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<blockquote data-quote="Looking2BFree" data-source="post: 739412" data-attributes="member: 23353"><p>Elsi—thank you for reaching out. I have read your posts and my mom heart goes out to you. I don’t have any wisdom myself. I’m treading water and getting tired. Living like this is cruel. This is hell on earth. </p><p></p><p>Copa—I have followed your posts for over two years. Reading your words brought tears to my eyes for the first time in two weeks! I feel the furthest thing from strong. I feel weak for not being able to see a grand baby I adore because of the overwhelming anxiety I feel being around his mother. I feel selfish for choosing to get off the sinking ship while my daughter stays on it without a life jacket. I’ve tried to rationalize her decisions and question whether my heart has hardened and I am really the problem in all of this. I feal fear that my younger daughter will choose the same path and leave my life too. I feel anger, mostly at myself. Because if I had raised her better, she wouldn’t make these choices and devastate her family. </p><p></p><p>We were not pleased about this pregnancy but we stood by her and embraced and loved that perfect, innocent baby and although I was the one who voiced closing the door (for now anyway) she actually made that decision for us. </p><p></p><p>I find myself bitter. I look at other mother/daughter relationships and ask constantly WHY I can’t have that. I genuinely want to be happy for others but truthfully I am not. That makes me feel like a terrible person. I now am terrified for people to ask me how my daughter and grandbaby are. What do I say other than “good”. </p><p></p><p>Copa, thank you for your words...it forced me to really examine how I’m feeling. Perhaps it is strength, I never viewed it that way. I viewed myself as a really cold hearted woman who isn’t all that great at being a mom. </p><p></p><p>Hugs to everyone in this forum. This is a special kind of hell.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Looking2BFree, post: 739412, member: 23353"] Elsi—thank you for reaching out. I have read your posts and my mom heart goes out to you. I don’t have any wisdom myself. I’m treading water and getting tired. Living like this is cruel. This is hell on earth. Copa—I have followed your posts for over two years. Reading your words brought tears to my eyes for the first time in two weeks! I feel the furthest thing from strong. I feel weak for not being able to see a grand baby I adore because of the overwhelming anxiety I feel being around his mother. I feel selfish for choosing to get off the sinking ship while my daughter stays on it without a life jacket. I’ve tried to rationalize her decisions and question whether my heart has hardened and I am really the problem in all of this. I feal fear that my younger daughter will choose the same path and leave my life too. I feel anger, mostly at myself. Because if I had raised her better, she wouldn’t make these choices and devastate her family. We were not pleased about this pregnancy but we stood by her and embraced and loved that perfect, innocent baby and although I was the one who voiced closing the door (for now anyway) she actually made that decision for us. I find myself bitter. I look at other mother/daughter relationships and ask constantly WHY I can’t have that. I genuinely want to be happy for others but truthfully I am not. That makes me feel like a terrible person. I now am terrified for people to ask me how my daughter and grandbaby are. What do I say other than “good”. Copa, thank you for your words...it forced me to really examine how I’m feeling. Perhaps it is strength, I never viewed it that way. I viewed myself as a really cold hearted woman who isn’t all that great at being a mom. Hugs to everyone in this forum. This is a special kind of hell. [/QUOTE]
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