Welcome RiverWitch, I am so glad you found us here. You have quite a story and sadly it's one that is all to familiar on this site.
From what I have read it appears that you have a good grasp on what you need to do, detach and stop enabling. Yes, easier said than done. Even more difficult when there are small children involved.
I do hope that you and your husband are in agreement as to what needs to happen. It's much easier when there is a united front.
There is a good article on detachment at the top of the PE page. I suggest you and hubby take some time to read it. Many have printed it off so they can refer to it often. Detachment does not mean that we have stopped loving our DCs it simply means that we will no longer allow their chaos and drama to disrupt our lives.
Living through my own sons chaos and drama I learned that no amount of money I spend will change him, no amount of my time or energy will change him. I so desperately wanted my son to change, to live a life more in line with what I thought was acceptable. It was very painful to finally come to the realization that I could not change my son and that I had to accept that he was going to live his life the way he wanted to. With that acceptance came a freedom that I did not expect.
I wish I could tell you it's quick and easy but it's not, however, it is the beginning of taking your life back and the work it takes it worth it.
One thing that helped me is to be prepared with my "statements" for when my son would ask for money or help. I found that simple statements work best. The better prepared you are ahead of time the better you will be able to stand firm.
Son: Mom, I really need you to help me. I don't have money for food.
Me: I'm sorry but I can't help you.
Son: What do you mean you can't help me, I know you have money.
Me: I'm sorry but I can't help you. If you are hungry then go to a food pantry, here's a list.
Son: I can't believe you would do this to me.
Me: I did not do this to you, you did this to yourself.
Son: If you loved me you would help me.
Me: I do love you. You are smart and need to figure this out for yourself.
Son: You are such a B#*#*!!!
Me: I love you and I'm hanging up now.
Our DCs know how to ramp it up with threats and lies. They will try to "guilt" us into taking care of them. Don't fall into the guilt trap.
While your SDr has been diagnosed with Bipolar that is still no excuse for her behavior. Many DCs will try and use that as an excuse but that's all it is. There are many people who have Bipolar along with other disorders who function responsibly because they have made the choice to do what they need to do, take their medications and stay in therapy.
We cannot control our DCs and the choices they make but we can control how we respond.
You and your husband deserve to have peace in your life.
I'm glad you are here with us. Keep posting and let us know how things are going.
((HUGS)) to you..................
This is a good video about the difference between helping and enabling.
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