Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Interesting take on why adult children think it's ok to cut off parents
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653849" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>My D H hates Dr. Benjamin Spock and Dr. Lee Salk to this day and blames them for much of what happened to our family. I read and referred to their books on raising healthy children religiously. I mean that literally. I had so little clue about how to parent, and took my role as parent and homemaker very seriously.</p><p></p><p>I read things like Marilyn French's The Women's Room and came away thinking how clever she had been to list the household chores on index cards. So I did that, too.</p><p></p><p>For those who don't know, that book was actually about the pointlessness of the heroine's attention to cleaning and wifing.</p><p></p><p>It is funny to me that I started her index card file of how to create a home based in part on that book, instead of turning away from my devotion to creating a home, which was surely the writer's intent. What happened there though is that I began keeping all kinds of things on index cards, and that is how I got my quote box. It is a lovely thing. In it, I read who I have been, what I have found poignant or beautiful or valuable in my adult life.</p><p></p><p>I am so happy to have it. I share many of the quotes with all of you, here.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p> </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>A therapist told me once that everything good I had put into my child (I was in therapy over difficult child daughter at that time. difficult child son was still exceptionally perfect. </p><p></p><p>True.</p><p></p><p>Exceptional in every way.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>The therapist said that all the good things she had been raised with would always be there, in her heart, to guide her, all of her life. </p><p></p><p>I find that this is true. Both my kids are interesting, really bright characters. They are kind and empathic and blazingly creative.</p><p></p><p>They are actually amazing parents, until they aren't.</p><p></p><p>But addiction is addiction, and here we all are.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>On the issue of seeing a parent (as I am not seeing, or being seen by, mine) or seeing or not being seen by, a child...in the end, we learn to cherish ourselves whatever the wounding. We learn that their condemnation is their business.</p><p></p><p>Our business is to cherish ourselves and our lives and our memories and our courage.</p><p></p><p>We may wish with all our hearts that things could be different, and that we could have those same things our friends seem to have. But for us to survive it, we need to make that choice to cherish ourselves through it. We need to refuse to take responsibility for the choices someone else makes.</p><p></p><p>What they choose changes nothing about us.</p><p></p><p>Nor should we allow it to.</p><p></p><p>That is part of their game, I think. Perhaps that is the pleasure they take in excluding us, when they can no longer dominate us.</p><p></p><p>I suppose that is what it is.</p><p></p><p>As for our children, I think a person recovering from addiction perhaps needs to take many times away from family to figure out what is real, now.</p><p></p><p>That seems to be what my son needs to do.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, he hates me so much and has to tell me all about it.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, he doesn't talk to me and refuses to allow his children to have anything to do with me, either. In those times, he says I am a really bad, unfair, uncaring grandma to his children because I don't treat them the same as I treated my first two grands. (What he actually does is call me a jerk. You believe it?!? But I digress.) But then, those first grandchildren were mostly living with us as they grew up, and difficult child son's children are well taken care of by difficult child son and so, have not lived with us. Instead, they live very far away.</p><p></p><p>I have to think about all this stuff alot, because everything looks so different for us than I had believed it would. I don't know how to see or respond to these things correctly, so we are flying by the seats of our pants most of the time.</p><p></p><p>Then, difficult child son will call. If things go well, he will call again the next week. </p><p></p><p>He asks whether we want to talk to the kids.</p><p></p><p>And things go along pretty well for awhile.</p><p></p><p>Currently, we are not talking, I guess.</p><p></p><p>So, I just love him anyway and love myself, too.</p><p></p><p>That is my responsibility. To love myself so I can love all my difficult child family without being hurt or damaged or scarred further.</p><p></p><p>That is how I think I see it, today.</p><p></p><p>It's another version of that old "I just want everyone to be happy". I get that, but it works for me.</p><p></p><p>It is so easy to choose hatred, to declare an ending, to ride off on that horse.</p><p></p><p>I just think all that stuff is a lie. And I think choosing to do things like that keeps us stuck. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes, there are no answers. There is no one to blame. It does no one any good for us to pin our bad feelings on an incident or a person or, for me, memories of abusive things. I want to understand and heal the shame.</p><p></p><p>I want to cherish myself and my time, here. I want to look into other people's eyes and feel that connection that happens, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>I want to have that with my children and grands, and I want to be ready for it so I can recognize it and accept it and celebrate it when it happens.</p><p></p><p>And those are the only things I know, for sure.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653849, member: 17461"] My D H hates Dr. Benjamin Spock and Dr. Lee Salk to this day and blames them for much of what happened to our family. I read and referred to their books on raising healthy children religiously. I mean that literally. I had so little clue about how to parent, and took my role as parent and homemaker very seriously. I read things like Marilyn French's The Women's Room and came away thinking how clever she had been to list the household chores on index cards. So I did that, too. For those who don't know, that book was actually about the pointlessness of the heroine's attention to cleaning and wifing. It is funny to me that I started her index card file of how to create a home based in part on that book, instead of turning away from my devotion to creating a home, which was surely the writer's intent. What happened there though is that I began keeping all kinds of things on index cards, and that is how I got my quote box. It is a lovely thing. In it, I read who I have been, what I have found poignant or beautiful or valuable in my adult life. I am so happy to have it. I share many of the quotes with all of you, here. :O) *** A therapist told me once that everything good I had put into my child (I was in therapy over difficult child daughter at that time. difficult child son was still exceptionally perfect. True. Exceptional in every way. :O) Ahem. The therapist said that all the good things she had been raised with would always be there, in her heart, to guide her, all of her life. I find that this is true. Both my kids are interesting, really bright characters. They are kind and empathic and blazingly creative. They are actually amazing parents, until they aren't. But addiction is addiction, and here we all are. *** On the issue of seeing a parent (as I am not seeing, or being seen by, mine) or seeing or not being seen by, a child...in the end, we learn to cherish ourselves whatever the wounding. We learn that their condemnation is their business. Our business is to cherish ourselves and our lives and our memories and our courage. We may wish with all our hearts that things could be different, and that we could have those same things our friends seem to have. But for us to survive it, we need to make that choice to cherish ourselves through it. We need to refuse to take responsibility for the choices someone else makes. What they choose changes nothing about us. Nor should we allow it to. That is part of their game, I think. Perhaps that is the pleasure they take in excluding us, when they can no longer dominate us. I suppose that is what it is. As for our children, I think a person recovering from addiction perhaps needs to take many times away from family to figure out what is real, now. That seems to be what my son needs to do. Sometimes, he hates me so much and has to tell me all about it. Sometimes, he doesn't talk to me and refuses to allow his children to have anything to do with me, either. In those times, he says I am a really bad, unfair, uncaring grandma to his children because I don't treat them the same as I treated my first two grands. (What he actually does is call me a jerk. You believe it?!? But I digress.) But then, those first grandchildren were mostly living with us as they grew up, and difficult child son's children are well taken care of by difficult child son and so, have not lived with us. Instead, they live very far away. I have to think about all this stuff alot, because everything looks so different for us than I had believed it would. I don't know how to see or respond to these things correctly, so we are flying by the seats of our pants most of the time. Then, difficult child son will call. If things go well, he will call again the next week. He asks whether we want to talk to the kids. And things go along pretty well for awhile. Currently, we are not talking, I guess. So, I just love him anyway and love myself, too. That is my responsibility. To love myself so I can love all my difficult child family without being hurt or damaged or scarred further. That is how I think I see it, today. It's another version of that old "I just want everyone to be happy". I get that, but it works for me. It is so easy to choose hatred, to declare an ending, to ride off on that horse. I just think all that stuff is a lie. And I think choosing to do things like that keeps us stuck. Sometimes, there are no answers. There is no one to blame. It does no one any good for us to pin our bad feelings on an incident or a person or, for me, memories of abusive things. I want to understand and heal the shame. I want to cherish myself and my time, here. I want to look into other people's eyes and feel that connection that happens, sometimes. I want to have that with my children and grands, and I want to be ready for it so I can recognize it and accept it and celebrate it when it happens. And those are the only things I know, for sure. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Interesting take on why adult children think it's ok to cut off parents
Top