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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 106132" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>BBK was right - </p><p></p><p>This board has incredible healing powers. We really are a bunch - a bunch of kind, intelligent, caring, warm, well meaning, justifiable, straight-forward, courageous, loving people. </p><p></p><p>I've been re-reading all the suggestions and thoughts - it's incredible that you think you KNOW these thing and you can send it out to others, but some days just lack the ability to help yourself. I'm usually able to muddle through it all - this was just more mud than I anticipated. </p><p></p><p>I like the idea of going to see a movie and having a date. (Laughing) We're usually too battle weary to even consider such a luxury. Luxury lately has been silence, a happy dogs tail wagging, a nice meal at home, and then falling asleep. </p><p></p><p>I sat today and made a list of the things that bothered me, or rather the things I thought were making me so depressed. Then I made another list off that one of the things that I could change and jotted little ideas down of how I might go about doing that. The things I can't change = I just can't. I keep trying to convince MYSELF that I don't want Dec. 25th to come. I can't make a day disappear. And making myself disappear doesn't help me at all. Trying to make the blues disappear - I CAN work on that. </p><p></p><p>And you know - the stupidest thing today - I turned the computer on and played an assortment of Christmas music from on line as I was trying to compile my 'naughty and nice' list...and what songs play back to back?</p><p></p><p>I'll have a Blue Christmas without you, I'm gettin' nuttin for Christmas, I'll Be Home For Christmas, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Talk about tearing at your heart. </p><p></p><p>When I thought about this - there have been SO many Christmases without Dude. In the last 11 years - I've had 3 with him here at home. The other 8 were me and DF making trips to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s or mental hospitals. The 3 that he was here with the exception of being at my Mom's last year (he would not DARE pull that difficult child with my Mom) have been miserable. The last mental hospital Christmas made me cry so hard DF pulled off the road to hug me and console my brain. Telling me that "It won't be like this forever honey - that's why you have to let him go now - so he CAN be home someday." - and that is what this is all about - the fact that someday hasn't come yet, he's 17 it may never come. That I figured it would be here by now - I've given up so much of his life - for "bettering" him and it just seems like it hasn't come. </p><p></p><p>Maybe my brain is just putting all of the past in perspective for my heart and saying "Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy we ain't going through that again, just tell her to cancel Christmas so she's not crying". </p><p></p><p>A defense mechanism? Hard to tell, but working through it. I'm going to sit tonight and do some EMDR therapy skills I learned and see if I can't unfunk myself. Because I don't even want to be around me any more. EEsch. </p><p></p><p>Thanks so much everyone - really. You are appreciated very much more than I could say. </p><p></p><p>Hugs </p><p>Starbie - the looking for the new Christmas star barbie- Ken not included - we heard he's kind of a killjoy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 106132, member: 4964"] BBK was right - This board has incredible healing powers. We really are a bunch - a bunch of kind, intelligent, caring, warm, well meaning, justifiable, straight-forward, courageous, loving people. I've been re-reading all the suggestions and thoughts - it's incredible that you think you KNOW these thing and you can send it out to others, but some days just lack the ability to help yourself. I'm usually able to muddle through it all - this was just more mud than I anticipated. I like the idea of going to see a movie and having a date. (Laughing) We're usually too battle weary to even consider such a luxury. Luxury lately has been silence, a happy dogs tail wagging, a nice meal at home, and then falling asleep. I sat today and made a list of the things that bothered me, or rather the things I thought were making me so depressed. Then I made another list off that one of the things that I could change and jotted little ideas down of how I might go about doing that. The things I can't change = I just can't. I keep trying to convince MYSELF that I don't want Dec. 25th to come. I can't make a day disappear. And making myself disappear doesn't help me at all. Trying to make the blues disappear - I CAN work on that. And you know - the stupidest thing today - I turned the computer on and played an assortment of Christmas music from on line as I was trying to compile my 'naughty and nice' list...and what songs play back to back? I'll have a Blue Christmas without you, I'm gettin' nuttin for Christmas, I'll Be Home For Christmas, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Talk about tearing at your heart. When I thought about this - there have been SO many Christmases without Dude. In the last 11 years - I've had 3 with him here at home. The other 8 were me and DF making trips to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s or mental hospitals. The 3 that he was here with the exception of being at my Mom's last year (he would not DARE pull that difficult child with my Mom) have been miserable. The last mental hospital Christmas made me cry so hard DF pulled off the road to hug me and console my brain. Telling me that "It won't be like this forever honey - that's why you have to let him go now - so he CAN be home someday." - and that is what this is all about - the fact that someday hasn't come yet, he's 17 it may never come. That I figured it would be here by now - I've given up so much of his life - for "bettering" him and it just seems like it hasn't come. Maybe my brain is just putting all of the past in perspective for my heart and saying "Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy we ain't going through that again, just tell her to cancel Christmas so she's not crying". A defense mechanism? Hard to tell, but working through it. I'm going to sit tonight and do some EMDR therapy skills I learned and see if I can't unfunk myself. Because I don't even want to be around me any more. EEsch. Thanks so much everyone - really. You are appreciated very much more than I could say. Hugs Starbie - the looking for the new Christmas star barbie- Ken not included - we heard he's kind of a killjoy. [/QUOTE]
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