Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Jail, Rehab
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 656868" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi SWOT: Thank you for your heartfelt and generous reply. I will try to reply to the parts to which I believe I have something to say.</p><p>.</p><p></p><p>A woman I knew had a sister with cystic fibrosis. Her life and those of her healthy siblings had been scarred by their parents' preoccupation with the ill child, at the expense of the others. They grew up with the sense that their only importance if they had any at all was to support their parents and the ill child. Her position in her FOO came to distort her perception of life itself. </p><p></p><p>In your family, it seems somehow different. Almost as if your mother was acting not from the strong need and pull towards your brother, but more for herself. I find myself wondering this: Is there a way that you were somehow like your mother? In appearance. In vulnerabilities. In interests. And that your mother focused upon you in a negative way because of your resemblance to her? </p><p></p><p>As I type this, I am wondering about my own family.</p><p></p><p>My Mother had a sister, Rose, 9 years older than she. If she still lived she would have been 100 this year.</p><p></p><p>For reasons I do not know my grandfather came to hate her. I believe he had always hated her. I will never know why. I loved my grandfather. My mother adored him and he adored my mother.</p><p></p><p>What is there to say? I am forced to accept that there was a pathology in my family that I do not feel strong enough to try to understand. </p><p></p><p>What it was about my grandfather and my aunt, I cannot go there. Did my Aunt resemble my grandfather in some way? Was he rejecting part of himself? Did some abuse happen, and my grandfather feel the need to scapegoat her? </p><p></p><p>If I look at your family, at your mother, as you described her, I think in terms of extreme psychopathology. With my grandfather? There is nothing in me or my memory that is ready to go there. In fact, I will say, I never will. </p><p></p><p>What kind of Mother would reject her child in this way? I cannot conceive of it. </p><p></p><p>But then, if I think about it, my sister could feel this about me. </p><p></p><p>My sister, I believe, feels I have let her down in every moment in her adult life that she needed me. On my part is this evil? Survival? Self-righteousness? A valid and understandable choice? I do not know.</p><p>My sister had breast cancer in the couple of years before my mother died. By that time she had made it clear she wanted nothing to do with us. I neither tried to call her nor thought I should.</p><p></p><p>These things are muddy and murky sometimes. Am I avoiding responsible by feeling such? </p><p></p><p>There are always two sides to something. That is why we are doing such brave, brave work here. We try to find a way forward with our adult children, not for them. We try to find the right way to go, but seldom fall into,"I am right.You are wrong. This is abuse, I feel. But then by coming down hard on your mother, I have to face the reality of my own. My Mother stole our inheritance. I knew that 33 years ago. Only in the last week did I find my grandpa's will in my mother's things. The last piece of things. The proof. I knew that will existed but there it was in black and white. His assets, in thirds, to my mother, my sister and I.</p><p></p><p>I understand why she did it. But she knew all the time that she was doing something at least morally wrong.</p><p></p><p>She too, did not call me for a decade at least, preferring to not expose herself to my anger. I have taken responsibility for decades for our separation in those years...because I did not call or see her. But she was the mother, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>I know, SWOT, that I am a person that takes responsibility for things. I think this has always been part of me. Like most things, it has its good and bad aspect.</p><p></p><p>I ask myself, sometimes, where did this profound love for my mother come from, that emerged in me as she was dying, and after she died? How does this love for her make sense, with all that passed between us and that which did not? I do not know the sense of this, SWOT, but I love my Mother, and I found I did, always. My sister, I do not know. I really do not know.</p><p></p><p>This a painful thought, SWOT. I hate to think of my grandfather choosing to reject his adult child, my Aunt, which he did. I know this to be true, beyond doubt.</p><p></p><p>What does that mean, that love and responsibility in my family of origin, involved such abandonment, betrayal and cruelty. What my mother did was as cruel and wrong.</p><p></p><p>Her daughters needed the help that that money would have provided.</p><p></p><p>She had decided she needed it more. And in her way of thinking, she was safeguarding the money to become ours when she no longer needed it, upon her death. I truly understand her point of view. Had she discussed it with me, I would have done the right thing by her. But she did not.</p><p></p><p>I never got the help of a parent to establish myself in the world. I did okay. But that I did not have a mother that had the heart to help me caused me pain. Worse still, my mother acted to destroy her family by putting her needs, her security, he interests before ours.</p><p></p><p>I suffer more for her than I do for myself. How she hurt herself, SWOT. And there was nothing that I could do to help her, to make it alright. Until the end.</p><p></p><p>So much pain, SWOT. So much pain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 656868, member: 18958"] Hi SWOT: Thank you for your heartfelt and generous reply. I will try to reply to the parts to which I believe I have something to say. . A woman I knew had a sister with cystic fibrosis. Her life and those of her healthy siblings had been scarred by their parents' preoccupation with the ill child, at the expense of the others. They grew up with the sense that their only importance if they had any at all was to support their parents and the ill child. Her position in her FOO came to distort her perception of life itself. In your family, it seems somehow different. Almost as if your mother was acting not from the strong need and pull towards your brother, but more for herself. I find myself wondering this: Is there a way that you were somehow like your mother? In appearance. In vulnerabilities. In interests. And that your mother focused upon you in a negative way because of your resemblance to her? As I type this, I am wondering about my own family. My Mother had a sister, Rose, 9 years older than she. If she still lived she would have been 100 this year. For reasons I do not know my grandfather came to hate her. I believe he had always hated her. I will never know why. I loved my grandfather. My mother adored him and he adored my mother. What is there to say? I am forced to accept that there was a pathology in my family that I do not feel strong enough to try to understand. What it was about my grandfather and my aunt, I cannot go there. Did my Aunt resemble my grandfather in some way? Was he rejecting part of himself? Did some abuse happen, and my grandfather feel the need to scapegoat her? If I look at your family, at your mother, as you described her, I think in terms of extreme psychopathology. With my grandfather? There is nothing in me or my memory that is ready to go there. In fact, I will say, I never will. What kind of Mother would reject her child in this way? I cannot conceive of it. But then, if I think about it, my sister could feel this about me. My sister, I believe, feels I have let her down in every moment in her adult life that she needed me. On my part is this evil? Survival? Self-righteousness? A valid and understandable choice? I do not know. My sister had breast cancer in the couple of years before my mother died. By that time she had made it clear she wanted nothing to do with us. I neither tried to call her nor thought I should. These things are muddy and murky sometimes. Am I avoiding responsible by feeling such? There are always two sides to something. That is why we are doing such brave, brave work here. We try to find a way forward with our adult children, not for them. We try to find the right way to go, but seldom fall into,"I am right.You are wrong. This is abuse, I feel. But then by coming down hard on your mother, I have to face the reality of my own. My Mother stole our inheritance. I knew that 33 years ago. Only in the last week did I find my grandpa's will in my mother's things. The last piece of things. The proof. I knew that will existed but there it was in black and white. His assets, in thirds, to my mother, my sister and I. I understand why she did it. But she knew all the time that she was doing something at least morally wrong. She too, did not call me for a decade at least, preferring to not expose herself to my anger. I have taken responsibility for decades for our separation in those years...because I did not call or see her. But she was the mother, SWOT. I know, SWOT, that I am a person that takes responsibility for things. I think this has always been part of me. Like most things, it has its good and bad aspect. I ask myself, sometimes, where did this profound love for my mother come from, that emerged in me as she was dying, and after she died? How does this love for her make sense, with all that passed between us and that which did not? I do not know the sense of this, SWOT, but I love my Mother, and I found I did, always. My sister, I do not know. I really do not know. This a painful thought, SWOT. I hate to think of my grandfather choosing to reject his adult child, my Aunt, which he did. I know this to be true, beyond doubt. What does that mean, that love and responsibility in my family of origin, involved such abandonment, betrayal and cruelty. What my mother did was as cruel and wrong. Her daughters needed the help that that money would have provided. She had decided she needed it more. And in her way of thinking, she was safeguarding the money to become ours when she no longer needed it, upon her death. I truly understand her point of view. Had she discussed it with me, I would have done the right thing by her. But she did not. I never got the help of a parent to establish myself in the world. I did okay. But that I did not have a mother that had the heart to help me caused me pain. Worse still, my mother acted to destroy her family by putting her needs, her security, he interests before ours. I suffer more for her than I do for myself. How she hurt herself, SWOT. And there was nothing that I could do to help her, to make it alright. Until the end. So much pain, SWOT. So much pain. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Jail, Rehab
Top