Dear Deni
I read your post and I hear how wonderful your life is going. How you have found dear friends, kind and good; a partner who does the best he can; loving brothers who care. I hear you open to the support and embrace of those around you, grateful for blessings, accepting of human frailty and limitation, and open to what is and what will be.
Your son is your son. All of us wax and wane in our ability to endure. I think the important thing is to not be harsh on yourself; that you felt sadness and vulnerability in response to how your son treated you and acted on your birthday, who wouldn't? After opening up to all of the kindness and love that had come your way, your defenses had fallen. Of course you were unprepared for son's onslaught. But this says nothing about your strength and capacity, or the course you have chosen. These were tender moments, no more.
I think every single one of us is isolated. In my own case, I don't want to talk to anybody about what has been going on with my child. Even professionals can't seem to take in what my experience is. Or what they say I find hurtful and insensitive. Or I'm not strong enough to accept their truth. Whatever it is, I choose to not open up with other people about what we've been going through. I scarcely feel the ability to open up to myself. I seem to just want to trudge on, feeling, seeing, hearing as little as I can. In sum, I hope you feel better. And I'm blad you posted.
