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Introducing Fred
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 380783" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>At some level this needs to be sorted out, you all as a unit. You could get a professional, you could simply have a family meeting and try to work out where it's coming from (at the meeting, do not 'bite' when he is disrespectful, instead focus on the main issue and do not let him deflect you). Or you could get a friend you trust, a church elder or similar person, perhaps someone Fred respects as impartial but also someone you and Rev respect, to referee. You need conflict resolution and a chance for Fred to feel heard, as well as a chance for Fred to hear what you and Rev both need to make clear. </p><p></p><p>Something has got up Fred's nose and you need to find out what, and why, as a priority.</p><p></p><p>When I desperately needed help and we needed family counselling (back when difficult child 3 was only a toddler) I found the professionals were not much use at all, although I did what I could with them. The best help came from a church leader who had been delegated to work in the community as a counsellor. The whole community (the village) had people with PTSD, everyone was suffering and this counsellor came in daily for free to see people as needed. He didn't fix things for us; he just got us to a point where we could take it form there. He got us started. It was about all he could do, it was like mental meatball surgery, a la M*A*S*H*.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes you need to think outside the square.</p><p></p><p>Maybe when you are trying to set this up, ask Fred whose opinion he would value, as a referee at such a meeting. If Fred begins to object to this, point out that he has clearly staed he has a problem with you, and you want to find out what is upsetting him so you can try to chance what is wrong. If he then tries to backpedal to say, "Nothing is wrong," then you can call him on it. But I think a big part of the problem is likely to be "familiarity breeds contempt" - you, the mother, are closer to him on a daily basis, and we ALL tend to disrespect the familiar, to not value it as much as we should.</p><p></p><p>We live in a beautiful place. Our kids, however, never liked living here. It was too far away from their friends. Transport was a problem with the last boat home at sunset. No late night parties. This village is "a hole", they kept complaining.</p><p>Then they left home to study, or just to move away, and now they realise how much they love the place. Their partners want to come visit. Their friends, when they were younger, would visit and exclaim how lucky we are to live here.</p><p>Familiarity breeds contempt. We also tend to take for granted, those things we actually really love, but the things that also make us feel secure. We can take the risk of being rude when we know we will be forgiven for it.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 380783, member: 1991"] At some level this needs to be sorted out, you all as a unit. You could get a professional, you could simply have a family meeting and try to work out where it's coming from (at the meeting, do not 'bite' when he is disrespectful, instead focus on the main issue and do not let him deflect you). Or you could get a friend you trust, a church elder or similar person, perhaps someone Fred respects as impartial but also someone you and Rev respect, to referee. You need conflict resolution and a chance for Fred to feel heard, as well as a chance for Fred to hear what you and Rev both need to make clear. Something has got up Fred's nose and you need to find out what, and why, as a priority. When I desperately needed help and we needed family counselling (back when difficult child 3 was only a toddler) I found the professionals were not much use at all, although I did what I could with them. The best help came from a church leader who had been delegated to work in the community as a counsellor. The whole community (the village) had people with PTSD, everyone was suffering and this counsellor came in daily for free to see people as needed. He didn't fix things for us; he just got us to a point where we could take it form there. He got us started. It was about all he could do, it was like mental meatball surgery, a la M*A*S*H*. Sometimes you need to think outside the square. Maybe when you are trying to set this up, ask Fred whose opinion he would value, as a referee at such a meeting. If Fred begins to object to this, point out that he has clearly staed he has a problem with you, and you want to find out what is upsetting him so you can try to chance what is wrong. If he then tries to backpedal to say, "Nothing is wrong," then you can call him on it. But I think a big part of the problem is likely to be "familiarity breeds contempt" - you, the mother, are closer to him on a daily basis, and we ALL tend to disrespect the familiar, to not value it as much as we should. We live in a beautiful place. Our kids, however, never liked living here. It was too far away from their friends. Transport was a problem with the last boat home at sunset. No late night parties. This village is "a hole", they kept complaining. Then they left home to study, or just to move away, and now they realise how much they love the place. Their partners want to come visit. Their friends, when they were younger, would visit and exclaim how lucky we are to live here. Familiarity breeds contempt. We also tend to take for granted, those things we actually really love, but the things that also make us feel secure. We can take the risk of being rude when we know we will be forgiven for it. Marg [/QUOTE]
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