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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 487658" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Elsie, </p><p></p><p></p><p>I was asked an interesting question by my therapist when I felt the same way you do now about my son Dude. He said (and I quote) "If Dude were a person off the street, and not your son - a stranger per se; HOW long would you have put up with his bull?" </p><p></p><p>I answered almost immediately - "NOT at all I would have blah blah blah blah blah..." </p><p></p><p>Then the question was posed to me "Well why is it so acceptable to be abused by your family but not a stranger?" </p><p></p><p>I answered - "Well because......he's....um......well he's......(long exhale) and really no good answer." which was the correct answer because.......THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER ever to accepting abusive behavior. </p><p></p><p>So then feeling like you do - once Dude was out of the house? I still kept in therapy and I went though feelings of "Yippe to sadness." Then it was brought to my attention that when I was abused by my x; it took me years and years to get to a point where I could have a conversation with someone and not relive the horror stories I could talk about, or sit and actually think of ways I wanted him to feel pain like I did, and later understanding, and much later forgiveness to myself for letting myself go through something like that, and eventually it got to a point where I had healed so much, and so well personally that I knew I would NEVER again fall for anything like that in my life - not from a mate, a child, a friend - no one. It was for me through therapy that I eventually felt safe again. Happy for sure, and self-assured about my choices and empowered. </p><p></p><p>It also took me YEARS and years to figure out that no matter how much I wished it, or not matter how much I pushed my son in the right direction of help? THE HELP was there - he needed to reach out and help himself too. It took me YEARS to say the words "I AM A GOOD MOTHER." and mean it. It took me years to realize I'm smart, and a good person, and have things to offer the world - and it's okay to be angry - red hot angry - just how I reacted to my anger needed to be reigned in a bit and adjusted so I wouldn't look like a lunatic. </p><p></p><p>In my whole life no one EVER told me "Star, it's okay to angry! - Go ahead be mad about that." Instead I heard - Well don't get so upset about it, or Try not to be angry it will go away, things like that. Stiffling comments we all are told and even tell our kids that are damaging - because IT IS okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit, and punch and kick, and scream, and slam doors on peoples faces, and things like that - but if you are mad about your son and what he did or didn't do? That's okay. I even get mad at my higher Power - and oddly enough? He already knows it - (imagine that) so when I say OMG (literally) I am so mad with you -I'm usually in for a good long thought about everything. </p><p></p><p>I used to try and curb my anger by taking a baseball bat and walking in the woods and pounding the ground or hitting trees - (grass hates me trees fear me) but it accomplished nothing for years. I held stuff in for so long? When I exploded? Honey it was ten fourths of July - and it wasn't pretty. It's like a storage unit in my brain. THe bad stuff happens? I shove it in the unit and shut the door. More bad stuff happens? I shove it in a unit and shut the door....more stuff? Shove more, can't shut the door? Get a new unit - start over. I mean I did that for 38 years. Then when a little WOULD leak out? I'd literally be classified as nuts - (ever see a woman in the woods trying to stave off killing her kids by beating a tree with a ball bat?) Instead what I could have been doing was processing the information up front and stopping it in it's tracks. True I can't do a thing about the past - but I could stop renting more units....and in a sense I have. Now I deal with junk as it comes. As much for the past? I had severe PTSD anxiety and it took a lot of time in a therapists office and working out my feelings a little at a time and actually being honest and admitting I WASN"T JUST MAD.....I was #*(%$)@(*$_)@(+$ P)(%*)*($)*I hot! </p><p></p><p>So when Dude left? part of me WAS sad and part of me was overjoyed at the fact that no one would be here to upset me - and I got to work on ME. Odd thing - while I'm working on me - I detached from HIM - and offered little advice other than words of detachment.....for him....because that's part of the healing process too. He didn't want my advice and when I gave it? He didn't use it. (A slap) so I stopped trying to FIX things and just started looking at him like a person I hardly KNEW - that used to live with me. Because any son that I raised would NOT have treated me like that guy did. So in a sense he WAS a stranger.....and my son? WEll I figured he was on a vacation somewhere and would show up one day, we'd talk.....he'd admit what a royal jerk he was (and he has) but it took three years....of hard living, lifes knocks, and a Mother that set an example of how she WILL NOT BE TREATED by standing on my feet like you are and saying "NOPE" love you but.......</p><p></p><p>As far as the fear of needing the anger? Well I went through EMDR therapy too. One of the questions I had was "If I do this therapy will it make me like....soft hearted and so kind and sweet?" Because the only thing I had survived on and held onto for years was the fact that I acted like a cornered Tazmanian devil when antagonized - and it made me feel safe. I didn't want to "loose my edge" so to speak if say my X showed up and what my years of thinking was to do - was to walk away or if persued? Take action. I was afraid if I went through therapy and learned how to be ME again - I'd be so nice that I'd be abused again or killed if confronted by the ex. You don't loose....your edge. You gain - smarts on how NOT to get involved. And as far as being a warrior? Nothing changed. I'm still pretty tough for a chick, but NOW people that meet me KNOW how to treat me because of what boundaries I set.....ME setting them - NOT THEM dictating..ME. And I'm okay with sticking to them or telling people to buzz off. (albeit politely) - left the sailor mouth at ye old tavern. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if my son will EVER know what he did to me....or if YOUR son will EVER realize what a collosal jerk he's been to you. Honestly I think if they did know? They'd die from guilt. So what I hoped for was a time apart, a slate wiped clean with memories still in tact, forgiveness to a point, and willingness to carry on a civil conversation and offer basic generic detachement type advice if asked. </p><p></p><p>To me just the fact that you're even worried about the anger....tells me what an excellent Mom you are. I hadn't seen Dude in three years.....and I'm not sure it bothered me because it seemed there was always a crisis somewhere in his life - so staying away meant less BS for me, and happier days in which he got to work out his own solutions to his own self-created problems. (Growing pains) </p><p></p><p>You're doing super - !!!! </p><p>Just thought you needed to know you weren't rowing a boat with one oar in circles - You're getting somehwere! </p><p></p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 487658, member: 4964"] Elsie, I was asked an interesting question by my therapist when I felt the same way you do now about my son Dude. He said (and I quote) "If Dude were a person off the street, and not your son - a stranger per se; HOW long would you have put up with his bull?" I answered almost immediately - "NOT at all I would have blah blah blah blah blah..." Then the question was posed to me "Well why is it so acceptable to be abused by your family but not a stranger?" I answered - "Well because......he's....um......well he's......(long exhale) and really no good answer." which was the correct answer because.......THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER ever to accepting abusive behavior. So then feeling like you do - once Dude was out of the house? I still kept in therapy and I went though feelings of "Yippe to sadness." Then it was brought to my attention that when I was abused by my x; it took me years and years to get to a point where I could have a conversation with someone and not relive the horror stories I could talk about, or sit and actually think of ways I wanted him to feel pain like I did, and later understanding, and much later forgiveness to myself for letting myself go through something like that, and eventually it got to a point where I had healed so much, and so well personally that I knew I would NEVER again fall for anything like that in my life - not from a mate, a child, a friend - no one. It was for me through therapy that I eventually felt safe again. Happy for sure, and self-assured about my choices and empowered. It also took me YEARS and years to figure out that no matter how much I wished it, or not matter how much I pushed my son in the right direction of help? THE HELP was there - he needed to reach out and help himself too. It took me YEARS to say the words "I AM A GOOD MOTHER." and mean it. It took me years to realize I'm smart, and a good person, and have things to offer the world - and it's okay to be angry - red hot angry - just how I reacted to my anger needed to be reigned in a bit and adjusted so I wouldn't look like a lunatic. In my whole life no one EVER told me "Star, it's okay to angry! - Go ahead be mad about that." Instead I heard - Well don't get so upset about it, or Try not to be angry it will go away, things like that. Stiffling comments we all are told and even tell our kids that are damaging - because IT IS okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit, and punch and kick, and scream, and slam doors on peoples faces, and things like that - but if you are mad about your son and what he did or didn't do? That's okay. I even get mad at my higher Power - and oddly enough? He already knows it - (imagine that) so when I say OMG (literally) I am so mad with you -I'm usually in for a good long thought about everything. I used to try and curb my anger by taking a baseball bat and walking in the woods and pounding the ground or hitting trees - (grass hates me trees fear me) but it accomplished nothing for years. I held stuff in for so long? When I exploded? Honey it was ten fourths of July - and it wasn't pretty. It's like a storage unit in my brain. THe bad stuff happens? I shove it in the unit and shut the door. More bad stuff happens? I shove it in a unit and shut the door....more stuff? Shove more, can't shut the door? Get a new unit - start over. I mean I did that for 38 years. Then when a little WOULD leak out? I'd literally be classified as nuts - (ever see a woman in the woods trying to stave off killing her kids by beating a tree with a ball bat?) Instead what I could have been doing was processing the information up front and stopping it in it's tracks. True I can't do a thing about the past - but I could stop renting more units....and in a sense I have. Now I deal with junk as it comes. As much for the past? I had severe PTSD anxiety and it took a lot of time in a therapists office and working out my feelings a little at a time and actually being honest and admitting I WASN"T JUST MAD.....I was #*(%$)@(*$_)@(+$ P)(%*)*($)*I hot! So when Dude left? part of me WAS sad and part of me was overjoyed at the fact that no one would be here to upset me - and I got to work on ME. Odd thing - while I'm working on me - I detached from HIM - and offered little advice other than words of detachment.....for him....because that's part of the healing process too. He didn't want my advice and when I gave it? He didn't use it. (A slap) so I stopped trying to FIX things and just started looking at him like a person I hardly KNEW - that used to live with me. Because any son that I raised would NOT have treated me like that guy did. So in a sense he WAS a stranger.....and my son? WEll I figured he was on a vacation somewhere and would show up one day, we'd talk.....he'd admit what a royal jerk he was (and he has) but it took three years....of hard living, lifes knocks, and a Mother that set an example of how she WILL NOT BE TREATED by standing on my feet like you are and saying "NOPE" love you but....... As far as the fear of needing the anger? Well I went through EMDR therapy too. One of the questions I had was "If I do this therapy will it make me like....soft hearted and so kind and sweet?" Because the only thing I had survived on and held onto for years was the fact that I acted like a cornered Tazmanian devil when antagonized - and it made me feel safe. I didn't want to "loose my edge" so to speak if say my X showed up and what my years of thinking was to do - was to walk away or if persued? Take action. I was afraid if I went through therapy and learned how to be ME again - I'd be so nice that I'd be abused again or killed if confronted by the ex. You don't loose....your edge. You gain - smarts on how NOT to get involved. And as far as being a warrior? Nothing changed. I'm still pretty tough for a chick, but NOW people that meet me KNOW how to treat me because of what boundaries I set.....ME setting them - NOT THEM dictating..ME. And I'm okay with sticking to them or telling people to buzz off. (albeit politely) - left the sailor mouth at ye old tavern. I don't know if my son will EVER know what he did to me....or if YOUR son will EVER realize what a collosal jerk he's been to you. Honestly I think if they did know? They'd die from guilt. So what I hoped for was a time apart, a slate wiped clean with memories still in tact, forgiveness to a point, and willingness to carry on a civil conversation and offer basic generic detachement type advice if asked. To me just the fact that you're even worried about the anger....tells me what an excellent Mom you are. I hadn't seen Dude in three years.....and I'm not sure it bothered me because it seemed there was always a crisis somewhere in his life - so staying away meant less BS for me, and happier days in which he got to work out his own solutions to his own self-created problems. (Growing pains) You're doing super - !!!! Just thought you needed to know you weren't rowing a boat with one oar in circles - You're getting somehwere! Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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