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It really is bigger than I am
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<blockquote data-quote="Fran" data-source="post: 377961" data-attributes="member: 3"><p>ML, I know where you are coming from. As a parent of a difficult and complicated adolescent, there was no handbook or guidelines. My difficult child was an incredible ball of emotions, rage, oppositionality and energy. It was a very, very difficult time. There were times when I feared that he had lost his toehold in reality and would have to live away from us forever. Of course, it was the fear of the unknown future and all the boogeymen that conjures up. </p><p></p><p>In the end, every parent wants to help guide and shape their child to be the best they can be. We can offer support and suggestions but ultimately we can not control them or their lives. </p><p>I keep nudging difficult child but I also did not force him into situations that obviously was too much for him. I keep asking myself "what does <em>he</em> need?". The whole exercise thing was too volatile. Eventually, if he did anything physical, even walking, I was happy. I wish my difficult child weren't heavy but it is also something I can't or won't control. Heck husband and I could afford to lose a few pounds. I threw out the whole who wins and who loses. </p><p></p><p>I often thought maybe if I weren't so black and white, difficult child wouldn't have felt the need to fight me. I tried to be reflective of my own behavior and motivation and tried to make myself learn better parenting skills. If I "win" and lose the child, what is it I have won?</p><p>I think we will always question ourselves and wonder if we did something different if it wouldn't have changed things. The truth is we can't cure our kids and make them less needy of help to function in the regular world. I think treating them with dignity, respect, and holding them accountable plus trying to help them to problem solve is the best we can do. I have some lines in the sand so to speak of where I won't be flexible. Physical violence or verbal disrespect is a biggie in my house because that isn't how he is treated. However, there is a lot of sarcasm and humorous ribbing. It's difficult for difficult child to do this without sometimes ending up rude. It's up to us to point out the difference between funny and hurtful. He can't see it. </p><p></p><p>You and husband should ask yourselves why does he need to play tennis? What is the goal? Is there a way difficult child can meet that goal that appeals to him? What are the advantages and consequences if he doesn't follow through with the stated plan? </p><p>I know my difficult child can talk the talk like a professional. It is very difficult for him to turn that into action without a step by step plan. </p><p></p><p>You love your son. You want to be a positive influence on his life and exercise is important but ultimately he has to buy into it. It turned into a basket C for us. We were his role models and he knew the reasons why we thought he should. We provided him with equipment, time and positive feedback. It's still not one of his choices. </p><p></p><p>Ask yourself what he needs and go forward. husband and you will have different approaches for the same goal. It's good that way. My husband tends to help buffer when I am standing firm and I buffer when husband is standing firm. I don't dismiss husband's opinion but sometimes having someone help translate what parents want a difficult child to do is a good thing. We do this with easy child too. I am far too blunt for his sensitive nature but he also counts on "my truth" as a bit of a moral compass. husband often filters what I'm saying into a way that easy child can handle. We are a team and we love our children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Fran, post: 377961, member: 3"] ML, I know where you are coming from. As a parent of a difficult and complicated adolescent, there was no handbook or guidelines. My difficult child was an incredible ball of emotions, rage, oppositionality and energy. It was a very, very difficult time. There were times when I feared that he had lost his toehold in reality and would have to live away from us forever. Of course, it was the fear of the unknown future and all the boogeymen that conjures up. In the end, every parent wants to help guide and shape their child to be the best they can be. We can offer support and suggestions but ultimately we can not control them or their lives. I keep nudging difficult child but I also did not force him into situations that obviously was too much for him. I keep asking myself "what does [I]he[/I] need?". The whole exercise thing was too volatile. Eventually, if he did anything physical, even walking, I was happy. I wish my difficult child weren't heavy but it is also something I can't or won't control. Heck husband and I could afford to lose a few pounds. I threw out the whole who wins and who loses. I often thought maybe if I weren't so black and white, difficult child wouldn't have felt the need to fight me. I tried to be reflective of my own behavior and motivation and tried to make myself learn better parenting skills. If I "win" and lose the child, what is it I have won? I think we will always question ourselves and wonder if we did something different if it wouldn't have changed things. The truth is we can't cure our kids and make them less needy of help to function in the regular world. I think treating them with dignity, respect, and holding them accountable plus trying to help them to problem solve is the best we can do. I have some lines in the sand so to speak of where I won't be flexible. Physical violence or verbal disrespect is a biggie in my house because that isn't how he is treated. However, there is a lot of sarcasm and humorous ribbing. It's difficult for difficult child to do this without sometimes ending up rude. It's up to us to point out the difference between funny and hurtful. He can't see it. You and husband should ask yourselves why does he need to play tennis? What is the goal? Is there a way difficult child can meet that goal that appeals to him? What are the advantages and consequences if he doesn't follow through with the stated plan? I know my difficult child can talk the talk like a professional. It is very difficult for him to turn that into action without a step by step plan. You love your son. You want to be a positive influence on his life and exercise is important but ultimately he has to buy into it. It turned into a basket C for us. We were his role models and he knew the reasons why we thought he should. We provided him with equipment, time and positive feedback. It's still not one of his choices. Ask yourself what he needs and go forward. husband and you will have different approaches for the same goal. It's good that way. My husband tends to help buffer when I am standing firm and I buffer when husband is standing firm. I don't dismiss husband's opinion but sometimes having someone help translate what parents want a difficult child to do is a good thing. We do this with easy child too. I am far too blunt for his sensitive nature but he also counts on "my truth" as a bit of a moral compass. husband often filters what I'm saying into a way that easy child can handle. We are a team and we love our children. [/QUOTE]
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