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Is it morally right for us to kick our 19 yo son out of the house?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 575044" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I have not read all the replies. I do think that if you continue to allow him to live in your home you will be doing the WORST POSSIBLE THING that you can do for him. Yes, all caps and everything, I firmly believe this.</p><p></p><p>Your son may be depressed. Or not. YOU do not need to be penalized or afraid in your own home because this man-baby doesn't want to grow up. He only learned to say "water" when you stopped giving him a drink when he said "wa wa". He will ONLY learn to support himself and become an adult when you stop caring for his needs. He has it GREAT at your home. No responsibilities, no penalties really for not doing what he should, no school to attend, no job to go to, all day to do what he wants. Wouldn't YOU like that? I bet your parents didn't let you have this for an option, and their parents didn't give it to them as a choice either. Why is it a choice for your son? </p><p></p><p>Consider the letter a formal eviction notice. On the move out day, change the locks and put his stuff outside. </p><p></p><p>Will this be hard? YES. </p><p></p><p>Will he be furious? YES.</p><p></p><p>Does this need to happen? YES.</p><p></p><p>Why?</p><p></p><p>You are enabling him to be a perpetual child. It is preventing him from growing. He clearly feels he knows best how to handle everything, and that it is somehow beneath him to work because his father makes more money. His father did NOT make more money when he was difficult child's age, and he sure as sugar didn't make more money by sitting on his tushie soaking up his parents' money to support a freeloading lifestyle of drinking and drugging and only doing what he wants. </p><p></p><p>He really NEEDS to have the responsibility for putting a roof over his head, food on his table, a phone in his ear, and a car to take him around all put back on HIS shoulders. He is an adult. It is time for him to start being an adult.</p><p></p><p>I don't really CARE if there are pay phones. He can go buy a phone for ten or twenty bucks and buy his own minutes. I have gone to the city (an hour away, where my doctor is for a chronic condition) without my phone and had zero trouble asking to borrow someone's phone. I always offer to pay, and no one has ever said no to me. Businesses are also willing to let you borrow a phone if you ask. So phones are NOT mandatory regardless of how inconvenient it is to not have one. </p><p></p><p>DO NOT give him the car. Take the keys away today, pull the spark plug wires so he cannot take it if he tries to hotwire it, and stop paying his insurance. He can WALK or get a cheap bike and ride. Cars are LUXURIES and if you refuse to work, you don't need one. He has PROVEN he will not do anything to help the family, so let him figure out his own way. Yes, it might be a couple of miles to where he wants to go, but he has feet and they WILL take him there, it just takes a little while to get there. If he wants a car, he can earn some $$ and purchase his own.</p><p></p><p>By keeping him at home because he is 'depressed', you are allowing him to wallow in that depression and not do anything about it. If he is truly depressed, the therapist he is to see will be able to help him with that. If he insists that he knows better than you, let him go out into the world and show you that he does. Call his bluff. Allow him the opportunity to show you how much more he knows about the world than you and husband know by allowing him to go and live on his skills and knowledge and abilites. After all, isn't he telling you that he is better/smarter than you when he refuses to do what you ask/suggest/order? Accept his word that he does know better, and give him the opportunity to prove it to you by throwing him out.</p><p></p><p>It really doesn't matter what the therapist says, you have to know that perpetuating this lifestyle of his is wrong. Deep down, that is what your gut instincts are telling you. If the therapist says otherwise, let him go live with her on her dime. See what she says after that. You have given him an entire year plus some months after his 18th birthday, and it is time for him to recognize that his 'gap year' is over and it is time to either be an adult or go live in a shelter or under a bridge. He can just walk to the shelters if he needs help, he doesn't need a phone or car to do that. </p><p></p><p>I know it will be hard, and he will tug on your heart telling you he is broke, hungry, cold, etc.... Don't buy into it. Tell him you have faith that he can figure out how to solve those problems, that you know he is smarter than you are (even if he isn't) and you are sure that he will prove how smart he is by solving those problems on his own. Look at this as giving him the chance to prove that he really IS as smart as he says he is. </p><p></p><p>I can see setting him up for a month in a room somewhere. NOT a nice apartment, just a room. It doesn't matter what hardships he has gone through wth the move, or depression. Life is still going to continue to happen, and he is still going to continue to have to cope with it one way or another.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 575044, member: 1233"] I have not read all the replies. I do think that if you continue to allow him to live in your home you will be doing the WORST POSSIBLE THING that you can do for him. Yes, all caps and everything, I firmly believe this. Your son may be depressed. Or not. YOU do not need to be penalized or afraid in your own home because this man-baby doesn't want to grow up. He only learned to say "water" when you stopped giving him a drink when he said "wa wa". He will ONLY learn to support himself and become an adult when you stop caring for his needs. He has it GREAT at your home. No responsibilities, no penalties really for not doing what he should, no school to attend, no job to go to, all day to do what he wants. Wouldn't YOU like that? I bet your parents didn't let you have this for an option, and their parents didn't give it to them as a choice either. Why is it a choice for your son? Consider the letter a formal eviction notice. On the move out day, change the locks and put his stuff outside. Will this be hard? YES. Will he be furious? YES. Does this need to happen? YES. Why? You are enabling him to be a perpetual child. It is preventing him from growing. He clearly feels he knows best how to handle everything, and that it is somehow beneath him to work because his father makes more money. His father did NOT make more money when he was difficult child's age, and he sure as sugar didn't make more money by sitting on his tushie soaking up his parents' money to support a freeloading lifestyle of drinking and drugging and only doing what he wants. He really NEEDS to have the responsibility for putting a roof over his head, food on his table, a phone in his ear, and a car to take him around all put back on HIS shoulders. He is an adult. It is time for him to start being an adult. I don't really CARE if there are pay phones. He can go buy a phone for ten or twenty bucks and buy his own minutes. I have gone to the city (an hour away, where my doctor is for a chronic condition) without my phone and had zero trouble asking to borrow someone's phone. I always offer to pay, and no one has ever said no to me. Businesses are also willing to let you borrow a phone if you ask. So phones are NOT mandatory regardless of how inconvenient it is to not have one. DO NOT give him the car. Take the keys away today, pull the spark plug wires so he cannot take it if he tries to hotwire it, and stop paying his insurance. He can WALK or get a cheap bike and ride. Cars are LUXURIES and if you refuse to work, you don't need one. He has PROVEN he will not do anything to help the family, so let him figure out his own way. Yes, it might be a couple of miles to where he wants to go, but he has feet and they WILL take him there, it just takes a little while to get there. If he wants a car, he can earn some $$ and purchase his own. By keeping him at home because he is 'depressed', you are allowing him to wallow in that depression and not do anything about it. If he is truly depressed, the therapist he is to see will be able to help him with that. If he insists that he knows better than you, let him go out into the world and show you that he does. Call his bluff. Allow him the opportunity to show you how much more he knows about the world than you and husband know by allowing him to go and live on his skills and knowledge and abilites. After all, isn't he telling you that he is better/smarter than you when he refuses to do what you ask/suggest/order? Accept his word that he does know better, and give him the opportunity to prove it to you by throwing him out. It really doesn't matter what the therapist says, you have to know that perpetuating this lifestyle of his is wrong. Deep down, that is what your gut instincts are telling you. If the therapist says otherwise, let him go live with her on her dime. See what she says after that. You have given him an entire year plus some months after his 18th birthday, and it is time for him to recognize that his 'gap year' is over and it is time to either be an adult or go live in a shelter or under a bridge. He can just walk to the shelters if he needs help, he doesn't need a phone or car to do that. I know it will be hard, and he will tug on your heart telling you he is broke, hungry, cold, etc.... Don't buy into it. Tell him you have faith that he can figure out how to solve those problems, that you know he is smarter than you are (even if he isn't) and you are sure that he will prove how smart he is by solving those problems on his own. Look at this as giving him the chance to prove that he really IS as smart as he says he is. I can see setting him up for a month in a room somewhere. NOT a nice apartment, just a room. It doesn't matter what hardships he has gone through wth the move, or depression. Life is still going to continue to happen, and he is still going to continue to have to cope with it one way or another. [/QUOTE]
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Is it morally right for us to kick our 19 yo son out of the house?
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