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Is anyone here parent to an adult child with Asperger's/roleplaying addiction?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 605598" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>To answer your question about how does it make me feel...........now I don't really exert too much energy about what my daughter does or doesn't do. I used to feel angry and embarrassed, however, as time has gone by and I've changed my own responses and healed some of my own issues, my daughter's behavior doesn't impact my life much. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I do agree that there are many victims out there, I'm not sure if there are more now, but it's a shame for them and for society.</p><p></p><p>To respond to your question, my sister vacillated between being okay and being not okay for many years. She had a number of diagnoses and medications and went around and around with that for awhile. I think the turning point for her came at about age 38 when she had a breakdown and was hospitalized. After that she began putting her life back together her own way. She owned her issues and saw herself as "disabled" which,as an artist, gave her a strong commitment to help other "disabled" artists who she saw as cast out by society. She started organizations to help artists. She has become quite successful in her own creative way. Like you, she rose above her issues, used them to her advantage and became a success.</p><p></p><p>Like your daughter, my daughter acts quite young, often younger then her own daughter who is 17. I believe much of her personality got somehow fixated around age 15. She certainly doesn't act like a 40 year old woman. And, she looks like she's 25 or even younger, so that aids her in some ways.</p><p></p><p>I don't think detachment is about "forgetting difficult child's existence" I think it's more about realistically understanding your powerlessness in enacting change in anyone else's adult life. I think it's about taking the focus off of them and putting it on ourselves. I think it's about recognizing that we are not at fault, we didn't do anything wrong, we didn't cause this and we can't change it. I think it's about accepting what is.</p><p></p><p>Yes, of course I can understand feeling as if we failed as parents. That guilt is a huge part of why many of us can't let go. However, one very important component of therapy for me was understanding the guilt and healing it, letting it go and realizing that the guilt kept me stuck. Releasing that guilt is an important part of being able to detach. </p><p></p><p>Therapy or groups may not be for you, only you can make that call. For me this landscape of difficult child shenanigans, all the feelings associated....... finding out what is necessary to let go......... the remarkable powerlessness........... and finally, learning acceptance of what I couldn't change,<em> required the <strong>BIG</strong> guns.</em> It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.</p><p></p><p>Yes, many of our difficult child's need to hit bottom before they begin to change. And, many just keep hitting a new bottom and don't change. Don't make her changing at any time about anything an expectation or you may set yourself up to be disappointed. Some of our kids just don't surface out of this world they live in.</p><p></p><p>I'm in a similar place as you, my difficult child would need to show some signs of change and moving forward before there would be any support from me. What has been an enormous change for me is that my peace of mind is not dependent on the choices she makes anymore.</p><p></p><p>I'm happy that you have a wonderful husband and a joyful son who makes you happy. And, a step daughter who sounds as if you understand her and you get along well. This is all good to hear. I have a wonderful Significant Other (SO) too, who makes me laugh every day and helped me to go through the hardest year and a half of my life as I detached from my daughter and learned to accept what I can't change.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I have felt <u>a lot</u> of guilt. After my daughter was born was when I realized how much mental illness there is in my family. She inherited the genes from me. I went through great suffering over that. However, with all the therapy I had and the realizations I had, somehow along the way that just went away. I realized I am not to blame. My daughter has free choice and she's making that choice.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I use humor too. It is incredibly healing. My SO and I laugh about a lot of this stuff..........some of it has been pretty absurd. Like my daughter living here awhile back and refusing to live in the house because of our "rules" so she and her 4 cats lived in an enormous green tent parked right outside our back porch. Her daughter, my granddaughter, (who lives with us) 15 at the time, said to me, "OK Grammy, how am I going to explain to my teenage friends that my mother lives in that tent with her cats in the back yard?" SO, Granddaughter and I just cracked up laughing. We laughed about that for months. What else can you do sometimes but laugh???</p><p></p><p>I'm really glad you're here. You are doing all the right things and having all the usual responses. Right on target, for better or for worse...............geez, who among us would choose this path, in a word, it sucks!! But we're here for you, we're like a tribe of wounded warriors holding each other up............keep posting, vent away, get all those yucky feelings out. No one is going to be offended if you want to call your kid a loser, I'm sure we've called our difficult child's LOTS of names, it all comes with the territory. Welcome to our crazy, difficult child world!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 605598, member: 13542"] To answer your question about how does it make me feel...........now I don't really exert too much energy about what my daughter does or doesn't do. I used to feel angry and embarrassed, however, as time has gone by and I've changed my own responses and healed some of my own issues, my daughter's behavior doesn't impact my life much. Yes, I do agree that there are many victims out there, I'm not sure if there are more now, but it's a shame for them and for society. To respond to your question, my sister vacillated between being okay and being not okay for many years. She had a number of diagnoses and medications and went around and around with that for awhile. I think the turning point for her came at about age 38 when she had a breakdown and was hospitalized. After that she began putting her life back together her own way. She owned her issues and saw herself as "disabled" which,as an artist, gave her a strong commitment to help other "disabled" artists who she saw as cast out by society. She started organizations to help artists. She has become quite successful in her own creative way. Like you, she rose above her issues, used them to her advantage and became a success. Like your daughter, my daughter acts quite young, often younger then her own daughter who is 17. I believe much of her personality got somehow fixated around age 15. She certainly doesn't act like a 40 year old woman. And, she looks like she's 25 or even younger, so that aids her in some ways. I don't think detachment is about "forgetting difficult child's existence" I think it's more about realistically understanding your powerlessness in enacting change in anyone else's adult life. I think it's about taking the focus off of them and putting it on ourselves. I think it's about recognizing that we are not at fault, we didn't do anything wrong, we didn't cause this and we can't change it. I think it's about accepting what is. Yes, of course I can understand feeling as if we failed as parents. That guilt is a huge part of why many of us can't let go. However, one very important component of therapy for me was understanding the guilt and healing it, letting it go and realizing that the guilt kept me stuck. Releasing that guilt is an important part of being able to detach. Therapy or groups may not be for you, only you can make that call. For me this landscape of difficult child shenanigans, all the feelings associated....... finding out what is necessary to let go......... the remarkable powerlessness........... and finally, learning acceptance of what I couldn't change,[I] required the [B]BIG[/B] guns.[/I] It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Yes, many of our difficult child's need to hit bottom before they begin to change. And, many just keep hitting a new bottom and don't change. Don't make her changing at any time about anything an expectation or you may set yourself up to be disappointed. Some of our kids just don't surface out of this world they live in. I'm in a similar place as you, my difficult child would need to show some signs of change and moving forward before there would be any support from me. What has been an enormous change for me is that my peace of mind is not dependent on the choices she makes anymore. I'm happy that you have a wonderful husband and a joyful son who makes you happy. And, a step daughter who sounds as if you understand her and you get along well. This is all good to hear. I have a wonderful Significant Other (SO) too, who makes me laugh every day and helped me to go through the hardest year and a half of my life as I detached from my daughter and learned to accept what I can't change. Yes, I have felt [U]a lot[/U] of guilt. After my daughter was born was when I realized how much mental illness there is in my family. She inherited the genes from me. I went through great suffering over that. However, with all the therapy I had and the realizations I had, somehow along the way that just went away. I realized I am not to blame. My daughter has free choice and she's making that choice. Yes, I use humor too. It is incredibly healing. My SO and I laugh about a lot of this stuff..........some of it has been pretty absurd. Like my daughter living here awhile back and refusing to live in the house because of our "rules" so she and her 4 cats lived in an enormous green tent parked right outside our back porch. Her daughter, my granddaughter, (who lives with us) 15 at the time, said to me, "OK Grammy, how am I going to explain to my teenage friends that my mother lives in that tent with her cats in the back yard?" SO, Granddaughter and I just cracked up laughing. We laughed about that for months. What else can you do sometimes but laugh??? I'm really glad you're here. You are doing all the right things and having all the usual responses. Right on target, for better or for worse...............geez, who among us would choose this path, in a word, it sucks!! But we're here for you, we're like a tribe of wounded warriors holding each other up............keep posting, vent away, get all those yucky feelings out. No one is going to be offended if you want to call your kid a loser, I'm sure we've called our difficult child's LOTS of names, it all comes with the territory. Welcome to our crazy, difficult child world! [/QUOTE]
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Is anyone here parent to an adult child with Asperger's/roleplaying addiction?
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