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Parent Emeritus
It was very peaceful while my son was in jail
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 666563" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>When my son seemed to no longer prosper and to be happy with me or my love, I became angry. He still did not prosper. I became angrier and more defensive. I could not understand why.</p><p></p><p>At the heart of it, I felt that his state was a reflection of my own. That if it did not feel good to me to be his mother, I was not a good mother. And if he was hostile, I did not deserve his love. All of the hardness between us became a confirmation of everything in me and my life that had been hard. When he did not mirror back to me, a child that had a good mother.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>In the past few months I was able to say to my son, that I had gone off the deep end for years.</p><p></p><p>He asked me, "<em>why did you do that</em>?" Because I love you, and I wanted you to be OK.</p><p>All of the time, that is all I ever wanted. I had always accepted that he needed services in school, etc. What had changed was that when he was 16 and after, when he floundered I felt not a good mother. That he no longer loved me.</p><p></p><p>I could no longer love myself.</p><p></p><p>Now that there are boundaries I can remember he loves me and I love him. That was all I ever needed.</p><p></p><p>He is strong enough and so am I. <em>Even when he is not</em>. I will try to remember that my love and my devotion made him so. I can take pride. He is mine again and that is enough. I am OK.</p><p>It is only about the connection. After all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 666563, member: 18958"] When my son seemed to no longer prosper and to be happy with me or my love, I became angry. He still did not prosper. I became angrier and more defensive. I could not understand why. At the heart of it, I felt that his state was a reflection of my own. That if it did not feel good to me to be his mother, I was not a good mother. And if he was hostile, I did not deserve his love. All of the hardness between us became a confirmation of everything in me and my life that had been hard. When he did not mirror back to me, a child that had a good mother. Yes. In the past few months I was able to say to my son, that I had gone off the deep end for years. He asked me, "[I]why did you do that[/I]?" Because I love you, and I wanted you to be OK. All of the time, that is all I ever wanted. I had always accepted that he needed services in school, etc. What had changed was that when he was 16 and after, when he floundered I felt not a good mother. That he no longer loved me. I could no longer love myself. Now that there are boundaries I can remember he loves me and I love him. That was all I ever needed. He is strong enough and so am I. [I]Even when he is not[/I]. I will try to remember that my love and my devotion made him so. I can take pride. He is mine again and that is enough. I am OK. It is only about the connection. After all. [/QUOTE]
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It was very peaceful while my son was in jail
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