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Just plain angry
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsieshaye" data-source="post: 486847" data-attributes="member: 12928"><p>Thanks, Everyone. I definitely hear what some of you are saying about letting go of the anger. But, frankly, right now it feels protective. I don't walk around all day angry - in fact, most of the time, I don't think about difficult child. But, when I do think about him calling me or getting in touch with me and wanting something from me - after everything that's happened - my stomach clenches and I naturally make choices that maintain my safe distance. I need a whole bunch of time to recover from the last few years, and then I can probably make better decisions about what kind of relationship, if any, I want with him. I just never anticipated not ever wanting to see or speak to my own child again, Know what I mean?? I'm actively journaling and daydreaming about what the rest of my life is going to look like without him in it. Not necessarily because I don't believe he and I will never be in contact again, but because I am trying to train myself to focus on my own life and not be so over-involved in thinking about his. I see it as an anti-codependency exercise, more than anything else. It's also stuff like thinking about what I'll need when I'm elderly, and making sure that all of my plans involve taking care of myself and my own needs, regardless of who happens to be in my life at the time. Idunno, I'm rambling, but this whole thing affects so many different parts of my life it's going to take me some time to process. At least now I know the anger isn't abnormal, or evidence that I'm some kind of heartless narcissist, but a normal response to grief and pain, and that it's ok to think of everything that's been happening as traumatic (because it was).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsieshaye, post: 486847, member: 12928"] Thanks, Everyone. I definitely hear what some of you are saying about letting go of the anger. But, frankly, right now it feels protective. I don't walk around all day angry - in fact, most of the time, I don't think about difficult child. But, when I do think about him calling me or getting in touch with me and wanting something from me - after everything that's happened - my stomach clenches and I naturally make choices that maintain my safe distance. I need a whole bunch of time to recover from the last few years, and then I can probably make better decisions about what kind of relationship, if any, I want with him. I just never anticipated not ever wanting to see or speak to my own child again, Know what I mean?? I'm actively journaling and daydreaming about what the rest of my life is going to look like without him in it. Not necessarily because I don't believe he and I will never be in contact again, but because I am trying to train myself to focus on my own life and not be so over-involved in thinking about his. I see it as an anti-codependency exercise, more than anything else. It's also stuff like thinking about what I'll need when I'm elderly, and making sure that all of my plans involve taking care of myself and my own needs, regardless of who happens to be in my life at the time. Idunno, I'm rambling, but this whole thing affects so many different parts of my life it's going to take me some time to process. At least now I know the anger isn't abnormal, or evidence that I'm some kind of heartless narcissist, but a normal response to grief and pain, and that it's ok to think of everything that's been happening as traumatic (because it was). [/QUOTE]
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