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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740144" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This sounds exactly like my son and me. Before he came back to my town last time, there was a very similar apartment scenario. He had been living in an abandoned car parked in front of a Kentucky Fried Chicken which he was sharing with a meth addict deaf man. </p><p></p><p>My son J, actually, had no qualms. I did. His best friend did. He said the car was horrible. Like a drug addict car. So the friend had another friend who needed a roommate. Very, very high rent area. My son needed $300 for a deposit, and $700 for his half of the rent. I paid a good portion of this. For the exact and very same reasons you did. I could not bear how he was living. </p><p></p><p>The situation lasted one month. In that month there was an altercation with the landlord. The other tenants were afraid of him. My son? Completely clueless about why he had to leave. I did everything, right Mom. I was polite. I cleaned up. Everything. Mom.</p><p></p><p>My son is always a victim of circumstance.</p><p></p><p>When I rescue him, I am learning I really am rescuing myself.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately for us. The only things that teach them are direct circumstances. As in suffering. We cannot take away their suffering. With this we take away their learning. You know all of this.</p><p></p><p>What you cannot bear, what I cannot bear, is my own suffering. For them. </p><p></p><p>Yes. It will be cold. I have read here on this forum many times. I think SWOT says it, who has the longest institutional memory here. That she had not read of one child who died from the cold. They find a way to survive. They do what it takes. (Unfortunately, I have read of mentally ill people dying from the cold. But your son sounds like somebody with a lot of smarts. In some areas. He can solve this.)</p><p></p><p>There are prisoners that are dumped off at the side of the road. They survive. And some even thrive. There are undocumented people who arrive with nothing. They survive. Our sons will find a way. They must.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile he is 3 weeks, at least, to solve this, and longer if he chooses to fight it. In my state tenants rights gives tenants time to fight through an eviction process. The problem with that for my own son is that no matter how many times I tell him to not just fork over the cash, to get a receipt or pay with a cashiers check, he ignores me. So like in the last situation they never return the deposit, because there is never any proof.</p><p></p><p>Oh. I do not know how we bear this. But I do know this. He cannot come to where you are. At least I hope not. There is work. Here in my state they are 33 percent short in agricultural workers. There is day labor. There are Alaskan Fisheries. There are the shale oil fields. There is work. </p><p></p><p>There are homeless shelters, rescue missions, sober living homes for indigents, Salvation Army, Teen Adult Challenge and Victory Outreach. Each of these could be options if he chooses.</p><p></p><p>We need to recognize when we do for them we do it to take away the horrible feelings in us. When I do it, there is a selfishness in that, I have come to see. I am taking away his opportunity to rise to the challenges of his own life. And I am coming to see that I am denying myself the opportunity to meet my own challenges, dealing with my own life with honesty and courage and integrity.</p><p></p><p>Elsi. You are in your own TIE ME TO THE MAST waters. We are here together on this boat. Together we will not be lured by the Sirens to crash onto the rocks. We tie each other to the mast. </p><p></p><p>You can help him again. I did so many, many times. Most likely, I will do so again. But the bad straits of our sons' live are theirs to maneuver. My son has never ever benefited from my support, in the years since he left home. Every time I help him, it is like something for him to stumble over. Because it is not his true life.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what will be the outcome for my son or for yours. But I do know that they will prevail. Just as you write. The learning here is just what you say: It is always something. They are doing it. Their way. When we create paths or next steps or openings, they ALWAYS make sure very quickly to find a way to divert themselves. Because those steps are NEVER the ones they really wish to take. Even if they mouth the words with their lips and we hear them clearly, they are not their own words. Their true words are the ones they take with their feet.</p><p></p><p>My own son could not believe I was going to pay his rent. He did not WANT the $700 room. He did not want the commitment. He did not appreciate it, really. And sure enough the whole deal unraveled instantly. He always prevails. As he should. </p><p></p><p>I am finally getting it.</p><p></p><p>Can I bear it? No.</p><p></p><p>I am very, very sorry for this disappointment. It was sooner or later. And given that winter is coming, better now. He can deal. There is time to get to Florida. Or leave the country. Is he on parole? I guess he can't. But that is what I would do. I would go somewhere English speaking is at a premium, and it costs $50 to $100 a month to live. But that's me. </p><p></p><p>That makes me sad. Or maybe it doesn't. I got sad because I thought about how lucky it is to have a sense of adventure. And the confidence we will survive. The resistance to dependency.</p><p></p><p>But I could look at the other side of the coin: Maybe they do have a sense of adventure. Maybe this is WHY they live this way. That there is a thrill. On the trail.</p><p></p><p>The wow is for me, when they call us. It is for public consumption. But secretly they are cowboys. On the trail. Oh. I am sure there is suffering. Let us try to not make it ours.</p><p></p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740144, member: 18958"] This sounds exactly like my son and me. Before he came back to my town last time, there was a very similar apartment scenario. He had been living in an abandoned car parked in front of a Kentucky Fried Chicken which he was sharing with a meth addict deaf man. My son J, actually, had no qualms. I did. His best friend did. He said the car was horrible. Like a drug addict car. So the friend had another friend who needed a roommate. Very, very high rent area. My son needed $300 for a deposit, and $700 for his half of the rent. I paid a good portion of this. For the exact and very same reasons you did. I could not bear how he was living. The situation lasted one month. In that month there was an altercation with the landlord. The other tenants were afraid of him. My son? Completely clueless about why he had to leave. I did everything, right Mom. I was polite. I cleaned up. Everything. Mom. My son is always a victim of circumstance. When I rescue him, I am learning I really am rescuing myself. Unfortunately for us. The only things that teach them are direct circumstances. As in suffering. We cannot take away their suffering. With this we take away their learning. You know all of this. What you cannot bear, what I cannot bear, is my own suffering. For them. Yes. It will be cold. I have read here on this forum many times. I think SWOT says it, who has the longest institutional memory here. That she had not read of one child who died from the cold. They find a way to survive. They do what it takes. (Unfortunately, I have read of mentally ill people dying from the cold. But your son sounds like somebody with a lot of smarts. In some areas. He can solve this.) There are prisoners that are dumped off at the side of the road. They survive. And some even thrive. There are undocumented people who arrive with nothing. They survive. Our sons will find a way. They must. Meanwhile he is 3 weeks, at least, to solve this, and longer if he chooses to fight it. In my state tenants rights gives tenants time to fight through an eviction process. The problem with that for my own son is that no matter how many times I tell him to not just fork over the cash, to get a receipt or pay with a cashiers check, he ignores me. So like in the last situation they never return the deposit, because there is never any proof. Oh. I do not know how we bear this. But I do know this. He cannot come to where you are. At least I hope not. There is work. Here in my state they are 33 percent short in agricultural workers. There is day labor. There are Alaskan Fisheries. There are the shale oil fields. There is work. There are homeless shelters, rescue missions, sober living homes for indigents, Salvation Army, Teen Adult Challenge and Victory Outreach. Each of these could be options if he chooses. We need to recognize when we do for them we do it to take away the horrible feelings in us. When I do it, there is a selfishness in that, I have come to see. I am taking away his opportunity to rise to the challenges of his own life. And I am coming to see that I am denying myself the opportunity to meet my own challenges, dealing with my own life with honesty and courage and integrity. Elsi. You are in your own TIE ME TO THE MAST waters. We are here together on this boat. Together we will not be lured by the Sirens to crash onto the rocks. We tie each other to the mast. You can help him again. I did so many, many times. Most likely, I will do so again. But the bad straits of our sons' live are theirs to maneuver. My son has never ever benefited from my support, in the years since he left home. Every time I help him, it is like something for him to stumble over. Because it is not his true life. I do not know what will be the outcome for my son or for yours. But I do know that they will prevail. Just as you write. The learning here is just what you say: It is always something. They are doing it. Their way. When we create paths or next steps or openings, they ALWAYS make sure very quickly to find a way to divert themselves. Because those steps are NEVER the ones they really wish to take. Even if they mouth the words with their lips and we hear them clearly, they are not their own words. Their true words are the ones they take with their feet. My own son could not believe I was going to pay his rent. He did not WANT the $700 room. He did not want the commitment. He did not appreciate it, really. And sure enough the whole deal unraveled instantly. He always prevails. As he should. I am finally getting it. Can I bear it? No. I am very, very sorry for this disappointment. It was sooner or later. And given that winter is coming, better now. He can deal. There is time to get to Florida. Or leave the country. Is he on parole? I guess he can't. But that is what I would do. I would go somewhere English speaking is at a premium, and it costs $50 to $100 a month to live. But that's me. That makes me sad. Or maybe it doesn't. I got sad because I thought about how lucky it is to have a sense of adventure. And the confidence we will survive. The resistance to dependency. But I could look at the other side of the coin: Maybe they do have a sense of adventure. Maybe this is WHY they live this way. That there is a thrill. On the trail. The wow is for me, when they call us. It is for public consumption. But secretly they are cowboys. On the trail. Oh. I am sure there is suffering. Let us try to not make it ours. Take care. [/QUOTE]
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