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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740149" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think Tanya is our model in this. But I don't think she got angry. I think it was more like with me. She may have gotten ill, and realized what were the real consequences of staying in the mix with her son.</p><p></p><p>That is really the right word. The mix. Like the mixer. Or the blender. We end up in little chunks if we are lucky, but more likely pulverized. There is no staying in the mix and staying whole. </p><p></p><p>I am reading a WWI novel. And basically it is about various ways to die: am I dead shot down from an airplane; or am I dead in a trench on the western front; am I dead because my boat has been bombed; you get the drift.</p><p></p><p>There is no way out for us, except Tanya's way. To live her life apart from her child. Remember how she wrote it, she left a 1 percent chance that he might change. But her default was: she knew how the story could end. Like those men in ww1. And that way, she could live. She did not make her son's life contingent on her own. Or her life contingent upon his.</p><p></p><p>This is the fatal mistake. To believe we can save them when we cannot.</p><p></p><p>I would give my life for my son's without thinking. I almost did. I did not help him. </p><p></p><p>Which brings me back to where Elsi began, to paraphrase: <em>I will feel better if I sacrifice myself. I have the space. I have the heart. I can help him.</em> And this is exactly the tack I took for several years. It did not work.</p><p></p><p>In his mind he never bought in. Oh. It worked some if we were vigilant jailers, but the minute we laid off for a minute, he was himself. And himself was indifferent to anything except the moment. </p><p></p><p>I don't see how you bring your son home to paradise. Would you not be sacrificing your partner and your relationship? I know your son sounds like a sweet and vulnerable man. But face it, would you as a couple be able to sustain this?</p><p></p><p>To continue to entertain the idea that you could do this, should do this--when you know the real truth--is self-abuse. That is the only way I can think of it. You are punishing yourself. And It is wrong. You do not deserve it.</p><p></p><p>You have received the unfiltered me. I took a pill to sleep 45 minutes ago, and have been half asleep through it all. Hope I did not go off on a wild goose chase.</p><p></p><p>Do you not deserve some safety and some peace and some contentment?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740149, member: 18958"] I think Tanya is our model in this. But I don't think she got angry. I think it was more like with me. She may have gotten ill, and realized what were the real consequences of staying in the mix with her son. That is really the right word. The mix. Like the mixer. Or the blender. We end up in little chunks if we are lucky, but more likely pulverized. There is no staying in the mix and staying whole. I am reading a WWI novel. And basically it is about various ways to die: am I dead shot down from an airplane; or am I dead in a trench on the western front; am I dead because my boat has been bombed; you get the drift. There is no way out for us, except Tanya's way. To live her life apart from her child. Remember how she wrote it, she left a 1 percent chance that he might change. But her default was: she knew how the story could end. Like those men in ww1. And that way, she could live. She did not make her son's life contingent on her own. Or her life contingent upon his. This is the fatal mistake. To believe we can save them when we cannot. I would give my life for my son's without thinking. I almost did. I did not help him. Which brings me back to where Elsi began, to paraphrase: [I]I will feel better if I sacrifice myself. I have the space. I have the heart. I can help him.[/I] And this is exactly the tack I took for several years. It did not work. In his mind he never bought in. Oh. It worked some if we were vigilant jailers, but the minute we laid off for a minute, he was himself. And himself was indifferent to anything except the moment. I don't see how you bring your son home to paradise. Would you not be sacrificing your partner and your relationship? I know your son sounds like a sweet and vulnerable man. But face it, would you as a couple be able to sustain this? To continue to entertain the idea that you could do this, should do this--when you know the real truth--is self-abuse. That is the only way I can think of it. You are punishing yourself. And It is wrong. You do not deserve it. You have received the unfiltered me. I took a pill to sleep 45 minutes ago, and have been half asleep through it all. Hope I did not go off on a wild goose chase. Do you not deserve some safety and some peace and some contentment? [/QUOTE]
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