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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 369850" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You are right, it wouldn't solve anything. It would also be working back down at is level. It would also put you in the villain role and give him justification to claim to be the victim.</p><p></p><p>However, there are better ways. </p><p></p><p>Get the stress level and the trauma level documented by the psychiatrists. All measures taken, all medical expenses - keep all the information with a view to making a financial claim. Of course he won't pay it, but it needs to be made clear, he has caused trauma (whether he intended to or not) and even if all he was doing was dropping in on his sister to give his niece a birthday present, the issue is THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS PERCEIVED.</p><p></p><p>I saw a doctor once for a routine pap smear; I was a young,single uni student who was an innocent abroad. The doctor (male) seemed a bit too "enthusiastic" in is work, wanting to test for "normal clitoral sensation" among other things. I was a virgin on the PIll for bad period pain.</p><p></p><p>Next time I had to go to that clinic, I requested a female doctor. I just happened to get the head of the clinic, who is now a big name in family planning. She asked me for details and I told her. I also said I hadn't wanted to make a fuss or loudly object, because he might not have intended to do the wrong thing and could have said it was just my dirty mind. What she said next has stuck with me - "It doesn't matter if the doctor was simply doing his job; if YOU felt uncomfortable, he was doing the wrong thing. You always have the right to ask him to stop. You always have the right to have someone else with you. And you always have the right to have a sheet over you during an examination, he should not have had you totally naked on the table."</p><p></p><p>Looking back, I think I must have accidentally send "I want you" messages to the do, because he said he wanted to do a breast check as well as a pap smear, and I gritted my teeth and stripped off, not knowing I should have asked for privacy and a sheet. I am sure if he had been questioned he would have said I had apparently "asked for it" but as the supervising doctor said later - I was an innocent, he was the professional. It was his job to tell me how I should behave in that situation, his job to say, "here is a gown, here is a sheet, here is a curtain behind which you can undress."</p><p>And if he had suspected I was possibly making a pass at him, it was his job to call in a nurse to supervise and act as his witness that he was doing nothing wrong.</p><p></p><p>It is possible, in a situation that seems a bit "grey" (as in this case, when your bro can claim he was just family dropping in on his niece for her birthday) to never forge, that the important thing here is NOT his actual intentions, not even his stated intentions, but the impact from what he has done.</p><p></p><p>Let's say your bro is your most favourite person in the whole world. He has brought his niece a birthday present - a pet spider! He believes she will love it, since HE loves spiders. But she has just recently been badly bitten by a spider (unknown to him) and the sight of her large, hairy birthday present causes her to regress into serious PTSD. She runs in panic, runs through the closed glass door and cuts herself badly. Who is financially responsible for her medical bills?</p><p></p><p>Culpability is tricky to work out, but as you peel away the players, it becomes more apparent. Your bro is NOT your most favourite person, you have told him and previously made it clear - do not visit! </p><p>Your kids have already been traumatised. Their reactions on that day show the damage done BY HIM previously. </p><p>Your behaviour at the time of his visit show that you were consistent with your previous "no contact" request and that he was not welcome (therefore was trespassing).</p><p>The result from all this is a considerable increase in trauma from the kids.</p><p></p><p>So it doesn't matter what bro claims. There was enough there, including previous warnings, that this would be cause for action on your part. He cannot claim that this is a surprise, or that he had no idea it would cause tis mush fear and distress - why should yo be afraid of him? The issue is, you ARE. and IT DID.</p><p></p><p>You have some legal rope to throttle him with. Use it and enjoy it. Considering how much he has tried to control you, using the legal rope is a way for you to become empowered.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 369850, member: 1991"] You are right, it wouldn't solve anything. It would also be working back down at is level. It would also put you in the villain role and give him justification to claim to be the victim. However, there are better ways. Get the stress level and the trauma level documented by the psychiatrists. All measures taken, all medical expenses - keep all the information with a view to making a financial claim. Of course he won't pay it, but it needs to be made clear, he has caused trauma (whether he intended to or not) and even if all he was doing was dropping in on his sister to give his niece a birthday present, the issue is THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS PERCEIVED. I saw a doctor once for a routine pap smear; I was a young,single uni student who was an innocent abroad. The doctor (male) seemed a bit too "enthusiastic" in is work, wanting to test for "normal clitoral sensation" among other things. I was a virgin on the PIll for bad period pain. Next time I had to go to that clinic, I requested a female doctor. I just happened to get the head of the clinic, who is now a big name in family planning. She asked me for details and I told her. I also said I hadn't wanted to make a fuss or loudly object, because he might not have intended to do the wrong thing and could have said it was just my dirty mind. What she said next has stuck with me - "It doesn't matter if the doctor was simply doing his job; if YOU felt uncomfortable, he was doing the wrong thing. You always have the right to ask him to stop. You always have the right to have someone else with you. And you always have the right to have a sheet over you during an examination, he should not have had you totally naked on the table." Looking back, I think I must have accidentally send "I want you" messages to the do, because he said he wanted to do a breast check as well as a pap smear, and I gritted my teeth and stripped off, not knowing I should have asked for privacy and a sheet. I am sure if he had been questioned he would have said I had apparently "asked for it" but as the supervising doctor said later - I was an innocent, he was the professional. It was his job to tell me how I should behave in that situation, his job to say, "here is a gown, here is a sheet, here is a curtain behind which you can undress." And if he had suspected I was possibly making a pass at him, it was his job to call in a nurse to supervise and act as his witness that he was doing nothing wrong. It is possible, in a situation that seems a bit "grey" (as in this case, when your bro can claim he was just family dropping in on his niece for her birthday) to never forge, that the important thing here is NOT his actual intentions, not even his stated intentions, but the impact from what he has done. Let's say your bro is your most favourite person in the whole world. He has brought his niece a birthday present - a pet spider! He believes she will love it, since HE loves spiders. But she has just recently been badly bitten by a spider (unknown to him) and the sight of her large, hairy birthday present causes her to regress into serious PTSD. She runs in panic, runs through the closed glass door and cuts herself badly. Who is financially responsible for her medical bills? Culpability is tricky to work out, but as you peel away the players, it becomes more apparent. Your bro is NOT your most favourite person, you have told him and previously made it clear - do not visit! Your kids have already been traumatised. Their reactions on that day show the damage done BY HIM previously. Your behaviour at the time of his visit show that you were consistent with your previous "no contact" request and that he was not welcome (therefore was trespassing). The result from all this is a considerable increase in trauma from the kids. So it doesn't matter what bro claims. There was enough there, including previous warnings, that this would be cause for action on your part. He cannot claim that this is a surprise, or that he had no idea it would cause tis mush fear and distress - why should yo be afraid of him? The issue is, you ARE. and IT DID. You have some legal rope to throttle him with. Use it and enjoy it. Considering how much he has tried to control you, using the legal rope is a way for you to become empowered. Marg [/QUOTE]
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