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Substance Abuse
Is this something that you shouldn't do
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741521" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Of course your concern is about him. </p><p></p><p>I think what smithmom means is something else:</p><p></p><p>I think that I experience my son's distress and circumstances in terms of my own pain.</p><p></p><p>I need him to be OK so that I can feel OK.</p><p></p><p>His well-being is important in itself, in that I love him. But I identify with him. And this is not good.</p><p></p><p>I need him to be OK so that I can feel OK about myself. So that I believe I have been a good mother and a good person, and to feel I have lived a good life, with a good result. In that sense I am dependent upon him. And this is not good for him or for me.</p><p></p><p>On a deeper level I am trying to ward off feelings that I am not OK. These are my own feelings to own.</p><p></p><p>On some level when he is out there I feel I am at risk. That I am damaged. If he is in distress and when he says he is damaged and he will never get better and does not protect himself, I panic because this triggers my own fears of these very same things in myself, that I have run from for almost all of my life.</p><p> </p><p>If I try to make this go away, by seeing it as about my son, I am taking away my son's opportunity to learn his own life and truth. I am also handling my own pain in such a way that I can never understand it and deal with it. It is a lose-lose.</p><p></p><p>What smithmom is trying to say is this: to be whole, autonomous, authentic and independent people we have to feel, to carry our own pain and deal with it. As mothers we tend to get very enmeshed with our children. This is a reality. A fact of life. Not a judgement. What detachment means is recognizing that we can little by little begin to own and to claim our selves that have been lost in relationship.</p><p></p><p>There is great opportunity in understanding parenting in this way. Because it gives us control over our own lives. And it gives our children, the responsibility and control over their own. Nobody is criticizing here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741521, member: 18958"] Of course your concern is about him. I think what smithmom means is something else: I think that I experience my son's distress and circumstances in terms of my own pain. I need him to be OK so that I can feel OK. His well-being is important in itself, in that I love him. But I identify with him. And this is not good. I need him to be OK so that I can feel OK about myself. So that I believe I have been a good mother and a good person, and to feel I have lived a good life, with a good result. In that sense I am dependent upon him. And this is not good for him or for me. On a deeper level I am trying to ward off feelings that I am not OK. These are my own feelings to own. On some level when he is out there I feel I am at risk. That I am damaged. If he is in distress and when he says he is damaged and he will never get better and does not protect himself, I panic because this triggers my own fears of these very same things in myself, that I have run from for almost all of my life. If I try to make this go away, by seeing it as about my son, I am taking away my son's opportunity to learn his own life and truth. I am also handling my own pain in such a way that I can never understand it and deal with it. It is a lose-lose. What smithmom is trying to say is this: to be whole, autonomous, authentic and independent people we have to feel, to carry our own pain and deal with it. As mothers we tend to get very enmeshed with our children. This is a reality. A fact of life. Not a judgement. What detachment means is recognizing that we can little by little begin to own and to claim our selves that have been lost in relationship. There is great opportunity in understanding parenting in this way. Because it gives us control over our own lives. And it gives our children, the responsibility and control over their own. Nobody is criticizing here. [/QUOTE]
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