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General Parenting
Just told difficult child she is not welcome back home. Am I wrong?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 633159" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there and I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting. You should probably post on Parent Emeritus as this forum is for children who are still not of legal age. The Parent Emeritus forum is for adult children, 18 and over. And many of us have felt it was necessary to our sanity and peace of mind as well as for the welfare of our adult children to make them move out. It does not help any twenty year old if we enable their unwillingness to work or act like adults, to do their laundry while they steal from us and swear at us and deface our property and, worst of all, use drugs. Often, we are not sure of what drugs they are using or even if there are drugs involved, but with this type of behavior drugs usually are a factor. By age twenty, the adult should either be in school or have a full time job and, if living at home, do chores, be kind to all household members, help out with the bills, pay for their own toys, etc. It should not be the other way around. They are not fourteen. They are old enough to fight in the military and many adults of twenty do. They are old enough to be a junior in a rigorous college course. They are old enough to secure full time employment if neither appeals to them. Either way they are too old to sleep all day, use your car on your dime, eat your dinners without washing the dishes, throw their dirty clothes around, basically act like overgrown toddlers. We do them no favors by paying them to continue refusing to grow up and behave in a respectful manner. If she is mentally ill, she is the one who needs to take responsibility for her illness, go to appointment, take her medications, be in compliance...nobody else can do that for her and mental illness is not excuse not to work. I have a rather severe mood and anxiety disorder...I am the one who has to take control of it and it is not an excuse to act like a toddler. If she is truly disabled, there are adult services for her.I also have a ton of severe learning disabilities, including face blindness. I have a son on the autism spectrum who lives on his own with adult services and he is always outdoing what everyone expects because he tries so hard.</p><p></p><p>I suggest reading some of the stories on the Parent Emeritus forum. There are some great moms there, far better able to express their thoughts than I am. Anyone on Parent Emeritus has been through the ringer and many are still going through what you are. In the meantime, in my opinion, I would cut off her money train. If she gets abusive over that, let her leave. She can get a job, then she'll have money. She doesn't have to live in a mansion. She can rent a room for cheap in somebody's home. Of course, they won't let her if she breaks society's rules, messes up, uses drugs, or doesn't pay, but she is old enough to learn natural consequences. I would take many steps back and learn detachment. I have a great book for you called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's a must read for all of us who have difficult adult children whom we feel guilty detaching from...it was a real eye opener for me. I used to think I had to take care of EVERYONE! (Except myself...that would be selfish...)</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Hope to see you in Parent Emeritus!!!! Do you have any other children who may need your attention too? Do you think your husband will want to have to support your adult daughter? Your daughter is no more important than them or than you! (That was a new concept to me when I first heard it and I had trouble accepting it, but it's really true. We all have equal value).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 633159, member: 1550"] Hi there and I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting. You should probably post on Parent Emeritus as this forum is for children who are still not of legal age. The Parent Emeritus forum is for adult children, 18 and over. And many of us have felt it was necessary to our sanity and peace of mind as well as for the welfare of our adult children to make them move out. It does not help any twenty year old if we enable their unwillingness to work or act like adults, to do their laundry while they steal from us and swear at us and deface our property and, worst of all, use drugs. Often, we are not sure of what drugs they are using or even if there are drugs involved, but with this type of behavior drugs usually are a factor. By age twenty, the adult should either be in school or have a full time job and, if living at home, do chores, be kind to all household members, help out with the bills, pay for their own toys, etc. It should not be the other way around. They are not fourteen. They are old enough to fight in the military and many adults of twenty do. They are old enough to be a junior in a rigorous college course. They are old enough to secure full time employment if neither appeals to them. Either way they are too old to sleep all day, use your car on your dime, eat your dinners without washing the dishes, throw their dirty clothes around, basically act like overgrown toddlers. We do them no favors by paying them to continue refusing to grow up and behave in a respectful manner. If she is mentally ill, she is the one who needs to take responsibility for her illness, go to appointment, take her medications, be in compliance...nobody else can do that for her and mental illness is not excuse not to work. I have a rather severe mood and anxiety disorder...I am the one who has to take control of it and it is not an excuse to act like a toddler. If she is truly disabled, there are adult services for her.I also have a ton of severe learning disabilities, including face blindness. I have a son on the autism spectrum who lives on his own with adult services and he is always outdoing what everyone expects because he tries so hard. I suggest reading some of the stories on the Parent Emeritus forum. There are some great moms there, far better able to express their thoughts than I am. Anyone on Parent Emeritus has been through the ringer and many are still going through what you are. In the meantime, in my opinion, I would cut off her money train. If she gets abusive over that, let her leave. She can get a job, then she'll have money. She doesn't have to live in a mansion. She can rent a room for cheap in somebody's home. Of course, they won't let her if she breaks society's rules, messes up, uses drugs, or doesn't pay, but she is old enough to learn natural consequences. I would take many steps back and learn detachment. I have a great book for you called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's a must read for all of us who have difficult adult children whom we feel guilty detaching from...it was a real eye opener for me. I used to think I had to take care of EVERYONE! (Except myself...that would be selfish...) Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Hope to see you in Parent Emeritus!!!! Do you have any other children who may need your attention too? Do you think your husband will want to have to support your adult daughter? Your daughter is no more important than them or than you! (That was a new concept to me when I first heard it and I had trouble accepting it, but it's really true. We all have equal value). [/QUOTE]
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Just told difficult child she is not welcome back home. Am I wrong?
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