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Intro Post, Question about Swearing in School
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 391919" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>Welcome to the boards. Glad you decided to speak up and join us, although naturally none of us wishes anyone to need us. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p> </p><p>On the X front, I can understand. ExDH, before his passing, was referred to as King Moron in my sig line because, well, when it came to difficult child 2's issues, he was an idiot. I just needed to "be firm and not back down." I just needed to <insert your choice of denial logic here> and everything would be fine. While I took difficult child 2 to every doctor known to man, dealt with daycare expulsions, school phone calls, and in general, fought the system on difficult child 2's behalf, exDH was oblivious. I was wasting money. I was wasting time. I wasn't accepting responsibility for my role in his behavior, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, okay. Whatever, King Moron. Come live here for a few weeks - you'll sing a different tune, I promise. </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, as difficult child 2 got older and his problems more pronounced, it got harder for exDH to argue his points without sounding like an even bigger moron, so he kept quiet. Then, when I started faxing him copies of evaluations, hospital discharge paperwork, etc., he started to come around and get with the program. Until then, I just kind of had to go it alone and not worry about what he thought, what HE felt I should do, etc. My standard response became "Anytime you think you can handle this better, be my guest." </p><p> </p><p>We've also had our share of "professionals" who weren't helpful, resisted giving referrals, etc. In a period of 3 or 4 years, we went through a half a dozen psychiatrists and I couldn't tell you how many tdocs. I got so tired of hearing "we don't think his issues warrant xyz" (whatever I was requesting.) It got to the point where I laid all my cards on the table as soon as a new professional was brought on. It was very simple. If I request a particular test, evaluation, consult, referral, whatever, you have two choices: 1) give me what I ask for, if for no other reason than to ease my own mind or 2) you're fired. Period. Those were the only options. It got to the point that I just refused to work with anyone who wouldn't truly, honestly, help me, my son, and my family. I just didn't need to bang my head against any more brick walls. I didn't care if that made me unpopular, or unpleasant to deal with, or basically got me labeled as "that" parent. Heck, I once fired a psychiatrist simply because when I brought up a suggestion made by a therapist, his response was "yeah, everyone thinks they're a psychiatrist." Do what? Um, excuse me, but if you can't work as part of this team without getting your PhD feathers ruffled, then...in the words of Donald Trump - YOU'RE FIRED! (He wasn't doing anything except seeing difficult child 2 for 15 minutes once a month to write rxs - no referrals, no testing, just a medication dispenser, so he wasn't much use as it was.) I was even prepared to travel 2.5 hours each way to take difficult child 2 to docs in Atlanta, if that's what we had to do to get him the best care - so long as everyone involved in his case would work as a team. (I had a house full of resistant difficult children - I sure didn't need resistant professionals to boot.)</p><p> </p><p>Be "that" parent - the thorn in their side, pit bull, PIA parent. If some professional gives you some lame "it will only cause problems" b.s., remind them that withholding professional services for fear of rocking the boat is no way to manage the care of their patient. After all, their job is to get difficult child the care he needs, not act as marriage counselor or ostrich (head in the sand.) What professional in their right mind would promote that kind of denial? It would be the same as telling my father he shouldn't go to the cardiologist to have his heart evaluated because it might cause problems/arguements for the rest of the family. It makes no sense. Their responsibility is to your son's medical care, not your marriage or relationship with your ex. Having a complete evaluation done helps figure out what you're dealing with, how to approach it, and how to best overcome it. I would think that would be far better than allowing everyone to keep stumbling around in the dark. Oh, I better get down off my soapbox on this one. I could rant and rave for days. lol. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p> </p><p>On the swearing front, I don't know how well this might help, but we found it helpful - in varying degrees - for all 3 of my difficult children for various behaviors. A therapist once suggested a poker chip system. First, each of my kids got to design and decorate their own "chip jar." (We used large canning jars and paint pens - the idea of having them personalize it themselves is to get them invested in the idea, even if resentfully, at first.) We targeted specific goals/behaviors, 1 at a time. Each time they were "caught" doing something right (cleaning their room, taking a shower without a fit, not using bad language when frustrated, etc.) they got to put a chip in the jar. If they broke the rule/didn't follow instructions/whatever, they had to take a chip out. At the end of each week, they got to "cash in" their chips for extra privileges, a particular outing, or cash - their choice. The key, according to our therapist, was to have THEM put their chips in and take them out. Have THEM handle everything - even deciding when something warrants getting or losing a chip (to an extent, of course.) The more you can do to help them learn to "own" their choices and get them invested in the concept, the more successful it will be. In our case, the chip system worked for minor problems (like calling each other nasty names, fighting over things instead of compromising, etc.) It didn't work for bigger problems like difficult child 2's rages, because he didn't have as much choice or control over those behaviors as a really young kid. </p><p> </p><p>We established rules in the beginning like one or two warnings before losing a chip. As they progressed, we'd drop the warnings down to only one, then no warnings. When they were allowed warnings, all I was supposed to do was say "that's your second warning. What happens if this happens again, now?" It made the whole helping them decide when they lost a chip a whole lot easier on me. They had a clear understanding of expectations, so they knew when they were about to lose a chip, they could either be more mindful, or lose it - their choice. If they lost it, they knew it before I even said anything. In fact, difficult child 2, being the strict "rules are rules" concrete thinker he was, didn't even require a reminder. He'd just go take out a chip. lol. difficult child 1, on the other hand, would argue until she lost all her chips, half the toys in her room, all electronic privileges, and spent the rest of the day in her room, sulking. lol. It took a lot longer to make progress with her. </p><p> </p><p>It's an idea, anyway. At least it gives you something to present to the teacher as a thought - something to start off the brainstorming process. Even if it's just a note sent home once a week stating there were/weren't any problems that week. A good note = chips. A bad note = lose chips. </p><p> </p><p>At one point, we actually had a notebook that stayed in difficult child 1's bookbag. Each teacher, daycare worker, and I all wrote notes for the day in it - even if it was something as simple as "uneventful day." It really helped keep communications open. If she had a bad day at school, the folks at daycare knew about it, and when I picked her up, so did I. If she had a good day, we all knew. If something of concern happened, I signed by the note to indicate to the teacher/daycare personnel that I had read it. At one point, we all even listed any consequences given for a particular behavior so others could choose to follow along with it when reasonable. (Ex. if she lost TV privileges at home, the folks at daycare wouldn't let her watch movies there either - she had to go to another room and do something else instead.) It did WONDERS for consistency for her, not to mention, she knew we all knew everything, so there were no openings for manipulating on her part.</p><p> </p><p>Big hugs for you, hon. I know how hard this can be. It's easy for me to sit here, on the other side of the storm, and rattle off ideas that might or might not work. Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel - really. You'll get 1001 suggestions on how to address this behavior or that, whether here or elsewhere. Some of them may work for awhile, some of them not at all. The trick is to just keep trying. Have as many tools at the ready as you can muster. While you're trying one thing, keep listening and looking for more ideas to try next if the current one doesn't work. It helps, if for no other reason that to help you feel more prepared and ready for whatever comes next.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 391919, member: 4560"] Welcome to the boards. Glad you decided to speak up and join us, although naturally none of us wishes anyone to need us. :) On the X front, I can understand. ExDH, before his passing, was referred to as King Moron in my sig line because, well, when it came to difficult child 2's issues, he was an idiot. I just needed to "be firm and not back down." I just needed to <insert your choice of denial logic here> and everything would be fine. While I took difficult child 2 to every doctor known to man, dealt with daycare expulsions, school phone calls, and in general, fought the system on difficult child 2's behalf, exDH was oblivious. I was wasting money. I was wasting time. I wasn't accepting responsibility for my role in his behavior, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, okay. Whatever, King Moron. Come live here for a few weeks - you'll sing a different tune, I promise. Eventually, as difficult child 2 got older and his problems more pronounced, it got harder for exDH to argue his points without sounding like an even bigger moron, so he kept quiet. Then, when I started faxing him copies of evaluations, hospital discharge paperwork, etc., he started to come around and get with the program. Until then, I just kind of had to go it alone and not worry about what he thought, what HE felt I should do, etc. My standard response became "Anytime you think you can handle this better, be my guest." We've also had our share of "professionals" who weren't helpful, resisted giving referrals, etc. In a period of 3 or 4 years, we went through a half a dozen psychiatrists and I couldn't tell you how many tdocs. I got so tired of hearing "we don't think his issues warrant xyz" (whatever I was requesting.) It got to the point where I laid all my cards on the table as soon as a new professional was brought on. It was very simple. If I request a particular test, evaluation, consult, referral, whatever, you have two choices: 1) give me what I ask for, if for no other reason than to ease my own mind or 2) you're fired. Period. Those were the only options. It got to the point that I just refused to work with anyone who wouldn't truly, honestly, help me, my son, and my family. I just didn't need to bang my head against any more brick walls. I didn't care if that made me unpopular, or unpleasant to deal with, or basically got me labeled as "that" parent. Heck, I once fired a psychiatrist simply because when I brought up a suggestion made by a therapist, his response was "yeah, everyone thinks they're a psychiatrist." Do what? Um, excuse me, but if you can't work as part of this team without getting your PhD feathers ruffled, then...in the words of Donald Trump - YOU'RE FIRED! (He wasn't doing anything except seeing difficult child 2 for 15 minutes once a month to write rxs - no referrals, no testing, just a medication dispenser, so he wasn't much use as it was.) I was even prepared to travel 2.5 hours each way to take difficult child 2 to docs in Atlanta, if that's what we had to do to get him the best care - so long as everyone involved in his case would work as a team. (I had a house full of resistant difficult children - I sure didn't need resistant professionals to boot.) Be "that" parent - the thorn in their side, pit bull, PIA parent. If some professional gives you some lame "it will only cause problems" b.s., remind them that withholding professional services for fear of rocking the boat is no way to manage the care of their patient. After all, their job is to get difficult child the care he needs, not act as marriage counselor or ostrich (head in the sand.) What professional in their right mind would promote that kind of denial? It would be the same as telling my father he shouldn't go to the cardiologist to have his heart evaluated because it might cause problems/arguements for the rest of the family. It makes no sense. Their responsibility is to your son's medical care, not your marriage or relationship with your ex. Having a complete evaluation done helps figure out what you're dealing with, how to approach it, and how to best overcome it. I would think that would be far better than allowing everyone to keep stumbling around in the dark. Oh, I better get down off my soapbox on this one. I could rant and rave for days. lol. :) On the swearing front, I don't know how well this might help, but we found it helpful - in varying degrees - for all 3 of my difficult children for various behaviors. A therapist once suggested a poker chip system. First, each of my kids got to design and decorate their own "chip jar." (We used large canning jars and paint pens - the idea of having them personalize it themselves is to get them invested in the idea, even if resentfully, at first.) We targeted specific goals/behaviors, 1 at a time. Each time they were "caught" doing something right (cleaning their room, taking a shower without a fit, not using bad language when frustrated, etc.) they got to put a chip in the jar. If they broke the rule/didn't follow instructions/whatever, they had to take a chip out. At the end of each week, they got to "cash in" their chips for extra privileges, a particular outing, or cash - their choice. The key, according to our therapist, was to have THEM put their chips in and take them out. Have THEM handle everything - even deciding when something warrants getting or losing a chip (to an extent, of course.) The more you can do to help them learn to "own" their choices and get them invested in the concept, the more successful it will be. In our case, the chip system worked for minor problems (like calling each other nasty names, fighting over things instead of compromising, etc.) It didn't work for bigger problems like difficult child 2's rages, because he didn't have as much choice or control over those behaviors as a really young kid. We established rules in the beginning like one or two warnings before losing a chip. As they progressed, we'd drop the warnings down to only one, then no warnings. When they were allowed warnings, all I was supposed to do was say "that's your second warning. What happens if this happens again, now?" It made the whole helping them decide when they lost a chip a whole lot easier on me. They had a clear understanding of expectations, so they knew when they were about to lose a chip, they could either be more mindful, or lose it - their choice. If they lost it, they knew it before I even said anything. In fact, difficult child 2, being the strict "rules are rules" concrete thinker he was, didn't even require a reminder. He'd just go take out a chip. lol. difficult child 1, on the other hand, would argue until she lost all her chips, half the toys in her room, all electronic privileges, and spent the rest of the day in her room, sulking. lol. It took a lot longer to make progress with her. It's an idea, anyway. At least it gives you something to present to the teacher as a thought - something to start off the brainstorming process. Even if it's just a note sent home once a week stating there were/weren't any problems that week. A good note = chips. A bad note = lose chips. At one point, we actually had a notebook that stayed in difficult child 1's bookbag. Each teacher, daycare worker, and I all wrote notes for the day in it - even if it was something as simple as "uneventful day." It really helped keep communications open. If she had a bad day at school, the folks at daycare knew about it, and when I picked her up, so did I. If she had a good day, we all knew. If something of concern happened, I signed by the note to indicate to the teacher/daycare personnel that I had read it. At one point, we all even listed any consequences given for a particular behavior so others could choose to follow along with it when reasonable. (Ex. if she lost TV privileges at home, the folks at daycare wouldn't let her watch movies there either - she had to go to another room and do something else instead.) It did WONDERS for consistency for her, not to mention, she knew we all knew everything, so there were no openings for manipulating on her part. Big hugs for you, hon. I know how hard this can be. It's easy for me to sit here, on the other side of the storm, and rattle off ideas that might or might not work. Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel - really. You'll get 1001 suggestions on how to address this behavior or that, whether here or elsewhere. Some of them may work for awhile, some of them not at all. The trick is to just keep trying. Have as many tools at the ready as you can muster. While you're trying one thing, keep listening and looking for more ideas to try next if the current one doesn't work. It helps, if for no other reason that to help you feel more prepared and ready for whatever comes next. [/QUOTE]
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