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Kicked out 18 yr old son today....how did I get here?
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 733543" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Showme,</p><p>Welcome and I am so sorry for your need to be here. It is so hard when our kids go off the rails, I am sorry for your heartache. My two were a bit different, I struggled with them both from about 13 on, I can't imagine the shock of this <em>sudden </em>change.</p><p>Your son has had a big blow dealt to him. That is not excusing his poor choices to throw up his hands and degrade his life. But, I am thinking that for a young person who has had his whole life geared to an outcome, this is hard stuff to swallow.</p><p>After his car accidents and hip injury, was he on pain medication? That stuff is strong. Did he suffer a head injury in the car accidents or in his football playing? That can alter personality.</p><p></p><p>Whatever the case may be, you didn't kick him out, he had to leave your home because he wasn't following rules.</p><p></p><p>You did the right thing by standing your ground and protecting the sanctity of your home.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Your son is making choices for himself. We raise our kids as best we can, give them the tools to be successful, but in the long run, it is up to them to make good choices.</p><p>Right now, you have done the best thing by showing him he is responsible and there are consequences for his choices.</p><p>It doesn't make it any easier on us as parents. Many of us have sought out help in dealing with this. I went to counseling. It helped me sort things out and redirect my focus. I lost a lot of time trying to help my two off the rail adult kids, to no avail, <em>they will do what they want</em>, despite my hopes and wishes for them. Accepting this is a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth. I have come to the conclusion after many years of dealing with this, that the best thing I can do is to strengthen myself, rebuild myself and lead by example. What we wish most for our adult children is that they will be self sufficient, make healthy choices, and practice self care.</p><p>We can lead by example.</p><p>That is the only thing we have control over, ourselves.</p><p>Many parents have gone to Al Anon for help. Posting here helps, there are parents here who have gone through similar journeys and the forum affords advice from those who are further down the road. No judgement, we are not experts or counselors, just parents who know the pain of dealing with adult children gone off the rails. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.</p><p>This is the key, Showme, <em>take good care of yourself</em>. Be very kind to yourself, cry when you need to, then educate yourself on how to move forward, even if your son is not. He is young and has the chance to turn this around, <em>if he wants to.</em> It is really up to him. There are folks here who will tell you that when they stopped trying to help their kids, gave them the reins and let them feel the consequences of their actions, their kids started to turn their lives around.</p><p>I am still waiting for my two to figure it out.</p><p>That doesn't mean that I have to give my life over to worrying and deny myself <em>self care.</em></p><p>That's where it can get tricky.</p><p>We confuse love with over involvement, overthinking and worrying over our kids choices. It becomes a synchronistic decline in our own lives, to the point where we think "How can I enjoy my life when my child is out there......suffering?"</p><p>There is no sacrifice of your own life that you can make, in exchange for your son to see the light and find his potential.</p><p>It is up to him.</p><p>I hope that his time out of your home will help him to see that there are consequences for the choices he is making and will teach him that lesson and help him turn himself around. It may take awhile for him to realize, that despite the disappointment he has, he still has <em>opportunity. </em>Life is really hard sometimes.</p><p>We all have been dealt blows along the way.</p><p>I believe these blows are meant to teach us, <em>life happens</em>, knocks us down and we have to learn to get back up.</p><p>Having an adult child go off the rails is an incredible blow.</p><p> Take good care of YOU. If you are struggling with this, (of course you are, that is natural) allow yourself time to process your feelings. If it is taking your joy and peace of mind away, take steps to <em>help yourself. </em></p><p>We all only have power and control over our own decisions, reactions and emotions.</p><p>This is a <em>simple truth</em>, but hard to put to practice when our hearts are aching.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>I am so sorry for your heartache.</p><p>Do take care, and let us know how you are doing.</p><p>We have been right where you are.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 733543, member: 19522"] Hi Showme, Welcome and I am so sorry for your need to be here. It is so hard when our kids go off the rails, I am sorry for your heartache. My two were a bit different, I struggled with them both from about 13 on, I can't imagine the shock of this [I]sudden [/I]change. Your son has had a big blow dealt to him. That is not excusing his poor choices to throw up his hands and degrade his life. But, I am thinking that for a young person who has had his whole life geared to an outcome, this is hard stuff to swallow. After his car accidents and hip injury, was he on pain medication? That stuff is strong. Did he suffer a head injury in the car accidents or in his football playing? That can alter personality. Whatever the case may be, you didn't kick him out, he had to leave your home because he wasn't following rules. You did the right thing by standing your ground and protecting the sanctity of your home. Your son is making choices for himself. We raise our kids as best we can, give them the tools to be successful, but in the long run, it is up to them to make good choices. Right now, you have done the best thing by showing him he is responsible and there are consequences for his choices. It doesn't make it any easier on us as parents. Many of us have sought out help in dealing with this. I went to counseling. It helped me sort things out and redirect my focus. I lost a lot of time trying to help my two off the rail adult kids, to no avail, [I]they will do what they want[/I], despite my hopes and wishes for them. Accepting this is a hard pill to swallow, but it is the truth. I have come to the conclusion after many years of dealing with this, that the best thing I can do is to strengthen myself, rebuild myself and lead by example. What we wish most for our adult children is that they will be self sufficient, make healthy choices, and practice self care. We can lead by example. That is the only thing we have control over, ourselves. Many parents have gone to Al Anon for help. Posting here helps, there are parents here who have gone through similar journeys and the forum affords advice from those who are further down the road. No judgement, we are not experts or counselors, just parents who know the pain of dealing with adult children gone off the rails. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. This is the key, Showme, [I]take good care of yourself[/I]. Be very kind to yourself, cry when you need to, then educate yourself on how to move forward, even if your son is not. He is young and has the chance to turn this around, [I]if he wants to.[/I] It is really up to him. There are folks here who will tell you that when they stopped trying to help their kids, gave them the reins and let them feel the consequences of their actions, their kids started to turn their lives around. I am still waiting for my two to figure it out. That doesn't mean that I have to give my life over to worrying and deny myself [I]self care.[/I] That's where it can get tricky. We confuse love with over involvement, overthinking and worrying over our kids choices. It becomes a synchronistic decline in our own lives, to the point where we think "How can I enjoy my life when my child is out there......suffering?" There is no sacrifice of your own life that you can make, in exchange for your son to see the light and find his potential. It is up to him. I hope that his time out of your home will help him to see that there are consequences for the choices he is making and will teach him that lesson and help him turn himself around. It may take awhile for him to realize, that despite the disappointment he has, he still has [I]opportunity. [/I]Life is really hard sometimes. We all have been dealt blows along the way. I believe these blows are meant to teach us, [I]life happens[/I], knocks us down and we have to learn to get back up. Having an adult child go off the rails is an incredible blow. Take good care of YOU. If you are struggling with this, (of course you are, that is natural) allow yourself time to process your feelings. If it is taking your joy and peace of mind away, take steps to [I]help yourself. [/I] We all only have power and control over our own decisions, reactions and emotions. This is a [I]simple truth[/I], but hard to put to practice when our hearts are aching. You are not alone. I am so sorry for your heartache. Do take care, and let us know how you are doing. We have been right where you are. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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Kicked out 18 yr old son today....how did I get here?
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