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General Parenting
Is there sanity at the end of the tunneL?
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 236844" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>Welcome!</p><p></p><p>I would recommend for you to read, "The Manipulative Child" (I borrowed a copy from the local library). It gives some insight on what is going on with this behavior and some tools to work through it. The main thing I learned is not to fuel the fire. The manipulator will change subjects until you no longer have an answer (or until you give in to what they want.). Always keep the focus on the issue. An example:</p><p>"Mom, I am going to my friend's house after school tomorrow. I'll be home for supper."</p><p>"You can not go to your friend's house you need to be home to get your homework done."</p><p>"I am sure I will not have homework"</p><p>"You need to come home."</p><p>"That's not fair."</p><p>"You need to come home." (always stay calm and matter of fact.)</p><p>"But so and so always gets to go to places after school."</p><p>"You need to come home." (don't explain how so and so has different rules or your difficult child will find something in that to form an excuse)</p><p>"I can do my homework after supper."</p><p>"You need to come home."</p><p>No arguing each excuse, just keep the focus on the schedule you have set up. Bring him back to that original issue. </p><p></p><p>You do not need to explain every excuse, your son needs to respect the family rules without questions. That doesn't mean you never let plans be changed, but it is really about his attitude toward your rules right now. My kids love to push every button and manipulate life to be the way they want it to be. I mistakenly gave them a little too much power with my attitude of, "If you can figure out how to do it, you may." Instead of making them independent, I enabled the manipulation.</p><p></p><p>Then, continue to search for a cause. My difficult child's psychiatrist told us that true ODD is diagnosed at a very early age, kids don't just get it at age 10. My difficult child's ODD was linked to deep anxiety. It was considered ODD Characteristics. I do notice that as his anxiety rises, so does the ODD characteristics.</p><p></p><p>I hope you have a good evening tonight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 236844, member: 5096"] Welcome! I would recommend for you to read, "The Manipulative Child" (I borrowed a copy from the local library). It gives some insight on what is going on with this behavior and some tools to work through it. The main thing I learned is not to fuel the fire. The manipulator will change subjects until you no longer have an answer (or until you give in to what they want.). Always keep the focus on the issue. An example: "Mom, I am going to my friend's house after school tomorrow. I'll be home for supper." "You can not go to your friend's house you need to be home to get your homework done." "I am sure I will not have homework" "You need to come home." "That's not fair." "You need to come home." (always stay calm and matter of fact.) "But so and so always gets to go to places after school." "You need to come home." (don't explain how so and so has different rules or your difficult child will find something in that to form an excuse) "I can do my homework after supper." "You need to come home." No arguing each excuse, just keep the focus on the schedule you have set up. Bring him back to that original issue. You do not need to explain every excuse, your son needs to respect the family rules without questions. That doesn't mean you never let plans be changed, but it is really about his attitude toward your rules right now. My kids love to push every button and manipulate life to be the way they want it to be. I mistakenly gave them a little too much power with my attitude of, "If you can figure out how to do it, you may." Instead of making them independent, I enabled the manipulation. Then, continue to search for a cause. My difficult child's psychiatrist told us that true ODD is diagnosed at a very early age, kids don't just get it at age 10. My difficult child's ODD was linked to deep anxiety. It was considered ODD Characteristics. I do notice that as his anxiety rises, so does the ODD characteristics. I hope you have a good evening tonight. [/QUOTE]
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