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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 369741" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm glad you talked to the police and had it recorded. I didn't expect they would do anything, but it starts the paper trail. You also need to have any letters etc to him copied, so you have a record of having formally notified bro of your requirement for no contact, and the consequences for breaching this.</p><p></p><p>So, the steps in order - </p><p></p><p>1) Notify bro in writing that since interactions with him have been so upsetting in the past and caused considerable distress, he is not to contact you or any member of your immediate family (specify by name) again. And that contact is every form of contact - no phone calls, no snail mail, no email, no personal appearances. If bro is anywhere you happen to be and doesn't leaved, you will leave. If bro turns up on your turf and bro would have known its your turf, you WILL contact the police. And that you have already contacted the police after his most recent unauthorised entry to your home which caused more needless distress to all occupants.</p><p></p><p>2) Set up a block on your email so incoming emails from bro are sidelined into a special mail box and at the same time a warning note appears on your computer alerting you to an unauthorised message; plus a "bounce" message goes back to bro basically saying, "You just breached my formal request for no contact. You have previously been warned in writing to not contact any member of this family by any means ever again. Evidence of your breach of this no-contact request have now been forwarded to the police."</p><p></p><p>3) Let your parents know that you are doing this and it is not a game; it is to be taken seriously, your family have endured too much for too long. You do not require your parents to have no contact with him; just to respect your requirement for no contact with him. Any attempt to get around this (especially if the attempts are at bro's instigation) will sadly result in you having to extend your ban to your parents as well. Of course you don't want to be forced into this, but your kids now have to take priority, over badly behaved adults.</p><p></p><p>4) Get ready to keep a file. Diarise all events and be detailed as well as comprehensive. Don't let anything slide - your bro is likely to use "salami tactics" (slice by slice, getting past your defences) so have your line drawn in cement, not sand. Go back and also diarise past events. Whenever you feel pressured to relax your rules, read your diary of past issues.</p><p></p><p>I have a 'friend' and neighbour who is a lot like your gfgbro. I keep my interactions with this guy to a minimum, so I am less tempted to murder. But I've heard this guy go on about people he's supposed to be working with, and been taken aback by the mind games he admits to playing. He's also been a bit erratic at times with me, got nasty because something was bugging him and I was a handy target to make himself feel better, by trying to make me feel bad about myself (not easy; he probably thought he'd succeeded). He's also very good at antagonising the people he most needs on side. I've noticed that most of his relationships (friends, colleagues, family etc) he tends to erode after a certain point, almost as if he gets bored with too much familiarity. He can deliberately sabotage relationships too, I think that time he blasted me verbally was a perverse attempt to damage my friendship with him. But I didn't take it personally, because I'm sure his spray was saying far more about his own lack of self-esteem plus jealousy of me, than of any real problem he had with me. But I do keep my contact with him to a minimum. It works for me.</p><p>This guy will be extremely obsessed about an activity, he will see it as his ultimate career path. Then if it gets too difficult or he has upset too many people, it can change to being passe, beneath him.</p><p></p><p>The difference here is - I can take or leave what my friend says, I have the option of walking away and staying below his radar. But family don't have that option and that luxury. Also, my friend has little to no credibility in the village, so anything he might say about me to anyone wouldn't be heard. Plus he's alienated himself so far, that he has few people prepared to talk to him. I have cut off all information about me of a sensitive nature, so nobody knows anything about me which could be a problem. I did this early on in my friendship with this guy because there was something about him I did not trust; and he proved himself to be untrustworthy.</p><p>Again - this is difficult with family when people will tell other family members stuff you don't want spread around.</p><p></p><p>So the final thing you have to do - censor everything you say to anyone who still has dealings with gfgbro. That includes your mother. So any medication changes for your kids, any problems the kids are having, any health scares, any change in phone number, any change in your finances - say nothing. Keep the conversation revolving around your mother's health, you mother's bills, your mother's issues. People generally want to talk about themselves anyway, so it should't be too difficult to get her talking about herself. However, if she is the sort of person to probe a lot anyway, that could be difficult. And if gfgbro is behind the scenes nagging her to find out this or that about you, then again, she will be asking probing questions. Make it clear to her that no information about you or your family is to be passed back to bro.</p><p></p><p>I had to go through a similar self-censorship some years ago when a former friend began to gossip nastily about me, attempting to sabotage my reputation. He did it cleverly (married to a lawyer) and for several years, I had to stop confiding in even closest friends. There was a church retreat at the time that I had to remove myself from, because I knew that people would have to share personal stuff and I needed to keep a lot of stuff private. I still might have had my confidentiality respected, but if anything came out, it would be my church friends I would suspect, so I stayed away and continued to shut up.</p><p></p><p>It's hard to not confide in people, especially when you have a history of telling them everything. But I found it was a very valuable experience, it taught me to have more confidence in myself and my own abilities to think things through without always using other people as a sounding board.</p><p></p><p>You've made a decision with gfgbro. Now you have to show your kids what it means to follow through.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 369741, member: 1991"] I'm glad you talked to the police and had it recorded. I didn't expect they would do anything, but it starts the paper trail. You also need to have any letters etc to him copied, so you have a record of having formally notified bro of your requirement for no contact, and the consequences for breaching this. So, the steps in order - 1) Notify bro in writing that since interactions with him have been so upsetting in the past and caused considerable distress, he is not to contact you or any member of your immediate family (specify by name) again. And that contact is every form of contact - no phone calls, no snail mail, no email, no personal appearances. If bro is anywhere you happen to be and doesn't leaved, you will leave. If bro turns up on your turf and bro would have known its your turf, you WILL contact the police. And that you have already contacted the police after his most recent unauthorised entry to your home which caused more needless distress to all occupants. 2) Set up a block on your email so incoming emails from bro are sidelined into a special mail box and at the same time a warning note appears on your computer alerting you to an unauthorised message; plus a "bounce" message goes back to bro basically saying, "You just breached my formal request for no contact. You have previously been warned in writing to not contact any member of this family by any means ever again. Evidence of your breach of this no-contact request have now been forwarded to the police." 3) Let your parents know that you are doing this and it is not a game; it is to be taken seriously, your family have endured too much for too long. You do not require your parents to have no contact with him; just to respect your requirement for no contact with him. Any attempt to get around this (especially if the attempts are at bro's instigation) will sadly result in you having to extend your ban to your parents as well. Of course you don't want to be forced into this, but your kids now have to take priority, over badly behaved adults. 4) Get ready to keep a file. Diarise all events and be detailed as well as comprehensive. Don't let anything slide - your bro is likely to use "salami tactics" (slice by slice, getting past your defences) so have your line drawn in cement, not sand. Go back and also diarise past events. Whenever you feel pressured to relax your rules, read your diary of past issues. I have a 'friend' and neighbour who is a lot like your gfgbro. I keep my interactions with this guy to a minimum, so I am less tempted to murder. But I've heard this guy go on about people he's supposed to be working with, and been taken aback by the mind games he admits to playing. He's also been a bit erratic at times with me, got nasty because something was bugging him and I was a handy target to make himself feel better, by trying to make me feel bad about myself (not easy; he probably thought he'd succeeded). He's also very good at antagonising the people he most needs on side. I've noticed that most of his relationships (friends, colleagues, family etc) he tends to erode after a certain point, almost as if he gets bored with too much familiarity. He can deliberately sabotage relationships too, I think that time he blasted me verbally was a perverse attempt to damage my friendship with him. But I didn't take it personally, because I'm sure his spray was saying far more about his own lack of self-esteem plus jealousy of me, than of any real problem he had with me. But I do keep my contact with him to a minimum. It works for me. This guy will be extremely obsessed about an activity, he will see it as his ultimate career path. Then if it gets too difficult or he has upset too many people, it can change to being passe, beneath him. The difference here is - I can take or leave what my friend says, I have the option of walking away and staying below his radar. But family don't have that option and that luxury. Also, my friend has little to no credibility in the village, so anything he might say about me to anyone wouldn't be heard. Plus he's alienated himself so far, that he has few people prepared to talk to him. I have cut off all information about me of a sensitive nature, so nobody knows anything about me which could be a problem. I did this early on in my friendship with this guy because there was something about him I did not trust; and he proved himself to be untrustworthy. Again - this is difficult with family when people will tell other family members stuff you don't want spread around. So the final thing you have to do - censor everything you say to anyone who still has dealings with gfgbro. That includes your mother. So any medication changes for your kids, any problems the kids are having, any health scares, any change in phone number, any change in your finances - say nothing. Keep the conversation revolving around your mother's health, you mother's bills, your mother's issues. People generally want to talk about themselves anyway, so it should't be too difficult to get her talking about herself. However, if she is the sort of person to probe a lot anyway, that could be difficult. And if gfgbro is behind the scenes nagging her to find out this or that about you, then again, she will be asking probing questions. Make it clear to her that no information about you or your family is to be passed back to bro. I had to go through a similar self-censorship some years ago when a former friend began to gossip nastily about me, attempting to sabotage my reputation. He did it cleverly (married to a lawyer) and for several years, I had to stop confiding in even closest friends. There was a church retreat at the time that I had to remove myself from, because I knew that people would have to share personal stuff and I needed to keep a lot of stuff private. I still might have had my confidentiality respected, but if anything came out, it would be my church friends I would suspect, so I stayed away and continued to shut up. It's hard to not confide in people, especially when you have a history of telling them everything. But I found it was a very valuable experience, it taught me to have more confidence in myself and my own abilities to think things through without always using other people as a sounding board. You've made a decision with gfgbro. Now you have to show your kids what it means to follow through. Marg [/QUOTE]
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