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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 681093" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I would add to Annie's beautiful definition that part of our task is to learn to love and to forgive ourselves. Once we begin to see ourselves and our challenges clearly, we begin modeling healthy personhood for our kids. </p><p></p><p>And everything changes.</p><p></p><p>As difficult as these years will have been for us, our children will need to know how to see themselves acting in their worlds in strong, healthy ways.</p><p></p><p>That is the best gift we can give them.</p><p></p><p>We are learning to differentiate between the correctness of identifying and taking responsibility for the ways we did parent (and hindsight is always twenty freaking twenty) and blaming or condemning ourselves for not having been perfect. Perfect enough to know what we had no way of knowing, at the time decisions needed to be made.</p><p></p><p>We need to stop doing that to ourselves. </p><p></p><p>Loving our children and ourselves through everything we have all been through is a kind of miracle, when you think about it.</p><p></p><p>But here we are.</p><p></p><p>Loving our children and ourselves when the neighbors and the families and the school systems are affixing labels or making sly comments into the deadly silence that seems to have fallen around us...how did we do that. Where did we learn that kind of strength and commitment and integrity.</p><p></p><p>But we are here.</p><p></p><p>We need to remind ourselves of these good things, and share that strength, and those hard won self-concepts, with one another, too.</p><p></p><p>The fact is that we may be better parents than those parents whose children came through without a hitch. It took me the longest time to understand that. We are not those parents casually mentioning our latest triumph so everyone can know how wonderful our children are. We are doing what we do without peer support or reward. We are making such hard choices on so little information.</p><p></p><p>Our children that we love are challenging every parenting technique we know or have been able to learn...but here we are. </p><p></p><p>I felt so badly about myself for so long. I blamed myself and was without mercy for myself, and was ashamed. Finding this site has helped me let go of those ways of seeing. </p><p></p><p>This is an important piece of who we are, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 681093, member: 17461"] I would add to Annie's beautiful definition that part of our task is to learn to love and to forgive ourselves. Once we begin to see ourselves and our challenges clearly, we begin modeling healthy personhood for our kids. And everything changes. As difficult as these years will have been for us, our children will need to know how to see themselves acting in their worlds in strong, healthy ways. That is the best gift we can give them. We are learning to differentiate between the correctness of identifying and taking responsibility for the ways we did parent (and hindsight is always twenty freaking twenty) and blaming or condemning ourselves for not having been perfect. Perfect enough to know what we had no way of knowing, at the time decisions needed to be made. We need to stop doing that to ourselves. Loving our children and ourselves through everything we have all been through is a kind of miracle, when you think about it. But here we are. Loving our children and ourselves when the neighbors and the families and the school systems are affixing labels or making sly comments into the deadly silence that seems to have fallen around us...how did we do that. Where did we learn that kind of strength and commitment and integrity. But we are here. We need to remind ourselves of these good things, and share that strength, and those hard won self-concepts, with one another, too. The fact is that we may be better parents than those parents whose children came through without a hitch. It took me the longest time to understand that. We are not those parents casually mentioning our latest triumph so everyone can know how wonderful our children are. We are doing what we do without peer support or reward. We are making such hard choices on so little information. Our children that we love are challenging every parenting technique we know or have been able to learn...but here we are. I felt so badly about myself for so long. I blamed myself and was without mercy for myself, and was ashamed. Finding this site has helped me let go of those ways of seeing. This is an important piece of who we are, too. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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