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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 657102" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am moving some of my responding to the new thread SWOT started on Watercolor but these few thoughts I will put here.I think my mother felt "sorry", because of:</p><p></p><p>1. Guilt--suffering of her daughters</p><p>2. Bad results--one or both of her daughters was estranged from her nearly all of their adult lives.</p><p></p><p>I am using the word sorry in the colloquial sense, like one spills something on somebody's clothes. It's my fault and I acknowledge it. That is how my mother felt sorry for the damage she did to her daughters. </p><p></p><p>My mother was a paradox. She was among the warmest women I have known, really beloved by people who did not know her well: neighbors, cleaning ladies, salesladies. She had social skills of a duchess...outside the house.</p><p></p><p>I think my relationship in the last 20 years of her life was largely a phone relationship because this arrangement created a distance, and she behaved better. I was kind of a glorified neighbor, who she happened to love.</p><p></p><p>I still do not understand how somebody as compassionate as was my mother could be so selfish. More than selfish. Cruel, cold-blooded and self-serving. How can somebody be cold-blooded and warm depending upon the context?</p><p></p><p>I guess the answer is once again, my Mother was warm if it didn't cost her and cold-blooded if her interests were at stake.</p><p></p><p>There is the business of my grandfather's will that I wrote about in another post. Too tired to go into again now, but it was the seismic shift that broke our lives apart. </p><p></p><p> I have a greater understanding these past few days why grieving my Mom has been so complicated.</p><p></p><p>I have felt responsible for protecting my mother from her bad choices. The only image that comes to mind is the impulse a mother has to kiss away the pain of a child to make it all better.</p><p></p><p>That a daughter would have this impulse for a mother, is a bit regrettable, to be sure.</p><p></p><p>But it crosses into pathology when the child takes on the guilt and suffering <em><strong>for the harms that my mother did to me.</strong></em> <strong><em>On purpose.</em></strong></p><p></p><p>I have grieved that my mother suffered because she did bad, bad things. I suffer more for her than for me.</p><p></p><p>Clearly, I must have been groomed to assume this posture. And understanding this, it is apparent why I had to distance myself from her in order to live an adult life. I cannot say normal, because it was not. </p><p></p><p>I get too well that this same need to take responsibility for all of the hurt that accrued to my mother, is at play with my son.</p><p></p><p>Imagine my despair as what afflicts my son morphs to ever more concerning and less fixable conditions.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 657102, member: 18958"] I am moving some of my responding to the new thread SWOT started on Watercolor but these few thoughts I will put here.I think my mother felt "sorry", because of: 1. Guilt--suffering of her daughters 2. Bad results--one or both of her daughters was estranged from her nearly all of their adult lives. I am using the word sorry in the colloquial sense, like one spills something on somebody's clothes. It's my fault and I acknowledge it. That is how my mother felt sorry for the damage she did to her daughters. My mother was a paradox. She was among the warmest women I have known, really beloved by people who did not know her well: neighbors, cleaning ladies, salesladies. She had social skills of a duchess...outside the house. I think my relationship in the last 20 years of her life was largely a phone relationship because this arrangement created a distance, and she behaved better. I was kind of a glorified neighbor, who she happened to love. I still do not understand how somebody as compassionate as was my mother could be so selfish. More than selfish. Cruel, cold-blooded and self-serving. How can somebody be cold-blooded and warm depending upon the context? I guess the answer is once again, my Mother was warm if it didn't cost her and cold-blooded if her interests were at stake. There is the business of my grandfather's will that I wrote about in another post. Too tired to go into again now, but it was the seismic shift that broke our lives apart. I have a greater understanding these past few days why grieving my Mom has been so complicated. I have felt responsible for protecting my mother from her bad choices. The only image that comes to mind is the impulse a mother has to kiss away the pain of a child to make it all better. That a daughter would have this impulse for a mother, is a bit regrettable, to be sure. But it crosses into pathology when the child takes on the guilt and suffering [I][B]for the harms that my mother did to me.[/B][/I] [B][I]On purpose.[/I][/B] I have grieved that my mother suffered because she did bad, bad things. I suffer more for her than for me. Clearly, I must have been groomed to assume this posture. And understanding this, it is apparent why I had to distance myself from her in order to live an adult life. I cannot say normal, because it was not. I get too well that this same need to take responsibility for all of the hurt that accrued to my mother, is at play with my son. Imagine my despair as what afflicts my son morphs to ever more concerning and less fixable conditions. [/QUOTE]
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