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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 683366" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Most sincerely, thank you, RB.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>These are excellent questions, beam-me-up. If you were to create a number of posts, each addressing one of these questions, I believe every one of us would find the information helpful. Even to ask the questions will open the hearts of so many parents now struggling alone with those exact concerns.</p><p></p><p>And believing they are the only ones.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Another great question.</p><p></p><p>Another would be how we each are working around the hurt and guilt and shame in our hearts when our children act out in these ways. And when our families are not ~ when something happens, and we don't know what it is, and our children are hurting and afraid and outraged and nothing we do helps. How may we strengthen ourselves and step into a strong, centered place in our parenting. </p><p></p><p>Your questions would make excellent, very helpful posts, beam me up. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This would make a meaningful post too, beam me up. These are the questions every one of us asks herself in the middle of the night. The third question, about being afraid to do the wrong thing, would resonate with so many of us, whatever the age of our children.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are right, beam me up. There is no right answer. </p><p></p><p>I have seen that look. I have been that mom.</p><p></p><p>This helped me.</p><p></p><p>"It is not my child who is bad. It is not me who is bad. It is the situation that is bad." It sounds like a foolish distinction to make, but it is life changing. It will change the nature of the confrontation from glaring back to the ability to step into an emotional place where the primary value will be accepting that what your child needs is a mother who is not afraid of what is happening. The child will follow your non-verbal cues.</p><p></p><p>If you are not afraid, your child will learn not to be afraid of herself when she is out of control emotionally. </p><p></p><p>It is so easy to forget how frightened the kids are. It is so easy to forget to remember that as surely as we envisioned our lovely, perfect children and our lovely, perfect lives...so did the kids.</p><p></p><p>They are outraged and ashamed and embarrassed at their behaviors, too.</p><p></p><p>The only person who feels worse than we do about what is happening, about the way everything has fallen apart?</p><p></p><p>Is the child.</p><p></p><p>And we love them and they love us and we don't know what to do.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to set my mental course like this: This is what happens with my child. I don't know why, and neither does she. So, I will not judge any of it for right now. What little I do know is that, though she is the aggressor here, my child needs to feel safe too, when these things happen.</p><p></p><p>Mothering children like ours is a thing of ten thousand complexities. No one whose child is not experiencing the things our children experience can help us understand how to do this. </p><p>How do we love them, and ourselves. How do we see them with pride. Where did all those good things go, that got us through the work and bad days.</p><p></p><p>If your child engages in physical confrontation, then you both would benefit from knowing you can keep both of you safe. A martial arts class, or a self defense class, taken without fanfare. No different than buying a gate to keep a toddler from falling down the stairs. </p><p></p><p>There is a concept: Radical Acceptance, that has helped me stop judging myself or my child. Understanding how to incorporate everything that has happened is the value of Parent Emeritus, I think. Learning the nature of the hurt to ourselves when our children are so troubled and reclaiming ourselves is the value, I think, of Family of Origin.</p><p></p><p>I believe we are, all of us, so strong. There is a way to get ourselves and our children through whatever it is that is coming. We will find it. Together here, we will find it sooner. </p><p></p><p>To be that mom (or dad) whose child is so challenging requires that we develop aspects of self and strength and independence. Love is not enough. Or, love is a very different thing than we knew, when our children are so troubled. We are going to be fighting the systems of medical care and education and even social services (and the legal system too) for the sakes of our children.</p><p></p><p>And then, one day...they are bigger than we are.</p><p></p><p>And we need then to know how to love them, in spite of all that has happened, and in spite of all that will happen.</p><p></p><p>So your questions are such good questions, beam me up. I hope you will begin threads asking exactly those questions.</p><p></p><p>A very warm welcome, beam me up.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 683366, member: 17461"] Most sincerely, thank you, RB. These are excellent questions, beam-me-up. If you were to create a number of posts, each addressing one of these questions, I believe every one of us would find the information helpful. Even to ask the questions will open the hearts of so many parents now struggling alone with those exact concerns. And believing they are the only ones. Another great question. Another would be how we each are working around the hurt and guilt and shame in our hearts when our children act out in these ways. And when our families are not ~ when something happens, and we don't know what it is, and our children are hurting and afraid and outraged and nothing we do helps. How may we strengthen ourselves and step into a strong, centered place in our parenting. Your questions would make excellent, very helpful posts, beam me up. This would make a meaningful post too, beam me up. These are the questions every one of us asks herself in the middle of the night. The third question, about being afraid to do the wrong thing, would resonate with so many of us, whatever the age of our children. You are right, beam me up. There is no right answer. I have seen that look. I have been that mom. This helped me. "It is not my child who is bad. It is not me who is bad. It is the situation that is bad." It sounds like a foolish distinction to make, but it is life changing. It will change the nature of the confrontation from glaring back to the ability to step into an emotional place where the primary value will be accepting that what your child needs is a mother who is not afraid of what is happening. The child will follow your non-verbal cues. If you are not afraid, your child will learn not to be afraid of herself when she is out of control emotionally. It is so easy to forget how frightened the kids are. It is so easy to forget to remember that as surely as we envisioned our lovely, perfect children and our lovely, perfect lives...so did the kids. They are outraged and ashamed and embarrassed at their behaviors, too. The only person who feels worse than we do about what is happening, about the way everything has fallen apart? Is the child. And we love them and they love us and we don't know what to do. It helped me to set my mental course like this: This is what happens with my child. I don't know why, and neither does she. So, I will not judge any of it for right now. What little I do know is that, though she is the aggressor here, my child needs to feel safe too, when these things happen. Mothering children like ours is a thing of ten thousand complexities. No one whose child is not experiencing the things our children experience can help us understand how to do this. How do we love them, and ourselves. How do we see them with pride. Where did all those good things go, that got us through the work and bad days. If your child engages in physical confrontation, then you both would benefit from knowing you can keep both of you safe. A martial arts class, or a self defense class, taken without fanfare. No different than buying a gate to keep a toddler from falling down the stairs. There is a concept: Radical Acceptance, that has helped me stop judging myself or my child. Understanding how to incorporate everything that has happened is the value of Parent Emeritus, I think. Learning the nature of the hurt to ourselves when our children are so troubled and reclaiming ourselves is the value, I think, of Family of Origin. I believe we are, all of us, so strong. There is a way to get ourselves and our children through whatever it is that is coming. We will find it. Together here, we will find it sooner. To be that mom (or dad) whose child is so challenging requires that we develop aspects of self and strength and independence. Love is not enough. Or, love is a very different thing than we knew, when our children are so troubled. We are going to be fighting the systems of medical care and education and even social services (and the legal system too) for the sakes of our children. And then, one day...they are bigger than we are. And we need then to know how to love them, in spite of all that has happened, and in spite of all that will happen. So your questions are such good questions, beam me up. I hope you will begin threads asking exactly those questions. A very warm welcome, beam me up. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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