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Substance Abuse
Kicked 18 year old son out, I'm struggling with it
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<blockquote data-quote="Sierramom3" data-source="post: 685148" data-attributes="member: 20263"><p>Dear amiracle,</p><p>I kicked my 18 year old son out Sunday morning. I've been a wreck (though I let him come home last night... more on that in a minute) - it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Our troubles with him began in his 9th grade year. He was caught with pot at school and expelled. Put on diversion (failed), then informal probation (failed), then formal probation. He and his friends stole and wrecked my car twice. He was selling Xanax, doing coke, acid, who knows what else. He made it to high school and within a couple months he was expelled. He then attended the alternative high school where he was again expelled. He has spent two of the last three years in 3 different residential facilities. It takes awhile, but off the drugs he gradually becomes a decent person again, one who can take other peoples' perspectives. </p><p></p><p>My husband and I are exhausted. Divorce is pending - I can't blame this on our son; ironically, he is the reason we are still together. I don't know if I could handle him alone.</p><p></p><p>Well, a few months ago, after he turned 18 in December, he was released from probation. Things were going well. He had a girlfriend and they hung around the house a lot, stayed out of trouble. He started taking a couple college courses and getting A's on everything. Working with his Dad. We helped him buy a car - he owes us about $3000 for it. He said, "Mom, I'm so happy." I really felt like maybe we had turned a corner. </p><p></p><p>Then things started falling apart. The girlfriend slept with his best friend. So he started going out more. He started smoking a LOT of pot; so high, I swore he was drunk. Maybe he was on something else, but pot was all I found in his room (but also oils and dabs - alternate forms of cannabis.) He was working for my husband but started to skip out early, totally unmotivated. He blew the engine of his car - had some stupid friend change the oil; who really knows what happened. Lies and more lies. Never taking responsibility for anything, blaming anyone else but himself.</p><p></p><p>Each weekend he pushed the limits more and more. He really never even tries to cover his tracks. That's always been interesting to me. I just don't get it.</p><p></p><p>I finally had enough Sunday morning and kicked him out. He ended up breaking into two friends' trailers that were being stored on some property we own; he and his girlfriend were having a nice little party in the trailers. </p><p></p><p>One thing that is very hard for me to grasp: I had some experience with partying in my younger days. But I could compartmentalize my work/school/partying. I never let the partying get in the way of work or school. I had goals and I met them. I never was a liar or thief or idiot. I've asked him to try to recognize that he is "spinning out of control." He just can't maintain any type of productive, honorable life when he uses. I guess I am coming to grasp with the fact that he is an addict, plain and simple. </p><p></p><p>He called yesterday and asked about Job Corps. He wants to go there with his girlfriend (she is leaving soon). He's doing this because she is and he has no other options/ideas. It's a federal facility - totally free - that offers housing, food, and job training; then they help you find a job. I called and checked it all out and it's true - he can leave in about 3 weeks. BUT, they won't take him if he has any open charges or violations. In the interest of keeping him out of trouble and getting him there I met him for dinner last night and said he could come back home until he leaves.</p><p></p><p>This has forever changed my life. I'm scared to death of the future - afraid he will never get it together and I'll have to worry about him constantly. There is some shame and embarrassment, too. I've never really been that type of person - the one that cares what others think. But I do now. Our kids are a reflection of ourselves, right? I mourn the loss of my happy little family. Where once there 5, there will soon be only 3. My other two kids and gone through the same types of emotions, too. </p><p></p><p>Maybe I told you too many details in this... but it's cathartic to get it out here where I know you're all familiar with this. Thanks in advance for any comments you might have. God bless all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sierramom3, post: 685148, member: 20263"] Dear amiracle, I kicked my 18 year old son out Sunday morning. I've been a wreck (though I let him come home last night... more on that in a minute) - it's the hardest thing I've ever done. Our troubles with him began in his 9th grade year. He was caught with pot at school and expelled. Put on diversion (failed), then informal probation (failed), then formal probation. He and his friends stole and wrecked my car twice. He was selling Xanax, doing coke, acid, who knows what else. He made it to high school and within a couple months he was expelled. He then attended the alternative high school where he was again expelled. He has spent two of the last three years in 3 different residential facilities. It takes awhile, but off the drugs he gradually becomes a decent person again, one who can take other peoples' perspectives. My husband and I are exhausted. Divorce is pending - I can't blame this on our son; ironically, he is the reason we are still together. I don't know if I could handle him alone. Well, a few months ago, after he turned 18 in December, he was released from probation. Things were going well. He had a girlfriend and they hung around the house a lot, stayed out of trouble. He started taking a couple college courses and getting A's on everything. Working with his Dad. We helped him buy a car - he owes us about $3000 for it. He said, "Mom, I'm so happy." I really felt like maybe we had turned a corner. Then things started falling apart. The girlfriend slept with his best friend. So he started going out more. He started smoking a LOT of pot; so high, I swore he was drunk. Maybe he was on something else, but pot was all I found in his room (but also oils and dabs - alternate forms of cannabis.) He was working for my husband but started to skip out early, totally unmotivated. He blew the engine of his car - had some stupid friend change the oil; who really knows what happened. Lies and more lies. Never taking responsibility for anything, blaming anyone else but himself. Each weekend he pushed the limits more and more. He really never even tries to cover his tracks. That's always been interesting to me. I just don't get it. I finally had enough Sunday morning and kicked him out. He ended up breaking into two friends' trailers that were being stored on some property we own; he and his girlfriend were having a nice little party in the trailers. One thing that is very hard for me to grasp: I had some experience with partying in my younger days. But I could compartmentalize my work/school/partying. I never let the partying get in the way of work or school. I had goals and I met them. I never was a liar or thief or idiot. I've asked him to try to recognize that he is "spinning out of control." He just can't maintain any type of productive, honorable life when he uses. I guess I am coming to grasp with the fact that he is an addict, plain and simple. He called yesterday and asked about Job Corps. He wants to go there with his girlfriend (she is leaving soon). He's doing this because she is and he has no other options/ideas. It's a federal facility - totally free - that offers housing, food, and job training; then they help you find a job. I called and checked it all out and it's true - he can leave in about 3 weeks. BUT, they won't take him if he has any open charges or violations. In the interest of keeping him out of trouble and getting him there I met him for dinner last night and said he could come back home until he leaves. This has forever changed my life. I'm scared to death of the future - afraid he will never get it together and I'll have to worry about him constantly. There is some shame and embarrassment, too. I've never really been that type of person - the one that cares what others think. But I do now. Our kids are a reflection of ourselves, right? I mourn the loss of my happy little family. Where once there 5, there will soon be only 3. My other two kids and gone through the same types of emotions, too. Maybe I told you too many details in this... but it's cathartic to get it out here where I know you're all familiar with this. Thanks in advance for any comments you might have. God bless all. [/QUOTE]
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