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Janna's post has me thinking...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 89050" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Megs,</p><p>You are the sweetest. However, I don't really think it's a failure for Lucas to live with other people. I don't want him to get used to living at home because I'm an older parent and I don't want him to suddenly lose his stability at age forty or fifty. He COULD live with his brother, but what would he do? Probably sit around in his room playing videogames. Remember, son has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, not Aspergers, and doesn't have the desire for independence that some have. He freaks out at the thought of even getting a driver's license. We thought of trying to teach him to drive, and we probably will, but I am concerned that he'll have too much anxiety to drive safely. He WILL work, but he will need a one step job. He can not multi-task at all, and is happy to contribute, even if things are simple. He works very hard. Now if he suddenly morphs into a "typical" kid, we won't have to consider these options, but right now I feel it would be cruel to try to force him to organize, remember, and live on his own. We DO have good services where I live and right near the house--easy access to visits. He's certainly not so disabled he can't walk to the store himself. But he would NEVER socialize if left on his own and wouldn't bathe, change his clothes, comb his hair--he'd be that eccentric person everyone is afraid of who walks down the street looking scary. Right now we are planning "assited living apartment" by age twenty-one with his brother as guardian after we're no longer here. He'll be perfectly happy living that way. Lucas himself will NOT see that as a failure. He doesn't live in "typical" social norms. He is very happy in Special Education, with his friends there, being signed up for Special Olympics etc. In spite of being good natured, he lets you know when he's dissatisfied...lol. He's not above a kick at the floor or a scowl or a grumbled, "I'M NOT DOING THAT!" His naivity about life is not improving. He would happily give all his money or his coat to a stranger. Again, though, he's a happy person, and I don't see not being 100% independent as a failure as long as he doesn't see it that way. School is working with us now to plan for his adulthood. Everyone pretty much sees him the same way because with him what you see is what you get. There are no secrets. He doesn't put on masks. He doesn't manipulative. He tells the boldface truth almost all the time! I'd hate for him to have him anxiously struggle through life just because it is seen, in social norms, as a plus to be completely independent. On an autism board I visit, a very intelligent but severely disabled autistic women has posted as much: Independence is overrated and does not a happy person make. Certainly my son will want independence in all areas he can handle, but not in those that make him overly anxious and/or confuse him. Since, on top of bipolar, I had neurological sensitivities myself and could never have lived on my own (I remedied that by getting married quickly), I think I understand. There are some things he can't do. There are some things I can't do. And they make it very hard to live independently. But, again, assisted living is NOT a failure to me...and so far it's not to Lucas. He gets frightened by the idea of ever living alone. My eleven year old talks about living on her own one day. Lucas says, "Who will take care of me if you can't?" </p><p>When we adopted Lucas, we told the agency we wanted a child who would be able to live independently as an adult. Now that we have Lucas, we have changed our priorities and "be happy" is our goal for all our kids. I have learned to be elated that my oldest is a brilliant millionaire (even if he turned ultra-religious and rarely sees us because we're heathens...lol), that my biological son is a Regional Sales Manager (in spite of inheriting some of my disorders and a social phobia), and that my once drug addicted daughter is the Manager of a Fannie Mae and with a very nice young man. I consider myself a lucky mom--my kids are doing the best they can, have good hearts, and are, in my opinion, huge successes and the best kids on earth. I have stopped thinking, "Now if I ONLY had a NeuroSurgeon" lol! Whatever makes them happy is what I wish for them! </p><p>Meg, you have such good, insightful posts! Love to read them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 89050, member: 1550"] Megs, You are the sweetest. However, I don't really think it's a failure for Lucas to live with other people. I don't want him to get used to living at home because I'm an older parent and I don't want him to suddenly lose his stability at age forty or fifty. He COULD live with his brother, but what would he do? Probably sit around in his room playing videogames. Remember, son has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, not Aspergers, and doesn't have the desire for independence that some have. He freaks out at the thought of even getting a driver's license. We thought of trying to teach him to drive, and we probably will, but I am concerned that he'll have too much anxiety to drive safely. He WILL work, but he will need a one step job. He can not multi-task at all, and is happy to contribute, even if things are simple. He works very hard. Now if he suddenly morphs into a "typical" kid, we won't have to consider these options, but right now I feel it would be cruel to try to force him to organize, remember, and live on his own. We DO have good services where I live and right near the house--easy access to visits. He's certainly not so disabled he can't walk to the store himself. But he would NEVER socialize if left on his own and wouldn't bathe, change his clothes, comb his hair--he'd be that eccentric person everyone is afraid of who walks down the street looking scary. Right now we are planning "assited living apartment" by age twenty-one with his brother as guardian after we're no longer here. He'll be perfectly happy living that way. Lucas himself will NOT see that as a failure. He doesn't live in "typical" social norms. He is very happy in Special Education, with his friends there, being signed up for Special Olympics etc. In spite of being good natured, he lets you know when he's dissatisfied...lol. He's not above a kick at the floor or a scowl or a grumbled, "I'M NOT DOING THAT!" His naivity about life is not improving. He would happily give all his money or his coat to a stranger. Again, though, he's a happy person, and I don't see not being 100% independent as a failure as long as he doesn't see it that way. School is working with us now to plan for his adulthood. Everyone pretty much sees him the same way because with him what you see is what you get. There are no secrets. He doesn't put on masks. He doesn't manipulative. He tells the boldface truth almost all the time! I'd hate for him to have him anxiously struggle through life just because it is seen, in social norms, as a plus to be completely independent. On an autism board I visit, a very intelligent but severely disabled autistic women has posted as much: Independence is overrated and does not a happy person make. Certainly my son will want independence in all areas he can handle, but not in those that make him overly anxious and/or confuse him. Since, on top of bipolar, I had neurological sensitivities myself and could never have lived on my own (I remedied that by getting married quickly), I think I understand. There are some things he can't do. There are some things I can't do. And they make it very hard to live independently. But, again, assisted living is NOT a failure to me...and so far it's not to Lucas. He gets frightened by the idea of ever living alone. My eleven year old talks about living on her own one day. Lucas says, "Who will take care of me if you can't?" When we adopted Lucas, we told the agency we wanted a child who would be able to live independently as an adult. Now that we have Lucas, we have changed our priorities and "be happy" is our goal for all our kids. I have learned to be elated that my oldest is a brilliant millionaire (even if he turned ultra-religious and rarely sees us because we're heathens...lol), that my biological son is a Regional Sales Manager (in spite of inheriting some of my disorders and a social phobia), and that my once drug addicted daughter is the Manager of a Fannie Mae and with a very nice young man. I consider myself a lucky mom--my kids are doing the best they can, have good hearts, and are, in my opinion, huge successes and the best kids on earth. I have stopped thinking, "Now if I ONLY had a NeuroSurgeon" lol! Whatever makes them happy is what I wish for them! Meg, you have such good, insightful posts! Love to read them. [/QUOTE]
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