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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740240" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Thank you. Tanya. I've really been struggling, because on some level I know my need to work, the length of the drive into the city, my poor night driving ability, and all of the other more practical reasons I haven't gone down are just excuses. I could get down there. I freelance - I could drive down in the daytime and make up my work at night. I'm my own boss, I set my own schedule, as long as I hit my client deadlines. If E were hit by a car, even though she's 2 hours away now, I'd find a way to get up there and be with her. I can take a laptop, work in a hospital. I've done it before. </p><p></p><p>The real reason I haven't gone to see him is I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll get sucked further into drama and dysfunction. That his problems will become mine to solve. That he will be looking to me for help through this, and when I am there in person with him and looking in his eyes and seeing his pain I won't be able to say no. I'll start problem solving. Where will you live after your eviction? What are you going to do about work? What do you need to make it work? How can I help you? Here, take my money. Here, take my heart. Here, take my life and everything I've worked for. Use it all up until there is nothing left. </p><p></p><p>And I can't do it. I know that's not the answer. I can only love him from a distance, because if I get too close he will drag me under with him. It's like being in a little rowboat and having a fish on the line that weighs twice as much as you. You're never going to be able to pull it into the boat. All you can do is cut the line, before it drags you under. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I remember this when I am strong. And then I forget it again when I'm weak. Because I still see the little boy in those eyes. The little boy I couldn't save or adequately protect. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Trying very hard to turn off 24 Hour Mother Disaster News today. Diving into a complex work project for the rest of the day. And turning off my phone. That helps. At least I know he's in a clean warm bed and getting fed while he's at the hospital, so he's all right for today, right? And if he's not worried about his tomorrow, how can I be? I can't take more responsibility for his future than he does. </p><p></p><p>Sigh. And the beat goes on. Lah di dah di dah.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740240, member: 23349"] Thank you. Tanya. I've really been struggling, because on some level I know my need to work, the length of the drive into the city, my poor night driving ability, and all of the other more practical reasons I haven't gone down are just excuses. I could get down there. I freelance - I could drive down in the daytime and make up my work at night. I'm my own boss, I set my own schedule, as long as I hit my client deadlines. If E were hit by a car, even though she's 2 hours away now, I'd find a way to get up there and be with her. I can take a laptop, work in a hospital. I've done it before. The real reason I haven't gone to see him is I'm afraid. Afraid that I'll get sucked further into drama and dysfunction. That his problems will become mine to solve. That he will be looking to me for help through this, and when I am there in person with him and looking in his eyes and seeing his pain I won't be able to say no. I'll start problem solving. Where will you live after your eviction? What are you going to do about work? What do you need to make it work? How can I help you? Here, take my money. Here, take my heart. Here, take my life and everything I've worked for. Use it all up until there is nothing left. And I can't do it. I know that's not the answer. I can only love him from a distance, because if I get too close he will drag me under with him. It's like being in a little rowboat and having a fish on the line that weighs twice as much as you. You're never going to be able to pull it into the boat. All you can do is cut the line, before it drags you under. I remember this when I am strong. And then I forget it again when I'm weak. Because I still see the little boy in those eyes. The little boy I couldn't save or adequately protect. Trying very hard to turn off 24 Hour Mother Disaster News today. Diving into a complex work project for the rest of the day. And turning off my phone. That helps. At least I know he's in a clean warm bed and getting fed while he's at the hospital, so he's all right for today, right? And if he's not worried about his tomorrow, how can I be? I can't take more responsibility for his future than he does. Sigh. And the beat goes on. Lah di dah di dah. [/QUOTE]
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