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<blockquote data-quote="Looking2BFree" data-source="post: 739394" data-attributes="member: 23353"><p>Triedntrue - thank you for your reply. I appreciate your stance and understand it as this is where my battle lies. I think for me, at least for right now, I am not strong or wise enough yet to be able to detach from the daughter's problems/issues and still have a relationship with the grandchild. I know for me it would be very hard and very painful to know that the grandchild is suffering to some degree where he is and I would have to hand him back over with a smile on my face. I am not there yet. My daughter and grandchild are now living with the boyfriend and paternal grandparents. I find peace knowing that the grandmother will always do her best to make sure the grandchild is safe. Unfortunately, the paternal grandparents are in classic enabler mode and will contribute to their son and my daughter starting back up in the party lifestyle and then she'll wonder why things are so bad. This, too, has been a pattern. My hubby and I are also not prepared emotionally or financially to go to court to protect our grandparent rights. All I know for sure is that we will be here if our grandchild ever needs us. I also know that when it comes to my daughter, she likes to have an upper hand. Something to use against me so I continue to enable. Previously it was her schooling, then it was her mental health (if you do this to me, I will get "sicker"), and now of course it is an innocent grandbaby. My choice to go no contact wasn't so much that she's back with the boyfriend - it was her decision to go to great lengths to lie to us about it while we continued to support her and her son (living in our home - she paid/pays for the child on her own) financially and emotionally. It was DAILY we would tell her how proud we are of her, how much strength she has and she'd take those compliments and look us in the eye and smile knowing full well that she was hiding a HUGE secret from us. I question now when she would tell us her beautiful dreams of building a family with her boyfriend? She just cannot seem to understand that it was her outright lies that have pushed me to the end of the cliff. She has justified in her own mind that her choices were acceptable and that is what I can no longer ignore. This has been her pattern for years and I've learned (the hard way) that if there is no trust, there is no relationship. We honestly believed up until 2 or 3 weeks ago that she turned over a new leaf, that it was ok for us to trust her. How wrong we were and I cannot keep going backwards. You will be in my thoughts TriednTrue - I hope things go more smoothly for you than they have for us.</p><p></p><p>Leafy - oh Leafy. You were my lifeline two years ago and it appears you will be my lifeline now. First off, I am genuinely sorry for the loss of your husband. How difficult to navigate a tremendous loss while continuing to navigate the "dance" with your daughters. And you continue to help others. You are an amazing soul.</p><p></p><p>I suppose I am going through stages of grief. Yesterday I felt more anger when I wrote that post. I, of course, would love to have a healthy relationship with my Difficult Child and I honestly believed that was where we were headed, only to be blindsided and have my heart literally shattered. I have cried for years and I cried for about a week after first discovering this. I think because I have been down this road so many times, I tend to bounce back faster. I believe there will come a day where I am able to have a superficial relationship with her, have boundaries, and continue to live a happy life even though hers may be falling apart. But for now, I am not there.</p><p></p><p>My first priority is my youngest daughter. My guilt is geared more towards her now. I realize that I have spent so much of my time and energy trying to save my Difficult Child, my youngest girl was often tossed to the side. We have started her in counseling - her first visit was yesterday and it was eye opening not only for me but my husband too. He told the therapist, that we've been lucky that we've had such an easy daughter during these times with the Difficult Child. Hearing that made me sad because in my beautiful little girl's mind she HAS TO be easy so she doesn't upset us and cause more stress. NOPE. She deserves to have a childhood. While we've done our best to shelter or shield her from the Difficult Child's violent & abusive behavior, she has witnessed many times the Difficult Child being in and out of our house. This last time has most definitely affected her to a higher degree because she has a strong attachment to her nephew. I will NOT allow this to happen again. This easy child deserves a chance to live in peace so she can navigate her own world and have her mom and dad present, fully present, standing by her side when she needs us to.</p><p></p><p>I have been in counseling for years and I continue to go. I am beyond grateful that I have found a wonderful woman who knows the whole story with the Difficult Child. She has provided literature to me about abusive relationships and I have spent the last two years educating myself on domestic violence. We took steps over a year ago to protect ourselves and our Difficult Child. The boyfriend has not been allowed in our home or on our property and we stuck to that even when she was pregnant. We wanted the Difficult Child to have a safe place to come to. When learning of her pregnancy, I had a nervous breakdown, mainly because I felt then that this boyfriend would never be out of our lives. I was so proud of my Difficult Child when she put her foot down and walked away. And it was months that she was free - that is where I cannot understand how she went back. The boyfriend has encouraged her to write us off on more than one occasion and I suspect that is exactly what is happening now as well. I understand the isolation aspect but the sad fact is so does my Difficult Child. She wants her "family" together. Sigh. The other difficult part to this is the paternal grandparents. My hubby and I are leaps and bounds ahead of them when it comes to NOT enabling. They are still at the stage of getting mad when their son screws up and then getting over it in a short period of time. Or they outright ignore the signs of drug use...in their home. The paternal grandmother seems to get it but the grandfather is still stuck in the illusion that if I admit my son is a mess, it's a reflection of my parenting. We suspect he's abusive himself - maybe not physically but most definitely on an emotional level. At any rate, I believe there will come a time where these grandparents are faced with choosing their son over their grandchild. And I'm not sure which way they would go. I know they were always using drugs in their home. If that continues and CPS gets involved, the grandchild will need to be removed. The other thing my hubby and I are struggling with is the fact that these grandparents were complicit in hiding this relationship from us. It was very toxic and emotionally draining when this baby was born and words were exchanged. My Difficult Child and that family seem to have moved on from it but we cannot. We (me) are viewed us unforgiving and unwilling to move forward. This is all so crazy to us but normal to them.</p><p></p><p>I'm told not to "catastrophize" - hard to do when I know how sideways this can go. I know the extent of the boyfriend's drug use and I know my Difficult Child joined him in order to cope. She "gave up" - her words not mine. We looked at this baby as a saving grace and he was for a short time. I pray everyday she continues to make good choices for the baby's sake. All I know for sure, is me rescuing has never worked and it won't work now. I cannot and will not have my home as a revolving door which it has been and will continue to be. Leafy, the story of your daughter with the grands really hits home for me. I want to believe "it will be different this time" but my head will not allow that anymore. Because, it won't be different this time. Difficult Child has other family she hasn't used so I know she has resources to help her if the time comes. If she reaches out to me, I will encourage her to reach out to those resources. That's as far as I can go with the help.</p><p></p><p>Because of the dynamic between us and the paternal grandparents - if the child is taken from his parents - I don't think they would even allow us to be apart of his life. I'm not sure that I have much fight left in me. I could write for days about the paternal grandparents and how dysfunctional they are but there's no point. In their minds, their son is a good man, a good dad yet he's treated like he's still a child and they financially support him. We've been polar opposite with Difficult Child where we expected her to be responsible for her choice to have a child.</p><p></p><p>Leafy - did you go through this with the paternal grandparents? Or were they on the same page as you? These people are most definitely NOT on the same page as us. They ignore the problems and proceed as normal. The mother actually said to me one time "I'd like to be able to have a drink with my son sometimes" almost upset that he can not drink like an average person and she's missing out because of it. ENABLER to the highest degree.</p><p></p><p>Ugh. I'm sorry these posts are so long. I don't expect anyone to read them - I'm writing more to get my thoughts out. A diary I suppose.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Looking2BFree, post: 739394, member: 23353"] Triedntrue - thank you for your reply. I appreciate your stance and understand it as this is where my battle lies. I think for me, at least for right now, I am not strong or wise enough yet to be able to detach from the daughter's problems/issues and still have a relationship with the grandchild. I know for me it would be very hard and very painful to know that the grandchild is suffering to some degree where he is and I would have to hand him back over with a smile on my face. I am not there yet. My daughter and grandchild are now living with the boyfriend and paternal grandparents. I find peace knowing that the grandmother will always do her best to make sure the grandchild is safe. Unfortunately, the paternal grandparents are in classic enabler mode and will contribute to their son and my daughter starting back up in the party lifestyle and then she'll wonder why things are so bad. This, too, has been a pattern. My hubby and I are also not prepared emotionally or financially to go to court to protect our grandparent rights. All I know for sure is that we will be here if our grandchild ever needs us. I also know that when it comes to my daughter, she likes to have an upper hand. Something to use against me so I continue to enable. Previously it was her schooling, then it was her mental health (if you do this to me, I will get "sicker"), and now of course it is an innocent grandbaby. My choice to go no contact wasn't so much that she's back with the boyfriend - it was her decision to go to great lengths to lie to us about it while we continued to support her and her son (living in our home - she paid/pays for the child on her own) financially and emotionally. It was DAILY we would tell her how proud we are of her, how much strength she has and she'd take those compliments and look us in the eye and smile knowing full well that she was hiding a HUGE secret from us. I question now when she would tell us her beautiful dreams of building a family with her boyfriend? She just cannot seem to understand that it was her outright lies that have pushed me to the end of the cliff. She has justified in her own mind that her choices were acceptable and that is what I can no longer ignore. This has been her pattern for years and I've learned (the hard way) that if there is no trust, there is no relationship. We honestly believed up until 2 or 3 weeks ago that she turned over a new leaf, that it was ok for us to trust her. How wrong we were and I cannot keep going backwards. You will be in my thoughts TriednTrue - I hope things go more smoothly for you than they have for us. Leafy - oh Leafy. You were my lifeline two years ago and it appears you will be my lifeline now. First off, I am genuinely sorry for the loss of your husband. How difficult to navigate a tremendous loss while continuing to navigate the "dance" with your daughters. And you continue to help others. You are an amazing soul. I suppose I am going through stages of grief. Yesterday I felt more anger when I wrote that post. I, of course, would love to have a healthy relationship with my Difficult Child and I honestly believed that was where we were headed, only to be blindsided and have my heart literally shattered. I have cried for years and I cried for about a week after first discovering this. I think because I have been down this road so many times, I tend to bounce back faster. I believe there will come a day where I am able to have a superficial relationship with her, have boundaries, and continue to live a happy life even though hers may be falling apart. But for now, I am not there. My first priority is my youngest daughter. My guilt is geared more towards her now. I realize that I have spent so much of my time and energy trying to save my Difficult Child, my youngest girl was often tossed to the side. We have started her in counseling - her first visit was yesterday and it was eye opening not only for me but my husband too. He told the therapist, that we've been lucky that we've had such an easy daughter during these times with the Difficult Child. Hearing that made me sad because in my beautiful little girl's mind she HAS TO be easy so she doesn't upset us and cause more stress. NOPE. She deserves to have a childhood. While we've done our best to shelter or shield her from the Difficult Child's violent & abusive behavior, she has witnessed many times the Difficult Child being in and out of our house. This last time has most definitely affected her to a higher degree because she has a strong attachment to her nephew. I will NOT allow this to happen again. This easy child deserves a chance to live in peace so she can navigate her own world and have her mom and dad present, fully present, standing by her side when she needs us to. I have been in counseling for years and I continue to go. I am beyond grateful that I have found a wonderful woman who knows the whole story with the Difficult Child. She has provided literature to me about abusive relationships and I have spent the last two years educating myself on domestic violence. We took steps over a year ago to protect ourselves and our Difficult Child. The boyfriend has not been allowed in our home or on our property and we stuck to that even when she was pregnant. We wanted the Difficult Child to have a safe place to come to. When learning of her pregnancy, I had a nervous breakdown, mainly because I felt then that this boyfriend would never be out of our lives. I was so proud of my Difficult Child when she put her foot down and walked away. And it was months that she was free - that is where I cannot understand how she went back. The boyfriend has encouraged her to write us off on more than one occasion and I suspect that is exactly what is happening now as well. I understand the isolation aspect but the sad fact is so does my Difficult Child. She wants her "family" together. Sigh. The other difficult part to this is the paternal grandparents. My hubby and I are leaps and bounds ahead of them when it comes to NOT enabling. They are still at the stage of getting mad when their son screws up and then getting over it in a short period of time. Or they outright ignore the signs of drug use...in their home. The paternal grandmother seems to get it but the grandfather is still stuck in the illusion that if I admit my son is a mess, it's a reflection of my parenting. We suspect he's abusive himself - maybe not physically but most definitely on an emotional level. At any rate, I believe there will come a time where these grandparents are faced with choosing their son over their grandchild. And I'm not sure which way they would go. I know they were always using drugs in their home. If that continues and CPS gets involved, the grandchild will need to be removed. The other thing my hubby and I are struggling with is the fact that these grandparents were complicit in hiding this relationship from us. It was very toxic and emotionally draining when this baby was born and words were exchanged. My Difficult Child and that family seem to have moved on from it but we cannot. We (me) are viewed us unforgiving and unwilling to move forward. This is all so crazy to us but normal to them. I'm told not to "catastrophize" - hard to do when I know how sideways this can go. I know the extent of the boyfriend's drug use and I know my Difficult Child joined him in order to cope. She "gave up" - her words not mine. We looked at this baby as a saving grace and he was for a short time. I pray everyday she continues to make good choices for the baby's sake. All I know for sure, is me rescuing has never worked and it won't work now. I cannot and will not have my home as a revolving door which it has been and will continue to be. Leafy, the story of your daughter with the grands really hits home for me. I want to believe "it will be different this time" but my head will not allow that anymore. Because, it won't be different this time. Difficult Child has other family she hasn't used so I know she has resources to help her if the time comes. If she reaches out to me, I will encourage her to reach out to those resources. That's as far as I can go with the help. Because of the dynamic between us and the paternal grandparents - if the child is taken from his parents - I don't think they would even allow us to be apart of his life. I'm not sure that I have much fight left in me. I could write for days about the paternal grandparents and how dysfunctional they are but there's no point. In their minds, their son is a good man, a good dad yet he's treated like he's still a child and they financially support him. We've been polar opposite with Difficult Child where we expected her to be responsible for her choice to have a child. Leafy - did you go through this with the paternal grandparents? Or were they on the same page as you? These people are most definitely NOT on the same page as us. They ignore the problems and proceed as normal. The mother actually said to me one time "I'd like to be able to have a drink with my son sometimes" almost upset that he can not drink like an average person and she's missing out because of it. ENABLER to the highest degree. Ugh. I'm sorry these posts are so long. I don't expect anyone to read them - I'm writing more to get my thoughts out. A diary I suppose. [/QUOTE]
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