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Is that where you learned to bite?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 354970" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We actually found that with SIL2 when he moved in. It's partly cultural - people from his part of Sydney are very working class and feel it keenly, even though the rest of the country doesn't give a rat's. But THEY have this "You all think we're inferior" chip on their collective shoulders (well, some of them do) and he had an attitude of "I have to prove I'm smarter than they are" all the time. He would brag constantly, and would make sweeping statements about stuff we knew wasn't true. We liked the guy, plus he was the love chosen by our daughter, so we had to find a way to accept him (and live with him!). </p><p></p><p>What we did - every time he made a statement such as, "It's not really X, it's just Y in disguise," we would say, "Oh, I didn't know that. I'd like to know more - let's go look it up."</p><p></p><p>And we would go look it up and check it out, then report back. "Well, you were close, and thank you for mentioning it because it made me go look it up; I found it very interesting. But the real story is..."</p><p></p><p>That way it wasn't us showing him up. If anything, it was the collective knowledge of the world. He learned that we have no problem about admitting we don't know something. He also learned that it's good to check things out for yourself before simply repeating what someone else has told you. And when we met his father, we understood where it came from. I like his father, but he has a HUGE need to prove himself to you and to lie if he has to, to do it. Very sad, because he really doesn't have to prove anything to me. I like a person if they're genuine, and kind, and caring. I get put off if they're fake. Not just fake to me, but fake to themselves.</p><p></p><p>SIL2 these days is great. He has learned to ask questions (and it's no shame to) and also to check things out for himself. As a result, he is learning (which we all should do) and has a chance of lifting himself out of the mud wallow the former attitude had dug for him.</p><p></p><p>We saw similar things with SIL1 (his whole birth city has a chip on their shoulder, very similar - equally unnecessary). Interestingly, SIL1 & easy child moved back to his home city for 18 months and couldn't get out of there fast enough. He's learned there is a lot more to living than grumbling about everyone else keeping you down.</p><p></p><p>It all comes down to people trying to prove something that really doesn't need to be proved. And if you reject these people, it perpetuates the problem. But if you accept what they do, it also risks allowing the problem to continue because you have enabled it.</p><p></p><p>We need to find a balance, so we need to keep a door open for people like this, but on our terms.</p><p></p><p>Andy, I think you're doing this the same way I would.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 354970, member: 1991"] We actually found that with SIL2 when he moved in. It's partly cultural - people from his part of Sydney are very working class and feel it keenly, even though the rest of the country doesn't give a rat's. But THEY have this "You all think we're inferior" chip on their collective shoulders (well, some of them do) and he had an attitude of "I have to prove I'm smarter than they are" all the time. He would brag constantly, and would make sweeping statements about stuff we knew wasn't true. We liked the guy, plus he was the love chosen by our daughter, so we had to find a way to accept him (and live with him!). What we did - every time he made a statement such as, "It's not really X, it's just Y in disguise," we would say, "Oh, I didn't know that. I'd like to know more - let's go look it up." And we would go look it up and check it out, then report back. "Well, you were close, and thank you for mentioning it because it made me go look it up; I found it very interesting. But the real story is..." That way it wasn't us showing him up. If anything, it was the collective knowledge of the world. He learned that we have no problem about admitting we don't know something. He also learned that it's good to check things out for yourself before simply repeating what someone else has told you. And when we met his father, we understood where it came from. I like his father, but he has a HUGE need to prove himself to you and to lie if he has to, to do it. Very sad, because he really doesn't have to prove anything to me. I like a person if they're genuine, and kind, and caring. I get put off if they're fake. Not just fake to me, but fake to themselves. SIL2 these days is great. He has learned to ask questions (and it's no shame to) and also to check things out for himself. As a result, he is learning (which we all should do) and has a chance of lifting himself out of the mud wallow the former attitude had dug for him. We saw similar things with SIL1 (his whole birth city has a chip on their shoulder, very similar - equally unnecessary). Interestingly, SIL1 & easy child moved back to his home city for 18 months and couldn't get out of there fast enough. He's learned there is a lot more to living than grumbling about everyone else keeping you down. It all comes down to people trying to prove something that really doesn't need to be proved. And if you reject these people, it perpetuates the problem. But if you accept what they do, it also risks allowing the problem to continue because you have enabled it. We need to find a balance, so we need to keep a door open for people like this, but on our terms. Andy, I think you're doing this the same way I would. Marg [/QUOTE]
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