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Intro Post, Question about Swearing in School
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 392643" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I like the jar idea, Hex, but not taking chips back out. Certainly not at the moment. For a kid with anxiety issues and poor self-esteem issues, especially one with swearing problems, you cannot risk that jar being empty. You also need to make it clear - rewards once earned, stay earned. If you must, have a separate jar for the swearing and then help him compare the results. With a swear jar, I would not use it as a basis for punishment (seriously, I would not punish this) because he's already dealing with natural consequences - no friends. But not punishing it doesn't mean not dealing with it.</p><p></p><p>What I suggest - involve him in the problem. "Son, you are swearing too much for other people's comfort. It is not good, other people lose respect for you when you swear. Some people who don't know us well also lose respect for the rest of your family; they think, 'what sort of family does this child come from, that they allow him to swear like this? What sort of language does this boy listen to in his home?' It's not good for you, it's not good for me. I also don't like hearing it, it makes me sad to hear those words come out of your mouth. Now, I know it's not easy to break habits, but I want to help. Let's see what we can do to find another way around this problem."</p><p></p><p>As for where he is hearing this - that needs to be addressed. Two likely places, other than the adults in his life (not always where it comes from) are computer games, and other kids. difficult child 3 got into trouble at school for calling a kid some very nasty words, when it was the kid being called names who had first used those words at difficult child 3. I quickly addressed this with the teacher who was trying to blame me for letting difficult child 3 use such language! I told her, very clearly, that difficult child 3 had learned those words in her classroom and not my home, and furthermore, he had been the one to have those words applied to him first. And she had not dealt with that at the time, and difficult child 3 using those words now, were HER consequences. But swear words once learned are very hard to unlearn.</p><p></p><p>Something to take into account here with swearing - it is scientifically proven that if you swear when you hit your thumb with a hammer, that you cope with the pain better. Swearing increases your tolerance to pain. Which makes me wonder - is his swearing a form of emotional pain management? If so, then he needs added help dealing with his anxiety and emotional distress. I know you're already doing as much as you can, but you have already said, it's not enough. His anger and anxiety issues are going to make him more prone to swearing.</p><p>Another question - call this cultural differences. But what is he saying, that is considered swearing? I know when my sis-in-law spent a year in the US as an exchange student, she was a nice girl who did not swear. But some of the words that came out of her mouth horrified her host families, because words that are acceptable here in Australia are considered really bad swearing in the US. SImilarly, there are words that people easily use in the US that horrify us here. So sometimes there can be cultural issues.</p><p></p><p>Also to consider - he may really need to swear, to ease his pain. But he can teach himself to use an innocuous word as a swear word. "OK son, I know you need to swear. But how about we find some really good words for you to use instead? It can be done - and it can be fun!"</p><p>Some really good choices, are words form other languages. They also need not be swear words in their own language. The analgesic effect comes from your own mind and the association in your own mind, with a forbidden word being used. "Strong" words make us feel better. So what we have to do, is find other, more acceptable, strong words. Swearing is also a form of self-expression, of telling other people, "I hurt tis much." This could also account for the analgesic effect (if you believe you have shared information about your pain level in one effective four letter expletive).</p><p></p><p>I used to shout "sugar!" if I hurt myself. I remember shouting it vehemently one day at our church in the vestry in front of the minister. I had not said a bad word, but he could tell, from the vehemence with which I said it, that I was THINKING bad words. I got a lecture. A certain brand of soft drink that also starts with the "sh-" sound is another effective substitute. Yes, that sh word is a banned word in our culture (less so these days). Extremely verboten.</p><p></p><p>Language to choose words from - Germanic. Scandinavian. Slavic. Yiddish. They simply feel better in the mouth, even if they don't mean anything nasty. I've been told by those who are appropriately multilingual that the best language in the world in which to swear, is Yugoslav.</p><p></p><p>In a person with anxiety, anger and concentration/attention issues, you CANNOT stop compulsive behaviour, especially if there is any component of it being a coping strategy (however inappropriate). The person needs a coping strategy first and foremost. So if their current coping strategy is inappropriate, first help them put a better one in place. Work with the person in this, do not punish. This is therapy, not discipline. Reminders, replacement (of technique), rehearsal, removal from a situation if necessary, as well as quiet place to go and simply be, when things get too difficult - these help in the meantime. Next - try the substitution method. Sit with him and make a list of good words to use instead. Go through them and practice using them as swear words. Make a fun game of it, almost joking. "OK, let's pretend I've hit my thumb with a hammer. How about this one? 'tchuss!' Any good, do you think?" Let him make the final choice, and help him practice using that word. Whenever he uses an unacceptable word, make him swear again - with the acceptable word. Coach and encourage.</p><p></p><p>I know it seems bizarre to teach your child to swear, but if he's going to swear anyway (and he will) then he can swear using words which people are less likely to find offensive, but which still help his pain.</p><p></p><p>As for the teacher - I suspect she also is concerned at his lack of friends and the way it is being reported, and her strategy is to try to stop the swearing, to make it easier for him to make friends. When you meet with her, take along the suggestions form here and discuss them with her. See what she thinks. Always give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, that the person really wants to help your child. Even if the teacher has another agenda, if you assume the best, you will get off on the right foot and be a team from the start. And in my experience, even when I've had to deal with teachers who I felt had my child pegged wrong and who were hostile to him or me, I still worked hard to keep a good working relationship, for the sake of my child.</p><p></p><p>I would suggest a communication book to travel between you and the teacher. Alternatively, daily emails updating one another. It would make it easier for you to tag-team with whatever your son needs, to feel better about himself, to cope better with his anger and anxiety and to begin to value himself as a worthwhile person.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 392643, member: 1991"] I like the jar idea, Hex, but not taking chips back out. Certainly not at the moment. For a kid with anxiety issues and poor self-esteem issues, especially one with swearing problems, you cannot risk that jar being empty. You also need to make it clear - rewards once earned, stay earned. If you must, have a separate jar for the swearing and then help him compare the results. With a swear jar, I would not use it as a basis for punishment (seriously, I would not punish this) because he's already dealing with natural consequences - no friends. But not punishing it doesn't mean not dealing with it. What I suggest - involve him in the problem. "Son, you are swearing too much for other people's comfort. It is not good, other people lose respect for you when you swear. Some people who don't know us well also lose respect for the rest of your family; they think, 'what sort of family does this child come from, that they allow him to swear like this? What sort of language does this boy listen to in his home?' It's not good for you, it's not good for me. I also don't like hearing it, it makes me sad to hear those words come out of your mouth. Now, I know it's not easy to break habits, but I want to help. Let's see what we can do to find another way around this problem." As for where he is hearing this - that needs to be addressed. Two likely places, other than the adults in his life (not always where it comes from) are computer games, and other kids. difficult child 3 got into trouble at school for calling a kid some very nasty words, when it was the kid being called names who had first used those words at difficult child 3. I quickly addressed this with the teacher who was trying to blame me for letting difficult child 3 use such language! I told her, very clearly, that difficult child 3 had learned those words in her classroom and not my home, and furthermore, he had been the one to have those words applied to him first. And she had not dealt with that at the time, and difficult child 3 using those words now, were HER consequences. But swear words once learned are very hard to unlearn. Something to take into account here with swearing - it is scientifically proven that if you swear when you hit your thumb with a hammer, that you cope with the pain better. Swearing increases your tolerance to pain. Which makes me wonder - is his swearing a form of emotional pain management? If so, then he needs added help dealing with his anxiety and emotional distress. I know you're already doing as much as you can, but you have already said, it's not enough. His anger and anxiety issues are going to make him more prone to swearing. Another question - call this cultural differences. But what is he saying, that is considered swearing? I know when my sis-in-law spent a year in the US as an exchange student, she was a nice girl who did not swear. But some of the words that came out of her mouth horrified her host families, because words that are acceptable here in Australia are considered really bad swearing in the US. SImilarly, there are words that people easily use in the US that horrify us here. So sometimes there can be cultural issues. Also to consider - he may really need to swear, to ease his pain. But he can teach himself to use an innocuous word as a swear word. "OK son, I know you need to swear. But how about we find some really good words for you to use instead? It can be done - and it can be fun!" Some really good choices, are words form other languages. They also need not be swear words in their own language. The analgesic effect comes from your own mind and the association in your own mind, with a forbidden word being used. "Strong" words make us feel better. So what we have to do, is find other, more acceptable, strong words. Swearing is also a form of self-expression, of telling other people, "I hurt tis much." This could also account for the analgesic effect (if you believe you have shared information about your pain level in one effective four letter expletive). I used to shout "sugar!" if I hurt myself. I remember shouting it vehemently one day at our church in the vestry in front of the minister. I had not said a bad word, but he could tell, from the vehemence with which I said it, that I was THINKING bad words. I got a lecture. A certain brand of soft drink that also starts with the "sh-" sound is another effective substitute. Yes, that sh word is a banned word in our culture (less so these days). Extremely verboten. Language to choose words from - Germanic. Scandinavian. Slavic. Yiddish. They simply feel better in the mouth, even if they don't mean anything nasty. I've been told by those who are appropriately multilingual that the best language in the world in which to swear, is Yugoslav. In a person with anxiety, anger and concentration/attention issues, you CANNOT stop compulsive behaviour, especially if there is any component of it being a coping strategy (however inappropriate). The person needs a coping strategy first and foremost. So if their current coping strategy is inappropriate, first help them put a better one in place. Work with the person in this, do not punish. This is therapy, not discipline. Reminders, replacement (of technique), rehearsal, removal from a situation if necessary, as well as quiet place to go and simply be, when things get too difficult - these help in the meantime. Next - try the substitution method. Sit with him and make a list of good words to use instead. Go through them and practice using them as swear words. Make a fun game of it, almost joking. "OK, let's pretend I've hit my thumb with a hammer. How about this one? 'tchuss!' Any good, do you think?" Let him make the final choice, and help him practice using that word. Whenever he uses an unacceptable word, make him swear again - with the acceptable word. Coach and encourage. I know it seems bizarre to teach your child to swear, but if he's going to swear anyway (and he will) then he can swear using words which people are less likely to find offensive, but which still help his pain. As for the teacher - I suspect she also is concerned at his lack of friends and the way it is being reported, and her strategy is to try to stop the swearing, to make it easier for him to make friends. When you meet with her, take along the suggestions form here and discuss them with her. See what she thinks. Always give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, that the person really wants to help your child. Even if the teacher has another agenda, if you assume the best, you will get off on the right foot and be a team from the start. And in my experience, even when I've had to deal with teachers who I felt had my child pegged wrong and who were hostile to him or me, I still worked hard to keep a good working relationship, for the sake of my child. I would suggest a communication book to travel between you and the teacher. Alternatively, daily emails updating one another. It would make it easier for you to tag-team with whatever your son needs, to feel better about himself, to cope better with his anger and anxiety and to begin to value himself as a worthwhile person. Marg [/QUOTE]
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