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Is anyone here parent to an adult child with Asperger's/roleplaying addiction?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 605446" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Goomer, welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself struggling with your daughter's choices. Being a parent under the circumstances you state is very difficult.</p><p></p><p>I have a 40 year old daughter who is quite similar to your daughter. Had enormous potential, extremely high IQ, exceedingly bright in all honors classes in school with little or no effort, appeared at that time to be headed to great success in whatever she chose. Once the real world kicked in, she did not fare so well. </p><p></p><p>I also have a sister who has been diagnosed with Aspergers and Bi-polar and a few other things. Similar M.O. Brilliant with many issues.</p><p></p><p>My daughter, like your daughter plays a lot of games and excels at them. However in real life, she has no job, has no intention of getting a job and finds people who will support her without her paying for anything.</p><p></p><p>My sister, on the other hand, completed graduate school, became an artist, manages her issues as well as can be expected and has become somewhat successful, although lacks social skills, she found ways to compensate.</p><p></p><p>I raised both my sister and my daughter, so I am familiar with what you're talking about.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is 27. If she lives with you, you may want to rethink that and look into eviction. Unless she is willing to make changes in her lifestyle, there is NOTHING you can do. If she lives with you, research eviction because in some states you have to have a court order even if the person being evicted is your own child. This may sound harsh, but at this point, all you are doing is enabling her, IF she is living with you.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. My experience, similar to yours, is that right now what you need to do is focus on YOU and the rest of your family. For me what that meant was putting all my effort into getting over my own enabling patterns and stopping MY behaviors that kept my daughter and I enmeshed in a negative and unhealthy pattern. I changed immensely. She didn't change at all. I had to recognize how powerless I really am to enact change in anyone else. That was a huge process of detachment.</p><p></p><p>I got myself into a codependency program at a huge HMO which lasted 22 months. I just this week completed it. It changed my life. The program had a monthly meeting with a therapist and weekly therapist run support groups where we learned tools to detach. I also attended CODA 12 step meetings, read a lot of books, kept posting on this site and really listened to what others further a long on the detachment path had to say. I contacted NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness and talked to Social workers there. I learned a lot there too. They offer support groups for parents which are very, very helpful. You can contact them online, they have chapters everywhere. NAMI assisted me in getting together resources which my daughter could have used for getting on either Social Security or disability (giving her an income), receiving therapy, medical insurance, housing, education, medication....even massage and healing opportunities. I set it all up........she ignored it all and threw that away too. You can find out what the options are for your daughter as well. And, you will have to let go if she decides to not do anything to help herself.</p><p></p><p>The main goal is to stop enabling your daughter in whatever ways you do. That is not helpful for you or for her. At her age there is little you can do about her choices until or unless she decides to change and ask for your help. Until then, which may or may not happen, you must concentrate on YOUR own life and find ways to fulfill yourself, find your joy and have peace of mind. For me that meant putting all my energy into myself and seeking the support I needed to change so I could let go of my daughter and <em><strong>accept ALL that I cannot change.</strong></em> It is quite a process, she is my only child, it was difficult, which is why I always advocate getting professional help.</p><p></p><p>All that potential your daughter had is so hard for us to let go of, but the truth is we have no control over it. I am so saddened by the choices my daughter has made and what she in essence threw away, but there is nothing I can do about it, regardless of what her issues are, whether she is mentally ill, lazy, feels superior to to others or whatever, she is who she is and I have had to accept it. </p><p></p><p>I feel bad for you, I know how hard this is and how much it hurts, believe me. But you can either pine away for the life your daughter could have had, stay stuck in your sadness and anger or you can move on and recognize exactly what you can do and what you cannot do, what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do..............and move forward and enjoy your life. This is one of the most challenging things we parents can face and yet there is nothing you can do.......................keep posting it helps, seek support, focus on YOU, nurture yourself, do what YOU love and choose joy. I am so sorry you find yourself here, but you can find acceptance which is the ultimate goal.............to accept what you cannot change.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 605446, member: 13542"] Goomer, welcome. I'm sorry you find yourself struggling with your daughter's choices. Being a parent under the circumstances you state is very difficult. I have a 40 year old daughter who is quite similar to your daughter. Had enormous potential, extremely high IQ, exceedingly bright in all honors classes in school with little or no effort, appeared at that time to be headed to great success in whatever she chose. Once the real world kicked in, she did not fare so well. I also have a sister who has been diagnosed with Aspergers and Bi-polar and a few other things. Similar M.O. Brilliant with many issues. My daughter, like your daughter plays a lot of games and excels at them. However in real life, she has no job, has no intention of getting a job and finds people who will support her without her paying for anything. My sister, on the other hand, completed graduate school, became an artist, manages her issues as well as can be expected and has become somewhat successful, although lacks social skills, she found ways to compensate. I raised both my sister and my daughter, so I am familiar with what you're talking about. Your daughter is 27. If she lives with you, you may want to rethink that and look into eviction. Unless she is willing to make changes in her lifestyle, there is NOTHING you can do. If she lives with you, research eviction because in some states you have to have a court order even if the person being evicted is your own child. This may sound harsh, but at this point, all you are doing is enabling her, IF she is living with you. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. My experience, similar to yours, is that right now what you need to do is focus on YOU and the rest of your family. For me what that meant was putting all my effort into getting over my own enabling patterns and stopping MY behaviors that kept my daughter and I enmeshed in a negative and unhealthy pattern. I changed immensely. She didn't change at all. I had to recognize how powerless I really am to enact change in anyone else. That was a huge process of detachment. I got myself into a codependency program at a huge HMO which lasted 22 months. I just this week completed it. It changed my life. The program had a monthly meeting with a therapist and weekly therapist run support groups where we learned tools to detach. I also attended CODA 12 step meetings, read a lot of books, kept posting on this site and really listened to what others further a long on the detachment path had to say. I contacted NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness and talked to Social workers there. I learned a lot there too. They offer support groups for parents which are very, very helpful. You can contact them online, they have chapters everywhere. NAMI assisted me in getting together resources which my daughter could have used for getting on either Social Security or disability (giving her an income), receiving therapy, medical insurance, housing, education, medication....even massage and healing opportunities. I set it all up........she ignored it all and threw that away too. You can find out what the options are for your daughter as well. And, you will have to let go if she decides to not do anything to help herself. The main goal is to stop enabling your daughter in whatever ways you do. That is not helpful for you or for her. At her age there is little you can do about her choices until or unless she decides to change and ask for your help. Until then, which may or may not happen, you must concentrate on YOUR own life and find ways to fulfill yourself, find your joy and have peace of mind. For me that meant putting all my energy into myself and seeking the support I needed to change so I could let go of my daughter and [I][B]accept ALL that I cannot change.[/B][/I] It is quite a process, she is my only child, it was difficult, which is why I always advocate getting professional help. All that potential your daughter had is so hard for us to let go of, but the truth is we have no control over it. I am so saddened by the choices my daughter has made and what she in essence threw away, but there is nothing I can do about it, regardless of what her issues are, whether she is mentally ill, lazy, feels superior to to others or whatever, she is who she is and I have had to accept it. I feel bad for you, I know how hard this is and how much it hurts, believe me. But you can either pine away for the life your daughter could have had, stay stuck in your sadness and anger or you can move on and recognize exactly what you can do and what you cannot do, what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do..............and move forward and enjoy your life. This is one of the most challenging things we parents can face and yet there is nothing you can do.......................keep posting it helps, seek support, focus on YOU, nurture yourself, do what YOU love and choose joy. I am so sorry you find yourself here, but you can find acceptance which is the ultimate goal.............to accept what you cannot change. [/QUOTE]
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Is anyone here parent to an adult child with Asperger's/roleplaying addiction?
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