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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 739386" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Looking, welcome again but so sorry for your need to be back here. I could have written your post with some edits. My daughter stayed with her abusive boyfriend and had three children with him. We went through years of trying to help, ended up taking care of the grands when they were removed from their parents. They went through counseling and the family was reunited, only to have the cycle start all over again. They swore up and down that they weren’t doing drugs....”Just pot” but I later learned they also mixed it with coke. Then it was crack. Ugh.</p><p>This is a very short version. Of hell. Yup, it was hell.</p><p>My son, now 17, spent most of his young life watching the chaos, living through the drama. We were desperate to protect our grands, looking back, it was all so totally unfair to my son.</p><p>I have helped my daughter take TRO’s out on her boyfriend, only to have her sneak him into my home, while we were working. Or, she would go back to him. Over and again.</p><p>This caused incredible stress for our family. </p><p>My daughter is not phased by this.</p><p>My husband suffered illness and fought it for a few years, then passed during this time. Before he passed, I put my foot down and said no more. It was incredibly difficult.</p><p>She ended up homeless and on meth (which she denies) and is now in jail. Her boyfriend is on the streets. The three grands are with their paternal grandparents and we see them as often as possible, they have spent summers with us.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>With that written, I believe through my experience and regrets that our primary responsibility is to our <em>minor children,</em> to provide a home that is their sanctuary. Stability.</p><p>I understand your being done, and deciding to go no contact. It must be incredibly painful to have supported your daughter through her pregnancy by having her home, had your grandchild in your life from infancy, gone through court proceedings, then have her go back to the abusive boyfriend.</p><p>You see the writing on the wall.</p><p> I hope that it is not more of the same, for your daughter and her child’s sake, for yours too. But..... I have been through many rounds of this. Abusive patterns are difficult to break. Things would go well for a time and then boom, something would trigger, it was like a recurring nightmare. We could not convince my daughter that she and her children deserved better.</p><p>That being said........</p><p></p><p>You are well within your right to set boundaries. It is helpful to read the article on detachment at the top of the PE forum page to help guide you in your decisions. Going no contact for a time, helps us to get our bearings. I do believe there is a way to have limited contact. Detachment doesn’t mean we have to cut our adult children from our lives. We learn better ways to react and respond to them.</p><p> I have wrestled with this for most of my grands lives. We had a sort of revolving door for years, my daughter would come and go with the grands, when she left it was usually under difficult circumstances, we wouldn’t hear from them for awhile. It was a roller coaster.</p><p>As I wrote before, your first duty, is to your younger daughter. If she has witnessed too much, you might want to have her go to counseling. I took my son for the same reason. I went as well.</p><p>Try not to write the end of the story. It is obvious you love your grandson. I understand how you feel, there are so many what if’s. When I first came to CD, one of the many bits of wisdom I received was to slow way down. Take one day, one moment at a time. You don’t have to decide everything right this minute.</p><p>Read as much as you can about domestic violence, <em>I am sure you have already. </em>It helps to know if there are shelters nearby, in case your daughter decides to leave again. It was hard to tell my daughter that she couldn’t come home, even after everything we had gone through. I had promised my son that that would not happen again. I knew that she would not get the help she needed, and our lives would get caught up in the crazy. That was unacceptable.</p><p>Knowing what your boundaries are and sticking to them is important.</p><p>Take very good care of yourself, be kind and gentle to yourself. There are many mixed emotions that come in to play when dealing with this.</p><p> I felt the same way many times. My daughter can be manipulative and abusive. She tries to blame me for her choices. She is hard to be around. </p><p>I ended up giving her and her sister back to God. I pray for them daily to find their true potential. They were both homeless before the younger ended up in jail. I see my eldest sporadically, <em>but I don’t go looking for her. </em></p><p>The mother of my three grands, went MIA for a year, before she ended up in jail. She blamed me, <em>for not looking for her</em>. </p><p>Sigh.</p><p>So, yes, I do understand how you are feeling. I have decided to tread lightly with my two, if they genuinely make an effort to change, to stop using, I will reassess. I have to guard my heart.</p><p>It is hard when our adult children choose the rough roads they do. We go through all of the stages of grieving. It is doubly hard when there are grand babies involved. Take time to honor your feelings, try not to write the end of the story, but definitely work on your boundaries and switch focus to your well being, as well as your daughter and husband. </p><p>You have been blindsided by this, your daughter chose to sneak around, that is unfair and unacceptable after all of the support you have given her. <em>That being stated</em>, it is very typical of abusive relationships to behave this way. Abusive men will do what it takes to isolate their victims from family and friends. </p><p>My daughter was drawn to her boyfriend like a moth to a flame. It never ceased to amaze me what she endured and put her children through. It was a toxic mess.</p><p>I hope this will not be the same for your daughter. Please prepare yourself, by doing as much as you can to educate yourself and be ready for whatever come what may. </p><p>I am so sorry. This is very, very hard. Please know you are not alone and keep posting. It truly helps to have support and understanding.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 739386, member: 19522"] Hi Looking, welcome again but so sorry for your need to be back here. I could have written your post with some edits. My daughter stayed with her abusive boyfriend and had three children with him. We went through years of trying to help, ended up taking care of the grands when they were removed from their parents. They went through counseling and the family was reunited, only to have the cycle start all over again. They swore up and down that they weren’t doing drugs....”Just pot” but I later learned they also mixed it with coke. Then it was crack. Ugh. This is a very short version. Of hell. Yup, it was hell. My son, now 17, spent most of his young life watching the chaos, living through the drama. We were desperate to protect our grands, looking back, it was all so totally unfair to my son. I have helped my daughter take TRO’s out on her boyfriend, only to have her sneak him into my home, while we were working. Or, she would go back to him. Over and again. This caused incredible stress for our family. My daughter is not phased by this. My husband suffered illness and fought it for a few years, then passed during this time. Before he passed, I put my foot down and said no more. It was incredibly difficult. She ended up homeless and on meth (which she denies) and is now in jail. Her boyfriend is on the streets. The three grands are with their paternal grandparents and we see them as often as possible, they have spent summers with us. Sigh. With that written, I believe through my experience and regrets that our primary responsibility is to our [I]minor children,[/I] to provide a home that is their sanctuary. Stability. I understand your being done, and deciding to go no contact. It must be incredibly painful to have supported your daughter through her pregnancy by having her home, had your grandchild in your life from infancy, gone through court proceedings, then have her go back to the abusive boyfriend. You see the writing on the wall. I hope that it is not more of the same, for your daughter and her child’s sake, for yours too. But..... I have been through many rounds of this. Abusive patterns are difficult to break. Things would go well for a time and then boom, something would trigger, it was like a recurring nightmare. We could not convince my daughter that she and her children deserved better. That being said........ You are well within your right to set boundaries. It is helpful to read the article on detachment at the top of the PE forum page to help guide you in your decisions. Going no contact for a time, helps us to get our bearings. I do believe there is a way to have limited contact. Detachment doesn’t mean we have to cut our adult children from our lives. We learn better ways to react and respond to them. I have wrestled with this for most of my grands lives. We had a sort of revolving door for years, my daughter would come and go with the grands, when she left it was usually under difficult circumstances, we wouldn’t hear from them for awhile. It was a roller coaster. As I wrote before, your first duty, is to your younger daughter. If she has witnessed too much, you might want to have her go to counseling. I took my son for the same reason. I went as well. Try not to write the end of the story. It is obvious you love your grandson. I understand how you feel, there are so many what if’s. When I first came to CD, one of the many bits of wisdom I received was to slow way down. Take one day, one moment at a time. You don’t have to decide everything right this minute. Read as much as you can about domestic violence, [I]I am sure you have already. [/I]It helps to know if there are shelters nearby, in case your daughter decides to leave again. It was hard to tell my daughter that she couldn’t come home, even after everything we had gone through. I had promised my son that that would not happen again. I knew that she would not get the help she needed, and our lives would get caught up in the crazy. That was unacceptable. Knowing what your boundaries are and sticking to them is important. Take very good care of yourself, be kind and gentle to yourself. There are many mixed emotions that come in to play when dealing with this. I felt the same way many times. My daughter can be manipulative and abusive. She tries to blame me for her choices. She is hard to be around. I ended up giving her and her sister back to God. I pray for them daily to find their true potential. They were both homeless before the younger ended up in jail. I see my eldest sporadically, [I]but I don’t go looking for her. [/I] The mother of my three grands, went MIA for a year, before she ended up in jail. She blamed me, [I]for not looking for her[/I]. Sigh. So, yes, I do understand how you are feeling. I have decided to tread lightly with my two, if they genuinely make an effort to change, to stop using, I will reassess. I have to guard my heart. It is hard when our adult children choose the rough roads they do. We go through all of the stages of grieving. It is doubly hard when there are grand babies involved. Take time to honor your feelings, try not to write the end of the story, but definitely work on your boundaries and switch focus to your well being, as well as your daughter and husband. You have been blindsided by this, your daughter chose to sneak around, that is unfair and unacceptable after all of the support you have given her. [I]That being stated[/I], it is very typical of abusive relationships to behave this way. Abusive men will do what it takes to isolate their victims from family and friends. My daughter was drawn to her boyfriend like a moth to a flame. It never ceased to amaze me what she endured and put her children through. It was a toxic mess. I hope this will not be the same for your daughter. Please prepare yourself, by doing as much as you can to educate yourself and be ready for whatever come what may. I am so sorry. This is very, very hard. Please know you are not alone and keep posting. It truly helps to have support and understanding. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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