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Just feeling weak about the collateral damage
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 724614" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Sam, I am so sorry for the hurt of it. You have tried and tried and tried. Well, this is a place I have been to. Yup. Actually, probably still am at in the minds of my two. An f’in B. Broken items, holes in the walls, hello, Jerry Springer world. Doesn’t matter what <em>we</em> all have gone through, in their drugged minds, we are the problem, we don’t understand. Sigh. Keep praying for them to wake up, and I am stubbornly refusing to step backwards into active involvement as long as they are actively using. I can’t reach them, and they just walk all over my household. Okay steam roll over it. The giant sized one that presses smelly asphalt down. That’s what it all is, a smelly drug addicted road to h e double l and they will take down anyone nice enough to try to help. Asphalt. Ass fault. Everyone else’s fault but theirs. Sorry. On a roll with that one.</p><p>Flattened and stuck with tar and goo. Many, many times, that’s how I felt after another steam rolling episodic ending to another time trying.</p><p> Been there too, with young son witnessing the whole thing. Add in my three grands, wide eyed and clinging to each other. Drug crazed mother running circles outside my locked house screaming at the top of her lungs for God and everyone else to hear that I am just a f-ing haole (racial slur) B. Like 20 times. At 7:00 am.</p><p>This, after I had taken my grands in for yet another summer.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>Well.</p><p>We try. We love them, so we try.</p><p>No one can say you haven’t tried.</p><p> It is for his integrity as well, Sam, that you not allow your son to treat you this way. Your home. It is for him as well. We have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror, but in the end all, <em>so do they.</em></p><p> I believe it reaches a point where their abuse of us equals their drug crazed self abuse. Like toddlers throwing tantrums and continuing, even though they have gotten what they wanted.</p><p>There is no rhyme or reason to it.</p><p>Addiction is a hateful, demonic beast, devouring everything and everyone in its path.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Been here too, dear. It’s exhausting. I am so sorry.</p><p>It isn’t that I have given up on my two. I have given in to thinking that I am the one to help them. I don’t have the capacity, funds, and I am just<em> bloody over being used.</em></p><p><em>I just know they view me in their drug hazed minds as an opportunity, someone to hoodwink, manipulate and gaslight. I am as dangerous for them, as they are for me.</em></p><p>Yup, it’s hard this way also, knowing my two are out there doing <em>whatever</em>.</p><p>But, after so many years, I have come to realize that they will do what they do, no matter what.</p><p>I kept throwing the life line out. Instead of pulling them aboard the sobriety ship, they yanked us all into the addicts darky deep.</p><p>Do I love them?</p><p>Gulp.</p><p>With all of my heart.</p><p>It is truly either them or me.</p><p>I don’t hardly recognize them.</p><p>It is so not what I thought of long ago reading “The places you’ll go.”</p><p>It does not mean your son will be on this path as long as my two have.</p><p>He may have more of a chance, knowing that you will not put up with his shenanigans any more.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Don’t write the end of the story.</p><p> It is another Wednesday.</p><p>I am talking to myself too.</p><p>Exhale, inhale, breathe.</p><p>It has been a long hard road Sam.</p><p>Be kind to yourself.</p><p>I am so sorry.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 724614, member: 19522"] Hi Sam, I am so sorry for the hurt of it. You have tried and tried and tried. Well, this is a place I have been to. Yup. Actually, probably still am at in the minds of my two. An f’in B. Broken items, holes in the walls, hello, Jerry Springer world. Doesn’t matter what [I]we[/I] all have gone through, in their drugged minds, we are the problem, we don’t understand. Sigh. Keep praying for them to wake up, and I am stubbornly refusing to step backwards into active involvement as long as they are actively using. I can’t reach them, and they just walk all over my household. Okay steam roll over it. The giant sized one that presses smelly asphalt down. That’s what it all is, a smelly drug addicted road to h e double l and they will take down anyone nice enough to try to help. Asphalt. Ass fault. Everyone else’s fault but theirs. Sorry. On a roll with that one. Flattened and stuck with tar and goo. Many, many times, that’s how I felt after another steam rolling episodic ending to another time trying. Been there too, with young son witnessing the whole thing. Add in my three grands, wide eyed and clinging to each other. Drug crazed mother running circles outside my locked house screaming at the top of her lungs for God and everyone else to hear that I am just a f-ing haole (racial slur) B. Like 20 times. At 7:00 am. This, after I had taken my grands in for yet another summer. Sigh. Well. We try. We love them, so we try. No one can say you haven’t tried. It is for his integrity as well, Sam, that you not allow your son to treat you this way. Your home. It is for him as well. We have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror, but in the end all, [I]so do they.[/I] I believe it reaches a point where their abuse of us equals their drug crazed self abuse. Like toddlers throwing tantrums and continuing, even though they have gotten what they wanted. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Addiction is a hateful, demonic beast, devouring everything and everyone in its path. Been here too, dear. It’s exhausting. I am so sorry. It isn’t that I have given up on my two. I have given in to thinking that I am the one to help them. I don’t have the capacity, funds, and I am just[I] bloody over being used. I just know they view me in their drug hazed minds as an opportunity, someone to hoodwink, manipulate and gaslight. I am as dangerous for them, as they are for me.[/I] Yup, it’s hard this way also, knowing my two are out there doing [I]whatever[/I]. But, after so many years, I have come to realize that they will do what they do, no matter what. I kept throwing the life line out. Instead of pulling them aboard the sobriety ship, they yanked us all into the addicts darky deep. Do I love them? Gulp. With all of my heart. It is truly either them or me. I don’t hardly recognize them. It is so not what I thought of long ago reading “The places you’ll go.” It does not mean your son will be on this path as long as my two have. He may have more of a chance, knowing that you will not put up with his shenanigans any more. Don’t write the end of the story. It is another Wednesday. I am talking to myself too. Exhale, inhale, breathe. It has been a long hard road Sam. Be kind to yourself. I am so sorry. You are not alone. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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