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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 656874" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Not so much anymore here, Copa. Just a shock at the new understanding that my ex-siblings (Thing 1 and Thing 2, I will call them) are every bit as disturbed by our FOO as I was, and ended up in less happy situations. I am looking at them through new eyes. I admired my brother once and thought he understood. I thought my sister had actually done well with all the dysfunction but now I feel she was hit the worst and had the least insight into what was going on.</p><p></p><p>My mother could effectively tell stories with her slant that made one look bad. I am a writer, but she was much better at storytelling then I ever was. She spent years telling me stories about how horrible my father's family was and ridiculed my father's brother for telling on us to my father (his brother) that we had not greeted him at a family holiday. You know what? We were never taught manners and we SHOULD have said "hello" to him. She also told me that my father's father demeaned my uncle's girlfriend, calling her ugly and that uncle was so horrified by the putdown that he never married her.</p><p></p><p>Now it's true he never married, but how the hello do I know she told the truth about my father's brother and his girlfriend, and why on earth did I take her mean words at face value? I don't know the truth behind that story, except that it makes my father's father sound like a monster and my uncle look like a whipped puppy. Which was how she wanted them to look.</p><p></p><p>She used to say horrible things about my dad's family all the time, but the very few tiimes I saw them, they were nice to me. So why did I believe her? Why does anyone believe what she says, second-hand? I now no longer believe ANYTHING she has ever told me unless I was there. I was Scapegoat One. Father was Scapegoat Two. And Thing 1 and Thing 2 totally bought her side of the story. Doubt that even asked my father about it.</p><p></p><p>Copa, my mother did NOT hurt herself. She was Queen of Hearts and she took care of HER. If she was nice to somebody it was because SHE wanted to be and it somehow made her feel good. If she was mean to somebody, same thing. I don't hurt for her because she didn't suffer. WE ALL THREE DID...as all three of us had serious enough issues to seek help, although Thing 2 was a bit late with it...her life is horrible. That says it all. If all three of your children need therapy and fight amongst themselves, you had a bad upbringing. I got away early, at least emotionally, thank God. Even as I called Mother to try to made amends in this lifetime, I knew...in the back of my mind I knew...I just didn't know her wicked plan. I suspected it though, but it hurt when it happened.</p><p></p><p>So I do not and never did hurt for my mother. Her life wasn't so hard. If she had d spent all her money, I wouldn't feel she targeted me and it would leave me with a better feeling about how2 she felt about me. I could live with that as I don't care about her stupid (my most hated word) money. But she did give money to my sister and brother and maybe the grandkids too. I will see once I access her will. She not only cut me out of her life, but my children as well.</p><p></p><p>I hurt for the child inside of me sometimes. I don't hurt for her. I feel bad for my father who is still the family villian to Thing 1 and 2...the bad guy who "abused" E. She didn't do it. He did. I am just grateful that, in spite of the hurt at her grave slap, we WERE NOT close and she didn't have anything to do with my kids. I can just see her playing divide and conquer as she did with Thing 2's kids.</p><p></p><p>We are a very happy family when holidays come. Nobody fights. Everyone gets along. I hear from Bart, even though he is phobically afraid to drive far to Chicago, where we usually celebrate. Things turned out for the best. I just am very interested in psychology and exploring my own FOO is extremely interesting. I'm sure I will eventually run out of things to learn about them...they are a cliche dysfunctional family (I have started reading about other stories about dysfunctional families). Until then, it is a very interesting ride and I'm so glad I'm lightyears ahead of so many others. I just wish it had not taken me so long. It is especially comforting and interesting to learn that SO MANY siblings from these crazy families have cut one off or, if a larger clan, they form "sides." Part of that is our dysfunctional family never taught us to love one another. We were not told to be close or encouraged to do activities together. Just like we were never taught manners.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I am so sorry that your heart hurts for the love your have for your mother. It was a long time before all love died for mine. Nobody wants to believe his/her mother despised her. And, Copa, it makes me feel better to commit the truth to writing. So it's good for me to do so. I hope writing things down and sharing with understanding people helps you as well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 656874, member: 1550"] Not so much anymore here, Copa. Just a shock at the new understanding that my ex-siblings (Thing 1 and Thing 2, I will call them) are every bit as disturbed by our FOO as I was, and ended up in less happy situations. I am looking at them through new eyes. I admired my brother once and thought he understood. I thought my sister had actually done well with all the dysfunction but now I feel she was hit the worst and had the least insight into what was going on. My mother could effectively tell stories with her slant that made one look bad. I am a writer, but she was much better at storytelling then I ever was. She spent years telling me stories about how horrible my father's family was and ridiculed my father's brother for telling on us to my father (his brother) that we had not greeted him at a family holiday. You know what? We were never taught manners and we SHOULD have said "hello" to him. She also told me that my father's father demeaned my uncle's girlfriend, calling her ugly and that uncle was so horrified by the putdown that he never married her. Now it's true he never married, but how the hello do I know she told the truth about my father's brother and his girlfriend, and why on earth did I take her mean words at face value? I don't know the truth behind that story, except that it makes my father's father sound like a monster and my uncle look like a whipped puppy. Which was how she wanted them to look. She used to say horrible things about my dad's family all the time, but the very few tiimes I saw them, they were nice to me. So why did I believe her? Why does anyone believe what she says, second-hand? I now no longer believe ANYTHING she has ever told me unless I was there. I was Scapegoat One. Father was Scapegoat Two. And Thing 1 and Thing 2 totally bought her side of the story. Doubt that even asked my father about it. Copa, my mother did NOT hurt herself. She was Queen of Hearts and she took care of HER. If she was nice to somebody it was because SHE wanted to be and it somehow made her feel good. If she was mean to somebody, same thing. I don't hurt for her because she didn't suffer. WE ALL THREE DID...as all three of us had serious enough issues to seek help, although Thing 2 was a bit late with it...her life is horrible. That says it all. If all three of your children need therapy and fight amongst themselves, you had a bad upbringing. I got away early, at least emotionally, thank God. Even as I called Mother to try to made amends in this lifetime, I knew...in the back of my mind I knew...I just didn't know her wicked plan. I suspected it though, but it hurt when it happened. So I do not and never did hurt for my mother. Her life wasn't so hard. If she had d spent all her money, I wouldn't feel she targeted me and it would leave me with a better feeling about how2 she felt about me. I could live with that as I don't care about her stupid (my most hated word) money. But she did give money to my sister and brother and maybe the grandkids too. I will see once I access her will. She not only cut me out of her life, but my children as well. I hurt for the child inside of me sometimes. I don't hurt for her. I feel bad for my father who is still the family villian to Thing 1 and 2...the bad guy who "abused" E. She didn't do it. He did. I am just grateful that, in spite of the hurt at her grave slap, we WERE NOT close and she didn't have anything to do with my kids. I can just see her playing divide and conquer as she did with Thing 2's kids. We are a very happy family when holidays come. Nobody fights. Everyone gets along. I hear from Bart, even though he is phobically afraid to drive far to Chicago, where we usually celebrate. Things turned out for the best. I just am very interested in psychology and exploring my own FOO is extremely interesting. I'm sure I will eventually run out of things to learn about them...they are a cliche dysfunctional family (I have started reading about other stories about dysfunctional families). Until then, it is a very interesting ride and I'm so glad I'm lightyears ahead of so many others. I just wish it had not taken me so long. It is especially comforting and interesting to learn that SO MANY siblings from these crazy families have cut one off or, if a larger clan, they form "sides." Part of that is our dysfunctional family never taught us to love one another. We were not told to be close or encouraged to do activities together. Just like we were never taught manners. Copa, I am so sorry that your heart hurts for the love your have for your mother. It was a long time before all love died for mine. Nobody wants to believe his/her mother despised her. And, Copa, it makes me feel better to commit the truth to writing. So it's good for me to do so. I hope writing things down and sharing with understanding people helps you as well. [/QUOTE]
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