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just asked difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 391881" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>in my opinion it is incredibly important for you to MAKE this happen on a regular, daily or several times a day basis. Even though it may feel that you are reassuring her by being with her every minute, the reality is that you are teaching her that she cannot cope unless she is right there with you, that she is not capable of falling asleep unless you hold her, that she isn't really able to eat unless you are there to tell her she is okay and won't choke. It SEEMS, in the moment, that you are reassuring her, helping to make her feel like everything is fine. What she really gets is that she cannot handle things with-o you, because if she could then you would let her work through things on her own. I know that you don't say that, think that, want that, or in any way mean to imply that to her. It is just what the behavior of always being there to help her tells her. </p><p> </p><p>I don't watch Supernanny on any regular basis, but caught part of one a couple of weeks ago. The family had a four yo daughter who actually had damage to her vocal cords because she screamed so much for so long every time her dad left her eyesight. Every time he left she would pester for hugs, kisses, not let him go, etc... and then scream and cry and carry on. Dad would keep going back to her to reassure her that he was coming back, and together the family made a real big deal even if he was just going to run a ten minute errand. The nanny person said that this fuss was NOT helping, it was telling her that there WAS a reason for fear because if there was no reason then the dad would just go and not keep going back to kiss and hug and soothe her. The first time it happened after the nanny put some rules into place the girl screamed for a very long time, but with-in a day or so she wasn't fussing much at all. Dad would say he was going, give her a kiss and a hug, and then GO. Not dilly dally around, not try to soothe her (what's to soothe, it is normal, ordinary, no soothing is needed was the message they were sending with the new rules) or to keep trying to leave yet going to her over and over. In just a very short time the girl's "separation anxiety" was almost gone, and it was no big deal to have dad leave the house.</p><p> </p><p>in my opinion your daughter is getting the message that this little girl did, that she has REASON to worry because if she didn't then you would insist she do things by herself, even if she is bored, screams, yells, etc... You need to FORCE the issue and make her let you alone for a substantial amount of time every day, at least an hour - if not even more. Night time needs to be a time when she manages herself. Kids must be TAUGHT to amuse themselves, it is NOT something that all kids do automatically. it is a skill like anything else. </p><p> </p><p>It won't be easy to make this part of the routine, but it is a very very important thing to do, to make her spend time alone in a room, time WITHOUT you being right with her. It is something that ALL kids must learn at some point, and regardless of age they often do not see the point. It will make her more confident, more independent, and in the long run it will make her a happier person because she will learn to depend on herself to make herself happy, rather than expecting you do run interference for her every minute of the day. Not that you DO, just that she expects you to.</p><p> </p><p>I know it may be hard to do, but keep at it every day!!! Good Job!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 391881, member: 1233"] in my opinion it is incredibly important for you to MAKE this happen on a regular, daily or several times a day basis. Even though it may feel that you are reassuring her by being with her every minute, the reality is that you are teaching her that she cannot cope unless she is right there with you, that she is not capable of falling asleep unless you hold her, that she isn't really able to eat unless you are there to tell her she is okay and won't choke. It SEEMS, in the moment, that you are reassuring her, helping to make her feel like everything is fine. What she really gets is that she cannot handle things with-o you, because if she could then you would let her work through things on her own. I know that you don't say that, think that, want that, or in any way mean to imply that to her. It is just what the behavior of always being there to help her tells her. I don't watch Supernanny on any regular basis, but caught part of one a couple of weeks ago. The family had a four yo daughter who actually had damage to her vocal cords because she screamed so much for so long every time her dad left her eyesight. Every time he left she would pester for hugs, kisses, not let him go, etc... and then scream and cry and carry on. Dad would keep going back to her to reassure her that he was coming back, and together the family made a real big deal even if he was just going to run a ten minute errand. The nanny person said that this fuss was NOT helping, it was telling her that there WAS a reason for fear because if there was no reason then the dad would just go and not keep going back to kiss and hug and soothe her. The first time it happened after the nanny put some rules into place the girl screamed for a very long time, but with-in a day or so she wasn't fussing much at all. Dad would say he was going, give her a kiss and a hug, and then GO. Not dilly dally around, not try to soothe her (what's to soothe, it is normal, ordinary, no soothing is needed was the message they were sending with the new rules) or to keep trying to leave yet going to her over and over. In just a very short time the girl's "separation anxiety" was almost gone, and it was no big deal to have dad leave the house. in my opinion your daughter is getting the message that this little girl did, that she has REASON to worry because if she didn't then you would insist she do things by herself, even if she is bored, screams, yells, etc... You need to FORCE the issue and make her let you alone for a substantial amount of time every day, at least an hour - if not even more. Night time needs to be a time when she manages herself. Kids must be TAUGHT to amuse themselves, it is NOT something that all kids do automatically. it is a skill like anything else. It won't be easy to make this part of the routine, but it is a very very important thing to do, to make her spend time alone in a room, time WITHOUT you being right with her. It is something that ALL kids must learn at some point, and regardless of age they often do not see the point. It will make her more confident, more independent, and in the long run it will make her a happier person because she will learn to depend on herself to make herself happy, rather than expecting you do run interference for her every minute of the day. Not that you DO, just that she expects you to. I know it may be hard to do, but keep at it every day!!! Good Job!!!! [/QUOTE]
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