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Parent Emeritus
Last night he said "no contact." He called this morning.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664154" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes. This is the heart of enabling. Our help, betraying our belief that they are not capable. The kids need to learn <em>just like we do too or who knows where we would be today</em> that challenges are scary, that not-knowing <em>is</em> scary ~ but that they have what it takes.</p><p></p><p>That is the thing our enabling takes away from them. </p><p></p><p>Self respect.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why they become so angry with us. Because in their hearts, on some level, they know this. Whether we have made them afraid or not is not the issue. As their mothers, it is our task to give them back their capacities for self respect. That begins with refusing to be disrespected ourselves, and continues with our belief that they will find their ways in the world.</p><p></p><p>Which is a hard thing to do when we are coming from maternal mode.</p><p></p><p>That is why it is good to have the words written down, in the beginning. We can speak what we know to be the correct response, whether we really believe in them or not.</p><p></p><p>Like COM, I am seeing this change in my behavior have amazing effect. It was a very hard thing for me in the beginning. Now, I see the rightness in it.</p><p></p><p>Now, I can celebrate and feel very strong, when I say: "You can." I am so much more certain now that I can say to myself: "He can. She can." and, though I cannot imagine how they will do it, I really do believe that they can.</p><p></p><p>And they are.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that an amazing thing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664154, member: 17461"] Yes. This is the heart of enabling. Our help, betraying our belief that they are not capable. The kids need to learn [I]just like we do too or who knows where we would be today[/I] that challenges are scary, that not-knowing [I]is[/I] scary ~ but that they have what it takes. That is the thing our enabling takes away from them. Self respect. Maybe that is why they become so angry with us. Because in their hearts, on some level, they know this. Whether we have made them afraid or not is not the issue. As their mothers, it is our task to give them back their capacities for self respect. That begins with refusing to be disrespected ourselves, and continues with our belief that they will find their ways in the world. Which is a hard thing to do when we are coming from maternal mode. That is why it is good to have the words written down, in the beginning. We can speak what we know to be the correct response, whether we really believe in them or not. Like COM, I am seeing this change in my behavior have amazing effect. It was a very hard thing for me in the beginning. Now, I see the rightness in it. Now, I can celebrate and feel very strong, when I say: "You can." I am so much more certain now that I can say to myself: "He can. She can." and, though I cannot imagine how they will do it, I really do believe that they can. And they are. Isn't that an amazing thing. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Last night he said "no contact." He called this morning.
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