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K is gravitating to the *bad* G'sFG...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 199759" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>There are good difficult children. That said, I went through a stage with difficult child 1 when I had to ban his friends from our house. Only one of them has a diagnosis (Asperger's, I found out years later - makes sense). But the other two were a real worry. One in particular would say things (in OUR home!) to difficult child 3 like, "If you don't leave me along, I'll kill you."</p><p></p><p>OK, you don't say that to my autistic son in the home where he should be able to feel safe. I know the boy wouldn't have done any serious physical harm, but it was very bad modelling and also very inappropriate. The funny thing was, I mentioned to difficult child 1's teacher that I had had to ban some of difficult child 3's friends and they thought I meant the Aspie mate. "Oh yes," they said. "He is big, very unpredictable, very dangerous."</p><p>I said to them, "Oh no, HE is always welcome. I have always found him to be considerate and well-behaved." </p><p>They looked at me with total amazement.</p><p>I later found that some very nasty rumours were circulating round the school about the Aspie young man - rumours he never deserved but which still led to him being "told to not come back for the final year". His mother didn't know enough about rights to fight for him. So sad. And now difficult child 1 is getting married -that same young man, also in a long-term stable relationship with a rather unusual but lovely girl, is difficult child 1's Best Man. The others are also invited - they're still a bit unpredictable, but I lifted the ban on them a few years later once they had proven to me that they could respect all people in my home.</p><p></p><p>As far as playdates go - I found that if I tried to restrict playdates to only the kids I approved of, I would have very lonely kids. As they got older they had more freedom of movement and they would organise their own outings. difficult child 1 would bring his banned friends home and they would obediently wait outside the gate until difficult child 1 was ready to go out and play.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 originally met these 'weird kids' when his school organised a sort of "brat camp" only they didn't sell it to us in any such terms, they called it a camp to build self-esteem and social skills. The other kids on that camp were these other 'problem' kids, the ones that had been identified as potentially violent. Before the camp difficult child 1 had some good friends in the "good kid" group. After the camp, the good kids were too scared to come near the new friends difficult child 1 had hanging around.</p><p></p><p>What I ended up doing was closely monitoring them as much as I could. I'm a fairly approachable person (despite banning them from the house) and I made it clear they could always talk to me, I wouldn't get upset at swearing, apparent impoliteness (because they often don't think - if they are TRYING to be deliberately disrespectful, it's STILL better to not notice and give them a payoff) or any difficult topic they raised. I was careful to not undermine any parental authority although sometimes I might offer to talk to a parent for them. Only once did any of them try to embarrass me with a particularly 'blue' joke. Only once. I think I scarred them for life.</p><p></p><p>If you have the other child over to visit you, you achieve two things:</p><p></p><p>1) You give the other parent a break. They then owe you.</p><p></p><p>2) YOU are the parent keeping a close eye on the kids right under your nose. You are therefore in a position to closely monitor behaviour and nip any problems in the bud.</p><p></p><p>When the invitation went the other way, I went along too and sat to talk to the other parent. Again, I was on the spot if needed. It also gave me a chance to find out what the other parent was really like.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 199759, member: 1991"] There are good difficult children. That said, I went through a stage with difficult child 1 when I had to ban his friends from our house. Only one of them has a diagnosis (Asperger's, I found out years later - makes sense). But the other two were a real worry. One in particular would say things (in OUR home!) to difficult child 3 like, "If you don't leave me along, I'll kill you." OK, you don't say that to my autistic son in the home where he should be able to feel safe. I know the boy wouldn't have done any serious physical harm, but it was very bad modelling and also very inappropriate. The funny thing was, I mentioned to difficult child 1's teacher that I had had to ban some of difficult child 3's friends and they thought I meant the Aspie mate. "Oh yes," they said. "He is big, very unpredictable, very dangerous." I said to them, "Oh no, HE is always welcome. I have always found him to be considerate and well-behaved." They looked at me with total amazement. I later found that some very nasty rumours were circulating round the school about the Aspie young man - rumours he never deserved but which still led to him being "told to not come back for the final year". His mother didn't know enough about rights to fight for him. So sad. And now difficult child 1 is getting married -that same young man, also in a long-term stable relationship with a rather unusual but lovely girl, is difficult child 1's Best Man. The others are also invited - they're still a bit unpredictable, but I lifted the ban on them a few years later once they had proven to me that they could respect all people in my home. As far as playdates go - I found that if I tried to restrict playdates to only the kids I approved of, I would have very lonely kids. As they got older they had more freedom of movement and they would organise their own outings. difficult child 1 would bring his banned friends home and they would obediently wait outside the gate until difficult child 1 was ready to go out and play. difficult child 1 originally met these 'weird kids' when his school organised a sort of "brat camp" only they didn't sell it to us in any such terms, they called it a camp to build self-esteem and social skills. The other kids on that camp were these other 'problem' kids, the ones that had been identified as potentially violent. Before the camp difficult child 1 had some good friends in the "good kid" group. After the camp, the good kids were too scared to come near the new friends difficult child 1 had hanging around. What I ended up doing was closely monitoring them as much as I could. I'm a fairly approachable person (despite banning them from the house) and I made it clear they could always talk to me, I wouldn't get upset at swearing, apparent impoliteness (because they often don't think - if they are TRYING to be deliberately disrespectful, it's STILL better to not notice and give them a payoff) or any difficult topic they raised. I was careful to not undermine any parental authority although sometimes I might offer to talk to a parent for them. Only once did any of them try to embarrass me with a particularly 'blue' joke. Only once. I think I scarred them for life. If you have the other child over to visit you, you achieve two things: 1) You give the other parent a break. They then owe you. 2) YOU are the parent keeping a close eye on the kids right under your nose. You are therefore in a position to closely monitor behaviour and nip any problems in the bud. When the invitation went the other way, I went along too and sat to talk to the other parent. Again, I was on the spot if needed. It also gave me a chance to find out what the other parent was really like. Marg [/QUOTE]
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