with all of my different components merged and blended together to make a whole human being........not just the nice me, (I am a nice me), but the me who can be angry and powerful and talented too. Like all humans, I am a combination of the light and the dark not just one. And, in accepting all of the parts of me, <em>it's all okay.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 610268, member: 13542"] In using the term, "false persona" I am really describing a personality which has grown into adulthood with an inauthentic component which is not healthy. I understand your points, however, for me, being "nice" was a survival tactic to keep myself safe since the sheer unpredictability of my environment always kept me on my toes. I was terrorized into abandoning big chunks of myself. Inauthentic in terms of not saying my truth, not risking another's displeasure thereby allowing bad behavior. I believe those of us abused as children are bigger targets to our own abusive children then someone who grew up in a relatively safe and healthy environment. My parents abused us in psychological, manipulative, often cruel ways, much like my daughter has treated others. It was described to me many years ago that we each have an "ouch line" and those of us who are abused, lose sight of that line and others can easily cross it. Appropriate anger happens when someone crosses that line. Except if you were abused, then you have no line and you don't know it's okay to be angry, all of that gets blurred. Like you I pretty much always knew right from wrong and I did have much empathy, however, when one's own parents mess with your sense of right and wrong and insist that their version is correct, it can take a whole lot of years to figure out that they were wrong and you are safe enough now to emerge with an ouch line and appropriate anger. I did believe I had the power to impact another's life by my sheer will. That in itself is not born out of a healthy place......... in a dysfunctional family, often the oldest (me) is given remarkable standards to live up to and other kids lives to be responsible for, "instrumental parentification" is the clinical term......responsibilities that should rest on the parents shoulders are given to a child. That kind of weight does it's own damage. I agree about not understanding the difference between anger and rage, it's very scary to live in that as a little kid. For me there is more to that story, it has to do with power. I have realized that in holding back my anger, in not responding in an appropriately angry way, setting appropriate boundaries around bad behavior, that I also held back my power. I did not know how to find my own power when the only power demonstrated to me was power OVER OTHERS. It took awhile for me to see that my power was about empowering myself and others and once I was clear on appropriate anger, ( I still work on that too!) the power issue began clearing up too. Not feeling empowered, not knowing your own power keeps you stuck in places you might have removed yourself from if you knew your own power. I stayed in all kinds of relationships and friendships because I was essentially mute when it came to expressing my anger, my power and my real self authentic self. I never lacked compassion and empathy for others, it was myself I didn't have that same respect for. Some people act that out externally, like my parents and my daughter..........they act out their internal powerlessness on others to make themselves feel bigger and better. Some of us do that to ourselves, I (mostly) hurt myself. For me anger is anger, if we get angry and know in our hearts that we can trust ourselves to act accordingly, then there is no reason not to simply tell someone their behavior is inappropriate and you are angry. It is okay. Asking for clarification is one way to be clear about it, t is okay to be angry, to be angry without[I] losing control. The loss of control is what is not appropriate.[/I] So, for me, a false persona did exist.........if I am not being truthful, if I can't be angry, if I am afraid of expressing how I really feel, if I am afraid of my power, if I cannot set appropriate healthy boundaries around bad behavior, if I allow others to dictate my reality............then I am not operating from an authentic persona, it is not who I am. That has been the work of a lifetime Cedar, to uncover the parts of myself hidden under fear and to allow them expression and life. That expression, that truth of who I am, is the stuff therapy is made of and what helped me to feel whole and balanced. I love my daughter too, of course........... and yet now, I think I also love myself ...........and that is what is changing everything. My "overnight success" comment was in reference to my personal journey of coming to myself, being the truth of me, the whole truth without all the missing components..........that's what took a lifetime.............now at 64 years old, I finally feel as if I am a complete grown up with all of my different components merged and blended together to make a whole human being........not just the nice me, (I am a nice me), but the me who can be angry and powerful and talented too. Like all humans, I am a combination of the light and the dark not just one. And, in accepting all of the parts of me, [I]it's all okay.[/I] [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Interesting Emotional Response
Top