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Parent Emeritus
It Just Keeps Getting Worse
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 651675" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm guessing you'll hear from Difficult Child as soon as she is in trouble.</p><p></p><p>We write beautiful letters from the heart and they either don't read them, don't "get" them, don't give a crapola or contact us anyway and keep abusing us. They don't think right. It is up to us to keep the boundaries safe for us and to follow through on what we say.</p><p></p><p>Let's face it, WearyMom, you already have no meaningful relationship with your daughter. All she does is ask for stuff and abuse you and you are put on the defensive and have to listen to her say things to you that nobody should say to anyone, especially somebody whom they know loves them. A relationship between a mom and grown child that is a REAL relationship is mutually satisfying, full of hugs, and trust. Sometimes our college daughter will text and ask if she can use Dad's credit card to go out to eat with her friends. She always checks in. She is such a good kid. We never say no. And we visit her and she introduces us to her friends who are dressed in normal clothes (not black goth and they have all showered and they are all warm and friendly)...and now they call me "mom."</p><p></p><p>My daughter made sure she was there for my surgery even though I asked her not to come. </p><p></p><p>We go out to lunch together.Being 18 and introspective I don't learn much about the inner workings of her life, but we do share ideas and like to watch sports together. There is no abuse at all.</p><p></p><p>This is but one example of a normal adult-adult child relationship that is normal.</p><p></p><p>What you have your with your daughter is not a relationship. You are her doormat, her ATM, and her nasty venting machine. Whether you talk to her or not, she has a lot of work to do in order to know how to have a real relationship with you. </p><p></p><p>I have one adult child who talks to me like yours does when he is under stress and I refuse to talk to him when he does that. He is ok at other times, but he is possessed when under stress. I don't care if he is stressed. I don't care HOW stressed he is. I am certainly willing to let him vent, but I will not allow him to swear at me (end of conversation), yell at me (end of conversation), direct nasty names at me (end of conversation), make monetary demands (end of conversation) or abuse me in any way. I'm done being abused by anybody, even my son. </p><p></p><p>Setting boundaries has worked well and we have more and more good conversations that have us both actually LAUGHING and having fun (I find this a miracle) and less times when he calls me a deal breaker name that ends our contact for a while per my own rules. </p><p></p><p>I do have an adult child who I call Goneboy. He left and never came back and I didn't hear from him for eight years and counting. The situation, however, is different. He was adopted at age sic and I really believe he did not bond with us enough. None of my other kids, all who were adopted very young and my one biological son, have ever cut me off. Your daughter will be around. When you hear why she is calling you may wish she hadn't ;/</p><p></p><p>I would read the book "Boundaries" By Cloud and Townsend. Although it is a Christian book, and I do not know if you have any religion, this book is helpful in the non-religious parts to ANYBODY. It is very sensible and helped me A LOT. Please don't disregard this book for any reason. You will feel better once you read it and you will have more clarity on what to do for your daughter and for yourself. You can get it anywhere. I ordered it off Amazon. Very helpful read. Gave me some direction when I was flailing.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart. It WILL turn out ok. We are ALL survivors here and so are you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 651675, member: 1550"] I'm guessing you'll hear from Difficult Child as soon as she is in trouble. We write beautiful letters from the heart and they either don't read them, don't "get" them, don't give a crapola or contact us anyway and keep abusing us. They don't think right. It is up to us to keep the boundaries safe for us and to follow through on what we say. Let's face it, WearyMom, you already have no meaningful relationship with your daughter. All she does is ask for stuff and abuse you and you are put on the defensive and have to listen to her say things to you that nobody should say to anyone, especially somebody whom they know loves them. A relationship between a mom and grown child that is a REAL relationship is mutually satisfying, full of hugs, and trust. Sometimes our college daughter will text and ask if she can use Dad's credit card to go out to eat with her friends. She always checks in. She is such a good kid. We never say no. And we visit her and she introduces us to her friends who are dressed in normal clothes (not black goth and they have all showered and they are all warm and friendly)...and now they call me "mom." My daughter made sure she was there for my surgery even though I asked her not to come. We go out to lunch together.Being 18 and introspective I don't learn much about the inner workings of her life, but we do share ideas and like to watch sports together. There is no abuse at all. This is but one example of a normal adult-adult child relationship that is normal. What you have your with your daughter is not a relationship. You are her doormat, her ATM, and her nasty venting machine. Whether you talk to her or not, she has a lot of work to do in order to know how to have a real relationship with you. I have one adult child who talks to me like yours does when he is under stress and I refuse to talk to him when he does that. He is ok at other times, but he is possessed when under stress. I don't care if he is stressed. I don't care HOW stressed he is. I am certainly willing to let him vent, but I will not allow him to swear at me (end of conversation), yell at me (end of conversation), direct nasty names at me (end of conversation), make monetary demands (end of conversation) or abuse me in any way. I'm done being abused by anybody, even my son. Setting boundaries has worked well and we have more and more good conversations that have us both actually LAUGHING and having fun (I find this a miracle) and less times when he calls me a deal breaker name that ends our contact for a while per my own rules. I do have an adult child who I call Goneboy. He left and never came back and I didn't hear from him for eight years and counting. The situation, however, is different. He was adopted at age sic and I really believe he did not bond with us enough. None of my other kids, all who were adopted very young and my one biological son, have ever cut me off. Your daughter will be around. When you hear why she is calling you may wish she hadn't ;/ I would read the book "Boundaries" By Cloud and Townsend. Although it is a Christian book, and I do not know if you have any religion, this book is helpful in the non-religious parts to ANYBODY. It is very sensible and helped me A LOT. Please don't disregard this book for any reason. You will feel better once you read it and you will have more clarity on what to do for your daughter and for yourself. You can get it anywhere. I ordered it off Amazon. Very helpful read. Gave me some direction when I was flailing. Hugs for your hurting heart. It WILL turn out ok. We are ALL survivors here and so are you. [/QUOTE]
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