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It’s me struggling again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Deni D" data-source="post: 750361" data-attributes="member: 22840"><p>JayPee, just because you take sh$$ from someone doesn't mean you deserve it. I've had to tell myself that often. </p><p></p><p>Backing away from abuse is difficult. Your son is emotionally and financially abusing you, it is what it is. For me it kind of felt, still does at times, like I've given up, wasn't able to make things work, failed. I would think maybe there's just this one more bit of advice he will actually listen to, maybe he really is going to get a job and keep it, maybe he really will start to take care of himself. It took me a very long time to realize I was not helping my son to help himself even though that was my intention. He wasn't helping himself, other than helping himself to my sanity and finances so I would be the one rescuing him when he made things worse for himself. </p><p></p><p></p><p>My son was after that job too whenever he wanted money from me. </p><p></p><p></p><p>And here it is. Okay mom if you won't do what I want I'm going to make things worse for myself and then what are you going to do? Strikes terror in your heart, doesn't it? It's designed to. When you are at the point where he is making things worse for himself and blaming you for it know any help from you is fruitless. Even someone with very limited capacity to work would get a job instead risking what is the roof over their head. But someone who feels confident they are entitled and will be rescued because in their minds after all "it's all your fault" is in desperate need of a reality check. </p><p></p><p>My son did similar things, actually sold his car for spending money because he wouldn't work and mistakenly thought I was going to have to provide transportation for him to get to a job or just give him money to live on. He's not in a much better situation today mentally. But he is working, with very little time between jobs now, so different from when I was footing the bill. He also has a car someone sold him on payments, which he pays for as far as I know. And a roof over his head he somehow manages to keep. I am under no illusion that he's not taking advantage of people with his sob story of his fictional up-dragging but I'm not footing the bill while he abuses me anymore. He's very angry and has been nothing but nasty with me on the few occasions he's been able to get to me but I'm moving past that now too. He's been warned one more nasty gram from him and I'm going to get a restraining order. I am now at no contact with him. I'm telling you this because you need to prepare yourself going into this with the idea of self preservation, not for turning you son around. It's up to him if he turns himself around or not. I still struggle with the realization my son may never get help for himself and get out of his delusional thinking. But I do accept there's not one thing I can do about it. </p><p></p><p>I think the Al Anon is great idea. This is hard stuff to deal with. I know the overwhelming worry, minute by minute, checking the phone, feeling like you are flying with out a net anxiety ridden existence. </p><p></p><p>I didn't go cold turkey with removing the help for my son. He was no less surprised by it but he was given a chance to do for himself if he choose to take it. He did not. So maybe, just for you, for when he comes at you with the abandonment accusations, removing your help for him with a plan will make you feel better. </p><p></p><p>I hope you have something you can do to get your mind off of the hamster wheel and get a little peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deni D, post: 750361, member: 22840"] JayPee, just because you take sh$$ from someone doesn't mean you deserve it. I've had to tell myself that often. Backing away from abuse is difficult. Your son is emotionally and financially abusing you, it is what it is. For me it kind of felt, still does at times, like I've given up, wasn't able to make things work, failed. I would think maybe there's just this one more bit of advice he will actually listen to, maybe he really is going to get a job and keep it, maybe he really will start to take care of himself. It took me a very long time to realize I was not helping my son to help himself even though that was my intention. He wasn't helping himself, other than helping himself to my sanity and finances so I would be the one rescuing him when he made things worse for himself. My son was after that job too whenever he wanted money from me. And here it is. Okay mom if you won't do what I want I'm going to make things worse for myself and then what are you going to do? Strikes terror in your heart, doesn't it? It's designed to. When you are at the point where he is making things worse for himself and blaming you for it know any help from you is fruitless. Even someone with very limited capacity to work would get a job instead risking what is the roof over their head. But someone who feels confident they are entitled and will be rescued because in their minds after all "it's all your fault" is in desperate need of a reality check. My son did similar things, actually sold his car for spending money because he wouldn't work and mistakenly thought I was going to have to provide transportation for him to get to a job or just give him money to live on. He's not in a much better situation today mentally. But he is working, with very little time between jobs now, so different from when I was footing the bill. He also has a car someone sold him on payments, which he pays for as far as I know. And a roof over his head he somehow manages to keep. I am under no illusion that he's not taking advantage of people with his sob story of his fictional up-dragging but I'm not footing the bill while he abuses me anymore. He's very angry and has been nothing but nasty with me on the few occasions he's been able to get to me but I'm moving past that now too. He's been warned one more nasty gram from him and I'm going to get a restraining order. I am now at no contact with him. I'm telling you this because you need to prepare yourself going into this with the idea of self preservation, not for turning you son around. It's up to him if he turns himself around or not. I still struggle with the realization my son may never get help for himself and get out of his delusional thinking. But I do accept there's not one thing I can do about it. I think the Al Anon is great idea. This is hard stuff to deal with. I know the overwhelming worry, minute by minute, checking the phone, feeling like you are flying with out a net anxiety ridden existence. I didn't go cold turkey with removing the help for my son. He was no less surprised by it but he was given a chance to do for himself if he choose to take it. He did not. So maybe, just for you, for when he comes at you with the abandonment accusations, removing your help for him with a plan will make you feel better. I hope you have something you can do to get your mind off of the hamster wheel and get a little peace. [/QUOTE]
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